Dandelion Farms
10:56:09 Sky
Ooh ok that makes more sense now!
Siren Sound Estates
10:55:41 S҉ Sem
Basically, it's the same with glasses, medallions and Svens.
The glass gives +3 on one stat, the medallion +6 (two on each of the 3 needed stats) and a Sven gives +15 (so 3 on 3 traits and 2 on the 3 other traits)
Siren Sound Estates
10:53:58 S҉ Sem
Yep, it can make the difference between two ratings - an EEE horse might become WWW. Ooor.. a subsubsub horse might become AAA
Dandelion Farms
10:53:56 Sky
Ok thank you!
Siren Sound Estates
10:53:02 S҉ Sem
Even though they are not clearly seeable for us as gamers, each horse of course has their traits represented by numbers. The numbers decide if a horse is sub-par or World Class
Dandelion Farms
10:52:22 Sky
Ooooh ok so when I use a map it will make the traits better? Stronger?
Siren Sound Estates
10:51:55 S҉ Sem
Sky, all traits are mv, int, hrt, scope, speed and strength
Dandelion Farms
10:51:06 Sky
When you use a map, what is it supposed to help with? Cause I have one that says +15 traits. What traits?
Siren Sound Estates
10:47:36 S҉ Sem
Hades, I'd do the same. Best of luck!
Cephalus
10:46:47 Hades,Basil,Ren
Sem

Yes
Siren Sound Estates
10:46:22 S҉ Sem
Hades, will you use an int glass?
Cephalus
10:45:19 Hades,Basil,Ren
Hoping to do this as a 178 match.

-HEE Click-
Cephalus
10:43:17 Hades,Basil,Ren
Lace

IÂ’ve returned
Dandelion Farms
10:41:07 Sky
Sem
Ok thank you so much!
Willow Springs Ranch
10:41:00 Lace / FC
lost
i used the lense of time on him when i first bred him, he's really pretty^^
Lost~Souls
10:39:47 
I can't wait to see this future colour foals -HEE Click-
*Rising Stars TBs*
10:39:26 Star / Sarah
I need art ideas, please give me ideas!
Siren Sound Estates
10:38:19 S҉ Sem
Sky, I'd go with She Pizazz.
WWE with 4patterns + Sikver plus Creme.
Delilah Show Horses
10:37:44 Delilah - Del
Bullhorn
Pop it? 😂
That's what I do
Bullhorn
10:34:51 
Anyone know how to get rid of an lock up in a trigger finger?
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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
  1

Equestrian Story| Please Critique! April 27, 2020 09:57 PM

Creekside Eventing
 
Posts: 932
#647433
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Chapter 1

Rowan walked through the stable, her knee- high black boots clicking softly on the hard cobblestone ground. "Hi, girly," she said to her project horse, Shadow as she slipped into her stall, softly patting the mares neck. She glanced out into the aisle, waving to Lizzy, the barn manager. She smiled at her, and then went back to Shadow. The mares large thoroughbred build made her prone to stepping on people's feet, and made her a pain to handle at times. She had been rescued off the track by Rowan and the barn owner, and she was still in training. Rowan was not her owner, only her trainer, but Rowan had fallen in love with the mare and would be heartbroken if she was sold. Rowan smiled as the mare snorted at a butterfly as it fluttered past. She quietly hummed to herself as she softly groomed Shadow. She squeezed the back of Shadow's leg as she hoof picked her, careful not to get kicked. She finished grooming, and slowly stepped back into the stall with the saddle pad. She allowed Shadow to smell it before she placed it lightly in her back. She quickly and efficiently finished tacking up, and led Shadow into the arena. Shadow had not been properly taught how to be led and didn't stay a good distance away from the human leading her, and Rowan stumbled as Shadow pranced into her, almost knocking her over. "C'mon, silly girl," Rowan said, tightening her girth and lengthening her stirrups. She nodded at the girl who was riding in the arena next to this one.

She had decided to jump Shadow today. She mounted swiftly, making Shadow halt at the mounting block so that she didn't walk away with younger or less experienced riders. She finally began to walk, praising Shadow quietly and patting her neck. "Good girl, " she whispered, picking up a a snooth posting trot. She began to sit to the floaty gait, her legs back underneath her and her back straight. She reversed directions and did a few circles before cantering. She hadn't wanted to use a Martingale on Shadow, but now regretted her decision as Shadow threw her head ups nd pulled at the bit. "Settle down, easy girl," she soothed the mare. She continued to canter until Shadow began to listen. She walked Shadow over a few poles, Shadow picking her feet up carefully. "How about we try a cross rail?" She whispered, even though She knew she wasn't the only one who talked to her horse. She began to trot, encouraging Shadow to keep moving as they popped over a small cross rail. " Good girl! " she exclaimed, patting the mares neck. She smiled and loosened the reins. "Let's call it a day," she said quietly.

