Horse Eden Eventing Game
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Sunni
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Wanted broodmares with the pearl coat.
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Willing to pay a decent amount to use them.
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09:08:44 *Mr. Krabs*
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E brave PON mares for 1k!

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iolite stables
01:29:06 yumii
-HEE Click-
horses up for sale/brood/stud!
Port Royal Equines
12:36:45 ISH Bravery 4 Sale!
-HEE Click-
EEE+ broods for 4k! Only a few left. Some are W producers.

-HEE Click-
Bravery and Geldings at auction!

-HEE Click-
Draft horse set at auction. Ending soon with only 1 bid!
pandemoniu_m
12:31:27 pheezy
-HEE Click-
Cozmic Elite
11:51:09 Z
-HEE Click-
Stable set contest
900k prize.
-HEE Click-
WWW Stalion 1m
-HEE Click-
Stained glass horses
Movement
Speed
Intelligence
MakeEm Fancy
11:30:02 Ally 💜
Int glass 90k
-HEE Click-
Sunshinez
10:58:22 
-HEE Click-

Come get you some colorful KNN, I am cleaning out my barn.
I've been away for a while and now I am back to cause chaos in the KNN world.
Alpine Acres
10:21:57 Lily
PEE colts and fillies, all under 400ebs sb!
-HEE Click-
KPH Equestrian
10:19:41 Jake From State Farm
-HEE Click-
Sunni
09:42:45 Sunni bunny
Wanted broodmares with the pearl coat.
Need them for a quest.
Willing to pay a decent amount to use them.
Thank you.
Tobiano Lady
09:08:44 *Mr. Krabs*
-HEE Click-
E brave PON mares for 1k!

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
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FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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