I'm probably going to sound like a whiny piece of crap but, ya' know, life sucks and this is how I feel so Imma let it out. Talked to someone about it at a school party and they agreed so :P
Skip to the bottom for a quick summary.
This girl is my best friend. I love her to death. I met her two years ago when I switched to private school. We started talking when I learned she has horses and lives on a stable that her parents own as a business with a partner. I gave her my number and after one FaceTime call we were INSTANTLY friends. Soon besties.
My friend and I LOVED to draw and we fell in love with drawing cats after reading some Warrior Cats books. All was fine and dandy until, one day, a new girl came. This new girl was an absolutely amazing artist and she read Warriors AND drew them with little text stories on sticky notes. She was nice and seemed like the perfect friend for us, right? How about we let her in and make a friend triangle?
I reached out to her so we were buddies for a bit but she always seemed to want to see my friend, who I'll call AP and call the new girl G to stop confusion. G brought in two other girls who did the same thing and, me being me, I was uncomfortable. I'm a total introvert, opposite of AP, but I was totally happy being with just AP and inviting G wasn't too bad. Now it felt like way too much so I stayed much quieter.
The two other girls were understanding though and now I was called, after saying it myself, the Lonely Sock. I'm forever a Sock *screeches for any holo babes*. Things were great for a bit. And theeeeeeen...
I HATE G!
Okay, I admit that's a bit rude. Doesn't change the fact that I feel that way. In an instant she ignored every word I said to her and only responded with something quick if our friends were watching. I watched her in despair (so dramatic lol) as she took AP away from me. I'm not upset about the other two girls because I never became close to them, but AP was my only. I'll forever hate myself for not being brave enough to step out of my pig-headed, rude, silent, introverted personality and stepping up.
AP was pretty oblivious, as she always is. Nonetheless she drifted and talked to me less. I stopped liking the Warrior Cats series and instead of being with each other all of the time during the day I saw less and less of her. We still hung out then though.
Then a family emergency forced AP and her family to move away from the farm. They stayed in a rental house for a few months until the issue was resolved and then they moved to a new and smaller farm with a better house. At that time AP was still trying to get me over there but things always seemed to come up.
Eventually her attempts died down. I didn't get anything from her at school and my texts were ignored. I hate to be the annoying texter so I stopped. WEEKS later I get a text saying "Oh sorry I lost my phone" when I had been left with a read message on my last text. >.>
A while later she invites me to her house out of NOWHERE. She has ignored me completely and now its like were buddies again. I was desperate for a friend after being left on my own. AP, G, and those other two girls were some of my only friends. My other two stopped talking to me a little after I moved. My neighbor, who I rode with, got super upset with me after SHE hit MY horse and I told her not to do it again. Wow oh wow.
So I went there and we had a great time. A great time! The best time I had had for a while with this loneliness. After? I've only been texted once in the last months since.
So I had no friends. NO friends. I started talking to a girl who I had hung out with a few times in the past but never "clicked" with. We became friends and I started to be happy again :D Great! I'll call her S. S had a best friend who she introduced me to. That friend is pretty strange and we didn't click.
Then that friend started doing a similar thing to S and now its just me and her. A few months ago at a school celebration we were alone while every one else partied. AP and G had matching dresses and danced around like crazy. S's friend spoke to her a bit but wasn't really "there". So S and I had a bit of a chat after she noticed me continuously glancing at AP like a creep lol.
I opened up to her about how crappy things felt. Loooong long ago I was the favorite at my old school, though I was an extrovert. Now I was the person people didn't want to talk to or even look at. My occasional attempt to stop being a Lonely Sock didn't go far. S told me how G had done the same thing to her. She also said how being the teacher's kid meant that you had to be everyone's first friend, and the first friend always gets dumped when the new kid picks up speed. Now that we knew we felt the same I felt ever so slightly better.
I've been left alone all summer. My only human contact besides my family is people at the lesson barn I go to. The person who hit my horse is I guess me friend again but I don't feel right after other crap she did and we barely see each other.
So, to sum it up, I feel like crap on the life situation. I guess my couch potato nature is the one thing I've been able to keep up and its starting to feel like a horrible therapy after a long day with my horse who continuously sends me in an emotional whirlwind. All my friends have said "Nah fam" and I'm left wondering what I did. Was I really that bad? Did I deserve to loose AP, the truest best friend I've ever had? Will I forever be an idiot with pent up rage and sadness who does her best to be a good equestrian but continuously slips down a slippery slope of mind games?
Am I the failure I think I am?
Oh guac, I hope not. This emptiness is horrible.
What I've written doesn't express things well and there's some other life things contributing too but oh my.. It feels good to "say" it.