She dismounted with a soft hop, and loosened the girth a bit. She walked back into the stable and swiftly untacked. She then led Shadow out to a large paddock filled with rolling hills. She unclipped Shadows halter and allowed her to run off. She shut the gate tightly and walked back to the barn. "Well, in headed out now," she said to Lizzy. Her and Lizzy has been friends for a while now, just not very close. They had only really hung out a few times before. She hopped into her car and drive home. She quickly showered and fell asleep, not even eating dinner.

Chapter 2

Rowan woke with a start, and stretched with a yawn. She hopped out of bed with one quick motion, excited to get to the barn. She slid into her breeches and a short sleeved polo shirt. She snatched a granola bar off the table and then walked out the door and for in her car. She drove down her driveway, singing softly to the radio.

When the brown haired girl reached the barn door, she stepped inside. She gave a wide grin to Lizzy and a wave. She walked toward Shadow's paddock, a carrot in one hand and a halter in the other. "Let's go, girl," she said as Shadow approached the gate at a high stepping trot. She haltered the mare, reaching high into the air to get it over the grey horses ears. She led the horse into the barn, Brown hair swishing freely behind her.

Rowan walked swiftly down the aisle after putting Shadow in the cross ties. She was planning to work on the flat today, as she knew that was where Shadow could use the most work. She grabbed a grooming kit and walked down the aisle to where Shadow stood. She quickly brushed the tall thoroughbred, and then tacked up. She then remembered the breakfast she had forgotten to eat that was in her pocket, and she gobbled it down. She finally put the mares bridle on and led her to the arena.

The slim bodied girl mounted her project mare with ease, and attempted to keep her still as she adjusted her stirrups from horseback. She smiled slightly as Shadow kept still. She then began to work through a small warm up routine. She made sure to keep Shadow rounded under her, and after riding for another hour, she called it a day. She knew the grey horse must be tired from this big workout. She decided to take her time untacking, and she slowly grooomed Shadow, settling into a methodid rythum as time passed swiftly around them.

* Please Critique this, and if you like it please please let me know in your post! I will write another chapter if you do :)*

Edited at April 28, 2020 04:34 PM by Oakstone stables
Equestrian Story| Please Critique! April 27, 2020 11:16 PM
Former Stable
 
Posts: 0
#647515
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I think breaking it up into paragraphs would help alot. To me personally there's a lot of repeated words like smiling. I would try changing it alittle. how does she smile? How good is her relationship with the barn manager? It doesn't sould like their very good friends. I hope this helps.
I'm writing my own story and would also appreciate critique.
Equestrian Story| Please Critique! April 27, 2020 11:17 PM

Creekside Eventing
 
Posts: 932
#647518
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Irish Stable said:
I think breaking it up into paragraphs would help alot. To me personally there's a lot of repeated words like smiling. I would try changing it alittle. how does she smile? How good is her relationship with the barn manager? It doesn't sould like their very good friends. I hope this helps.
I'm writing my own story and would also appreciate critique.


Thank you for the tips! I'm definitely going to use them in the next chapter :D
Equestrian Story| Please Critique! April 28, 2020 12:04 AM

Eyrie of the Stars
 
Posts: 858
#647577
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You repeat Rowan's name a lot. Instead you could use phrases that describe her. This would also give you a chance to tell the reader more about her without giving a full on description.
You could give an idea of her age. Ex: the teenager or the fourteen year old
You could also tell one of her physical characteristics. Ex: the blonde girl or the tall girl
Or you could tell them about her personality. Ex: the fiery girl or the gentle girl
Equestrian Story| Please Critique! April 28, 2020 12:05 AM

Creekside Eventing
 
Posts: 932
#647579
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Rainbow Canyon said:
You repeat Rowan's name a lot. Instead you could use phrases that describe her. This would also give you a chance to tell the reader more about her without giving a full on description.
You could give an idea of her age. Ex: the teenager or the fourteen year old
You could also tell one of her physical characteristics. Ex: the blonde girl or the tall girl
Or you could tell them about her personality. Ex: the fiery girl or the gentle girl


