My whole life I have struggled with fitting in and making social interactions. Well, a little less than two years ago I was diagnosed with autism. This was very reassuring because it explained my quirks and behavior.
I am very good at masking my autism and as such hardly ever disclose it. 6 months ago I got a job working at an elementary school. It turns out it was nothing like what they described in the interview, but in spite of this I was determined to stick it out.
I told my boss I have autism and it causes me to miss a lot of work because after having a meltdown that day I am not inclined to go into work next day to be overstimulated all over again. They made changes to help accomodate me once only to change their mind and take them back.
Recently, I have reached my breaking point and have been experiencing sensory overload from the screaming, yelling, and misbehaving kids. Instead of having a meltdown at work I power through my day ignoring my pounding headache and shaking hands. When I get to my car I burst into tears and sob until I get home. I have never experienced autistic meltdowns until I got this job.
I put in my two weeks notice and was hoping I could force myself to attend everyday of those last two weeks, but I had another autistic meltdown today. I told my boss I can't come in tomorrow and she, and the teachers I work with, told me they were upset, disappointed, and that I need to try and come in tomorrow anyways.
I know I haven't been a reliable employee, but I was expecting to be met with more understanding rather than the response I got.
Tonight, I am just feeling guilty that my disbaility is impacting my ability to be a good employee. I wish I could stop myself from having the meltdowns, but I don't know how. Can I get some reassurance that I am not a bad person because of all of this?
Sunny
