Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Moderate Temperatures and Overcast
Forecast:
Mon 08:42pm  
Stables Online:  123 
Chatbox
Sunni
08:39:56 Sunni bunny
I am gonna roll out of here see y'all later.
Sunni
08:36:39 Sunni bunny
Cove haha, am gonna do that to my mom.
Also it's either gonna be shrimp or pizza.
Angels angels
08:36:27 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I can't wait for the day we move into a bigger house and I can get my dream dog lol
Glacier Bay Cove
08:34:55 Arctic Katz
Oh, that sounds delicious, Sunni
NightClan
08:34:38 Night
Eve,
Yeah, it's pretty sad watching it go lol
Glacier Bay Cove
08:34:16 Arctic Katz
It's my mom's birthday today and I just wished her a good clock. I am dying laughing
MakeEm Fancy
08:34:02 Ally 💜
Hopefully :D
Golden Crest
08:33:22 | Eve
Ally
Hopefully you get a ToTo
Golden Crest
08:32:57 | Eve
Night
I need to get one too, but I hate seeing the ebs vanish haha
MakeEm Fancy
08:32:35 Ally 💜
Im doing this
+Sven
-HEE Click-
NightClan
08:31:22 Night
Eve,
Yeah, Ill probably manage one but definitely not both. Might need to save one for the future lol
Golden Crest
08:29:59 | Eve
Night
They look good! Hopefully you can get a sven
Insignia Elites
08:29:10 Em
No he is AD and my freshie for next year is a bay too xD
MakeEm Fancy
08:29:01 Ally 💜
I have a black tobiano match next RO
NightClan
08:28:41 Night
These are the two matches with her I'm hoping for
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
Sunni
08:28:34 Sunni bunny
EM is he a SD?
NightClan
08:27:41 Night
Eve,
Yeah, I'm hoping to afford a filly sven for it but we'll see how my geldings and quests do/go haha
Insignia Elites
08:27:39 Em
I need more colour in my lines, my main stud is just plain bay D:
Golden Crest
08:26:39 | Eve
Night
Oh that'll be exciting! Fingers crossed for you <33
Sunni
08:24:33 Sunni bunny
I gotta get up and cook but I don't wanna.
I got shrimp and corn I promised Id cook for my mom today.

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Sunni
08:39:56 Sunni bunny
I am gonna roll out of here see y'all later.
Sunni
08:36:39 Sunni bunny
Cove haha, am gonna do that to my mom.
Also it's either gonna be shrimp or pizza.
Angels angels
08:36:27 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I can't wait for the day we move into a bigger house and I can get my dream dog lol
Glacier Bay Cove
08:34:55 Arctic Katz
Oh, that sounds delicious, Sunni
NightClan
08:34:38 Night
Eve,
Yeah, it's pretty sad watching it go lol
Glacier Bay Cove
08:34:16 Arctic Katz
It's my mom's birthday today and I just wished her a good clock. I am dying laughing
MakeEm Fancy
08:34:02 Ally 💜
Hopefully :D
Golden Crest
08:33:22 | Eve
Ally
Hopefully you get a ToTo
Golden Crest
08:32:57 | Eve
Night
I need to get one too, but I hate seeing the ebs vanish haha
MakeEm Fancy
08:32:35 Ally 💜
Im doing this
+Sven
-HEE Click-
NightClan
08:31:22 Night
Eve,
Yeah, Ill probably manage one but definitely not both. Might need to save one for the future lol
Golden Crest
08:29:59 | Eve
Night
They look good! Hopefully you can get a sven
Insignia Elites
08:29:10 Em
No he is AD and my freshie for next year is a bay too xD
MakeEm Fancy
08:29:01 Ally 💜
I have a black tobiano match next RO
NightClan
08:28:41 Night
These are the two matches with her I'm hoping for
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
Sunni
08:28:34 Sunni bunny
EM is he a SD?
NightClan
08:27:41 Night
Eve,
Yeah, I'm hoping to afford a filly sven for it but we'll see how my geldings and quests do/go haha
Insignia Elites
08:27:39 Em
I need more colour in my lines, my main stud is just plain bay D:
Golden Crest
08:26:39 | Eve
Night
Oh that'll be exciting! Fingers crossed for you <33
Sunni
08:24:33 Sunni bunny
I gotta get up and cook but I don't wanna.
I got shrimp and corn I promised Id cook for my mom today.

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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