Those are actually really good tips! Thank you!
Equestrian Story| Please Critique! April 28, 2020 05:11 PM
Former Stable
 
Posts: 0
#648729
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Why does Rowan fall asleep in the first chapter? Somebody pointed that part out in one of my stories so I thought I'd share it. I wpuld also love it if Rowan talked a little more. In both chapters she only smiles and waves to people. The only time she talks is to the horse. Keep up the good work.
Equestrian Story| Please Critique! April 28, 2020 07:19 PM

Creekside Eventing
 
Posts: 932
#648876
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Irish Stable said:
Why does Rowan fall asleep in the first chapter? Somebody pointed that part out in one of my stories so I thought I'd share it. I wpuld also love it if Rowan talked a little more. In both chapters she only smiles and waves to people. The only time she talks is to the horse. Keep up the good work.


thank you!
Equestrian Story| Please Critique! April 29, 2020 04:55 AM

Tanglewood
 
Posts: 10108
#649562
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I notice a rather hazardous flow. Taking from Chapter 2:

"Rowan woke with a start, and stretched with a yawn. She hopped out of the bed in one quick motion, excited to get to the barn. She slid into her breeches and a short-sleeved polo shirt. She snatched a granola bar off the table and then walked out the door and for her car."

As previously stated, you're using 'she' a lot. You're also almlst always starting your sentences with it, creating an almost predictable sentence. Try mixing it up a bit. Example:

"Rowan woke with a start, and stretched with a yawn. Hopping out of the bed in a quick smooth motion, she slid into her breeches and polo shirt, her movements giving away her obvious excitement to get to the barn. Snatching a granola bar off the table, the brunette walked out of the door, moving in the direction of her car."

But it still doesn't give me a clear picture of how eveeything looks. I can't visualize the scene, or feel Rowan's emotions. Let's try again:

"Rowan woke with a start, her thin / muscular / pale / dark arms stretching with a wide yawn. She hopped out of her bed in a swift motion, her movements giving away her obvious excitement. Sliding into her breeches, she threw on a cream / blue / white / thin polo shirt haphazardly, struggling into the tight / loose top in her haste. Quickly snatching a granola bar off the smooth marble countertop, she walked out the door, and shut it with a loud bang. She marched towards her muddy 4x4 with purpose, her long /short hair swinging on beat with her slim knee-length boots. Inserting the key in the ignition, she slipped her favourite CD into the stereo, singing softly to the familiar tune as she drove out of her driveway."

I know, mine is nowhere near perfect. But can you see what you can do with a little more description? I love your story and idea, though, so I honestly don't want to be mean or anything. Great idea!

Equestrian Story| Please Critique! April 29, 2020 08:39 AM

Creekside Eventing
 
Posts: 932
#649619
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Tanglewood said:
I notice a rather hazardous flow. Taking from Chapter 2:

"Rowan woke with a start, and stretched with a yawn. She hopped out of the bed in one quick motion, excited to get to the barn. She slid into her breeches and a short-sleeved polo shirt. She snatched a granola bar off the table and then walked out the door and for her car."

As previously stated, you're using 'she' a lot. You're also almlst always starting your sentences with it, creating an almost predictable sentence. Try mixing it up a bit. Example:

"Rowan woke with a start, and stretched with a yawn. Hopping out of the bed in a quick smooth motion, she slid into her breeches and polo shirt, her movements giving away her obvious excitement to get to the barn. Snatching a granola bar off the table, the brunette walked out of the door, moving in the direction of her car."

But it still doesn't give me a clear picture of how eveeything looks. I can't visualize the scene, or feel Rowan's emotions. Let's try again:

"Rowan woke with a start, her thin / muscular / pale / dark arms stretching with a wide yawn. She hopped out of her bed in a swift motion, her movements giving away her obvious excitement. Sliding into her breeches, she threw on a cream / blue / white / thin polo shirt haphazardly, struggling into the tight / loose top in her haste. Quickly snatching a granola bar off the smooth marble countertop, she walked out the door, and shut it with a loud bang. She marched towards her muddy 4x4 with purpose, her long /short hair swinging on beat with her slim knee-length boots. Inserting the key in the ignition, she slipped her favourite CD into the stereo, singing softly to the familiar tune as she drove out of her driveway."

I know, mine is nowhere near perfect. But can you see what you can do with a little more description? I love your story and idea, though, so I honestly don't want to be mean or anything. Great idea!



thank you! It's not mean, I want it to be critiqued! That's really helpful, actually, thank you!

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