Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Breezy and Pleasant
Forecast:
Tue 06:01pm  
Stables Online:  105 
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Barbury Estates
05:44:57 Amelia
-HEE Click-
poll
Barbury Estates
05:35:24 Amelia
*could
Barbury Estates
05:31:40 Amelia
do you think I sell adoptables of those? Would it work?
Fantasy Horses
05:31:09 Fantasy | Fanta
Amelia
yes it does
Barbury Estates
05:30:48 Amelia
does the link work?
Meadowdown
05:30:47 
Sting -
The story of my life with trying to get WWW babies :'(
Narran Park
05:19:09 Sting
Well thats just rude.
-HEE Click-
WWW/WWE
Fantasy Horses
05:19:03 Fantasy | Fanta
Sting
Haha, I like that nickname lol
Thanks!
Narran Park
05:17:34 Sting
Congrats Fanta! Thats great!
Fantasy Horses
05:17:33 Fantasy | Fanta
Sting
Oof that's painful
Narran Park
05:16:57 Sting
-HEE Click-
I mean...WWWxWWE and we are only up 1..
Fantasy Horses
05:16:15 Fantasy | Fanta
Sting
It went okay. I only had 2 matches for RO so only two horses with week 4s. Both colts, one had 3 up (ANGER) and the other...
-HEE Click-
I love him even more now.
Narran Park
05:16:09 Sting
I am just going through them now. 1 EEE was up 5/6 so thats nice.
the RO gods didnt give me anything above an ewe last RO, so nothing too exciting here.
Angels angels
05:14:31 [1k+ brindles] Angel
-HEE Click-
Oh and I really like this girl. She did decent enough
Angels angels
05:13:44 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Sting
Did yours do well?
I have like 2 others I want to keep that only went up 3 but I am going to see how their week 7s are before I decide
Angels angels
05:13:03 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ooo nice chimmy
Barbury Estates
05:12:28 Amelia
-Click-
does that link work?
Sunni
05:12:27 Sunni bunny
-HEE Click-
O~O
I know this girl won't rate well but what is the chances of capturing a that.
Narran Park
05:12:22 Sting
Congrats to you both! They are ripper foals!
Angels angels
05:11:30 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Sting
Oooo mine was pretty awesome
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-

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Barbury Estates
05:44:57 Amelia
-HEE Click-
poll
Barbury Estates
05:35:24 Amelia
*could
Barbury Estates
05:31:40 Amelia
do you think I sell adoptables of those? Would it work?
Fantasy Horses
05:31:09 Fantasy | Fanta
Amelia
yes it does
Barbury Estates
05:30:48 Amelia
does the link work?
Meadowdown
05:30:47 
Sting -
The story of my life with trying to get WWW babies :'(
Narran Park
05:19:09 Sting
Well thats just rude.
-HEE Click-
WWW/WWE
Fantasy Horses
05:19:03 Fantasy | Fanta
Sting
Haha, I like that nickname lol
Thanks!
Narran Park
05:17:34 Sting
Congrats Fanta! Thats great!
Fantasy Horses
05:17:33 Fantasy | Fanta
Sting
Oof that's painful
Narran Park
05:16:57 Sting
-HEE Click-
I mean...WWWxWWE and we are only up 1..
Fantasy Horses
05:16:15 Fantasy | Fanta
Sting
It went okay. I only had 2 matches for RO so only two horses with week 4s. Both colts, one had 3 up (ANGER) and the other...
-HEE Click-
I love him even more now.
Narran Park
05:16:09 Sting
I am just going through them now. 1 EEE was up 5/6 so thats nice.
the RO gods didnt give me anything above an ewe last RO, so nothing too exciting here.
Angels angels
05:14:31 [1k+ brindles] Angel
-HEE Click-
Oh and I really like this girl. She did decent enough
Angels angels
05:13:44 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Sting
Did yours do well?
I have like 2 others I want to keep that only went up 3 but I am going to see how their week 7s are before I decide
Angels angels
05:13:03 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ooo nice chimmy
Barbury Estates
05:12:28 Amelia
-Click-
does that link work?
Sunni
05:12:27 Sunni bunny
-HEE Click-
O~O
I know this girl won't rate well but what is the chances of capturing a that.
Narran Park
05:12:22 Sting
Congrats to you both! They are ripper foals!
Angels angels
05:11:30 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Sting
Oooo mine was pretty awesome
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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