Sooo, RL has been rough the past couple of months, and I just sorta need to write down whats happening instead of holding it all inside :)
Basically this goes back to August, in August, I recieved the news that a mare I was super close with and learned a lot of stuff with had to be put down, she had cushings, lost a bunch of weight and was around 35, so she was already near the end, and a huge heat wave was about to come with multiple 115 days in a row so the owners decided to put her down. I also recieved the news that the horse I work with the most/ride the most/have been with for 4 years won't be coming to my house to spend the winter. She's going to someone who is off/on for the past 2 years, I mean I sorta knew that was going to happen, but it's frustrating because I know I can give the mare a good home, and I know the mare better, the reason she is getting the mare is because her form was turned in before mine.
Anyways, that's just the horse drama,
I started school, and it was ok, I got into the classes I wanted, but I don't know anyone in them, which really stresses me out, I know maybe 1 or 2 people in class, I know college will be like that, but like I was looking forward to getting to stay with my friends, and becuase we are in different classes, some of them have shunned me, and won't talk to me. I'm really busy, the classes are harder than I though, and I'm so busy with XC, FFA, and homework, I don't have any time to myself. And I just can't mentally handle it, while all this is going on. Going into September, I'm trying to get my Licence, and the DMV just won't help me becuase of the fact I need to change my address, but apparently it's too much work and "not apart" of their job to cross reference one thing, like I can get my passport so much easier than my licence, which makes no sence, anyways I finally passed that. I'm starting to do well at XC, I'm our #4 Varsity girls runner, so I'm doing decent in terms of running, then I do the sprint and hills workout and hurt something in my knee, the pain has been at 10 multiple times, and is usually at around a 4-5 while walking around school, the school stairs don't help with that. Anyways, went to the doctor, they X-Rayed, nothing is wrong with the bone, but it could be something in my Meniscus, or another ligament, so I'm waiting for the MRI place to call me back, and I need to start PT. I'm so frustrated, I haven't really been able to run in a week, and I feel trapped, and am starting to get burnt out with everything, it's just so much to handle, and the best way to describe it is being trapped in a glass marble with water all around, threating to break the bubble, I'm safe, but the water is about to rush in, and I just don't know what to do if that happens.
I also sorta feel like I'm failing since I'm not perfect, I feel like I have to be perfect all the time and everywhere otherwise I'm just failing, for example, my parents keep comparing me to my little sisters, who have perfect grades, they are in middle school, the youngest does XC, but the middle one between me and the youngest, doesn't do any sports, or extracirriculars, and so she has more time to study and maintain perfect 100% in every single class. School has also come easily for her, for me it hasn't I've always struggled, and hence have had to let myself not get worked up over stuff I can't control, school has always been hard, and I don't think I could ever get those perfect 100% A's. My parents want me to be more like my siblings grade-wise but I don't see how it's possible. My grades are a mix of A's and B's as well which I feel aren't that bad? I mean I wish I could get all A's but I don't have the time or the resources to get those.
So I've decided to take a semi-hiatus from HEE, I just can't handle anymore stress in my life becuase of my AP/Honors Classes, FFA, Sports, PT, etc, and I need to take a break so I can recover mentally.
This is just skimming the surface of my stress, and I feel so much more inside as well that I just don't know how to put into words.
Overcast and Calm
