Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 193   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Breezy and Pleasant
Forecast:
Tue 04:24pm  
Stables Online:  125 
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Snow Stable
04:18:10 Snow❆Gem
Team east is 'only' 4k behind team north... ;P
Angels angels
04:12:14 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I guess we will see if I make it home today lol
Tobiano Lady
04:05:06 Tobi | Nix
-HEE Click-
it's kinda looking like her dad might be a good replacement lol
Eyrie of the Stars
03:55:21 Eyrie
LBKL if you still want to I have the quest for that too!
LBKL
03:20:16 
Raid anyone? Another quest, I'll thow in a Sherpa Map
Nightingales Ridge
03:15:52 Issy
Looky hahah 🥰🥰🐿
BlackRose
03:15:09 Stella
Does anyone know if there will be other mane & tail or another discipline/tack being added in the future? I love the different manes & tails
Nightingales Ridge
03:14:41 Issy
Eh whys it not working
Nightingales Ridge
03:14:09 Issy
Just wanted to share how cute it look with a chipmunk riding on the back
-HEE Click-
Cloud Peak Stables
03:14:01 Cloud
It never seems to be predictable for me, but there are times when I just have to leave because I can't accomplish much of anything.
Lilac Fields
03:13:56 Lillie
-HEE Click-
Oh wow I didnt even notice she was chimera its so subtle
Minerva
03:12:27 Min
100%! Sometimes it's absolutely fine, but often around this time in the evening it can get unplayably bad- even with only one tab open
Cloud Peak Stables
03:10:40 Cloud
lol Min. It will be nice to see a speedier site.
Minerva
03:08:22 Min
Lol the irony about the game having too much lag to say I'm ecstatic about the server situation changes haha
Crestwood Eq.
03:07:04 Ivy / poison ivy
Fanta

How are ya?
Sweet Valley
02:53:42 Anna/Jewel
Hiya, Ivy
Fantasy Horses
02:53:32 Fantasy | Fanta
Hey Ivy!
Crestwood Eq.
02:50:41 Ivy / poison ivy
Fantaaaa!

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Snow Stable
04:18:10 Snow❆Gem
Team east is 'only' 4k behind team north... ;P
Angels angels
04:12:14 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I guess we will see if I make it home today lol
Tobiano Lady
04:05:06 Tobi | Nix
-HEE Click-
it's kinda looking like her dad might be a good replacement lol
Eyrie of the Stars
03:55:21 Eyrie
LBKL if you still want to I have the quest for that too!
LBKL
03:20:16 
Raid anyone? Another quest, I'll thow in a Sherpa Map
Nightingales Ridge
03:15:52 Issy
Looky hahah 🥰🥰🐿
BlackRose
03:15:09 Stella
Does anyone know if there will be other mane & tail or another discipline/tack being added in the future? I love the different manes & tails
Nightingales Ridge
03:14:41 Issy
Eh whys it not working
Nightingales Ridge
03:14:09 Issy
Just wanted to share how cute it look with a chipmunk riding on the back
-HEE Click-
Cloud Peak Stables
03:14:01 Cloud
It never seems to be predictable for me, but there are times when I just have to leave because I can't accomplish much of anything.
Lilac Fields
03:13:56 Lillie
-HEE Click-
Oh wow I didnt even notice she was chimera its so subtle
Minerva
03:12:27 Min
100%! Sometimes it's absolutely fine, but often around this time in the evening it can get unplayably bad- even with only one tab open
Cloud Peak Stables
03:10:40 Cloud
lol Min. It will be nice to see a speedier site.
Minerva
03:08:22 Min
Lol the irony about the game having too much lag to say I'm ecstatic about the server situation changes haha
Crestwood Eq.
03:07:04 Ivy / poison ivy
Fanta

How are ya?
Sweet Valley
02:53:42 Anna/Jewel
Hiya, Ivy
Fantasy Horses
02:53:32 Fantasy | Fanta
Hey Ivy!
Crestwood Eq.
02:50:41 Ivy / poison ivy
Fantaaaa!

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7400
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3859
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7400
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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