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6 year old WWE rated RID stallion for sale at 300k or offer. Has produced EWE's and EEE's.

I also have EWE RID mares for 70k and EEE RID mares for 15k. Feel free to offer.
Peacock Estate
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Peacock appy auction, I/SH!
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Palais de Lys
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EEE RID colt.
Merryland Farm
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Two premade mini sets available for 25k each - Tier 2 art at Tier 4 prices!! -HEE Click-
pandemoniu_m
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Cheap quality I/SH including:
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Sunfeather Stables
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Cool looking WB filly for sale!
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She Craves Genesis
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EWE Chestnut Tobiano filly . Wk4 + tracked. 30k
Blacknight Legend
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Alaskan Bay
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X, RID, KNN, and SH
Accepting offers on all
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T&K Ranch
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Barn full of horses for sale, priced less than free range!
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Skyrim
12:40:36 Wynter/Ghostly
-HEE Click-
6 year old WWE rated RID stallion for sale at 300k or offer. Has produced EWE's and EEE's.

I also have EWE RID mares for 70k and EEE RID mares for 15k. Feel free to offer.
Peacock Estate
12:38:28 Lily
Peacock appy auction, I/SH!
-HEE Click-
Palais de Lys
12:31:11 
-HEE Click-
EEE RID colt.
Merryland Farm
12:30:45 Merry
Two premade mini sets available for 25k each - Tier 2 art at Tier 4 prices!! -HEE Click-
pandemoniu_m
12:15:24 pheezy
-HEE Click-

Cheap quality I/SH including:
EEE Colts
PEW Mare
PEE-W Dunskin Mare
etc
Sunfeather Stables
12:11:30 SF / Sunfeather
Cool looking WB filly for sale!
-HEE Click-
She Craves Genesis
11:54:35 pheezy 2
-HEE Click-

EWE Chestnut Tobiano filly . Wk4 + tracked. 30k
Blacknight Legend
11:50:40 Knightie
-HEE Click-
Alaskan Bay
11:37:48 
X, RID, KNN, and SH
Accepting offers on all
-HEE Click-
T&K Ranch
11:36:40 
Barn full of horses for sale, priced less than free range!
-HEE Click-

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
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FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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