Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
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Forecast: Overcast and Calm
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Fri 05:58pm  
Stables Online:  99 
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KPH Equestrian
05:58:05 Rapcoon | Jester
-HEE Click-
Gem Queens Estate
05:57:13 Snow❆Gem
Breed PP apricot... again? My goodness. Maybe tomorrow I'll try. I had that quest not long ago.
Gem Queens Estate
05:50:59 Snow❆Gem
This internet! O.o
Ravenwood Farm
05:44:06 
Ooo they are indeed not tiger, but they are amber! What is that? xD
Angels angels
05:43:31 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Oh Amber eyes
Ravenwood Farm
05:42:44 
Maybe I should do it just for peace of mind x3
Angels angels
05:40:48 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I mean you could gene test her and find out lol
Ravenwood Farm
05:40:19 
Ah ok. I just keep wondering why it's not blue, since she's double creme
Angels angels
05:39:30 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Nah I think it is just brown eye
Ravenwood Farm
05:39:07 
-HEE Click-
This one doesn't have tiger eye, by any chance?
KPH Equestrian
05:38:57 Rapcoon | Jester
black with creme is smokey black lol
Gem Queens Estate
05:38:03 Snow❆Gem
@raven

Black, brown, and bays + creme = buckskin. :D And then the pearl makes it added to the color name after that. :D
KPH Equestrian
05:37:07 Rapcoon | Jester
hm, not buckskin, she doesn't have cream. Looks like bay under the white ^^
Cozmic Elite
05:37:07 
I didn't think twice for a moment since Buckskin AAs like me Lol
But she doesn't have cream.
Ravenwood Farm
05:35:51 
I think brown or bay?
Gemstone Stable
05:33:21 Snow❆Gem
@CE

Oh lovely! She's a buckskin pearl under the white! XD *boops*
Cozmic Elite
05:30:54 
-HEE Click-
Oh lil wild hiding prl
Hummingbird Meadows
05:30:03 Bird
@Dusty, thanks! I wasn't sure since the boots have pink in them and the dress doesn't have pink:
Savannah Stables
05:26:05 Dusty
Hummer
It's cute!
Hobo Queens Farm
05:22:19 Her Majesty
Am I the only Goober who thinks it is possible to play online horse games while cleaning my real life horse tack? How will I get all this saddle soap off my keyboard anyway?

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KPH Equestrian
05:58:05 Rapcoon | Jester
-HEE Click-
Gem Queens Estate
05:57:13 Snow❆Gem
Breed PP apricot... again? My goodness. Maybe tomorrow I'll try. I had that quest not long ago.
Gem Queens Estate
05:50:59 Snow❆Gem
This internet! O.o
Ravenwood Farm
05:44:06 
Ooo they are indeed not tiger, but they are amber! What is that? xD
Angels angels
05:43:31 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Oh Amber eyes
Ravenwood Farm
05:42:44 
Maybe I should do it just for peace of mind x3
Angels angels
05:40:48 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I mean you could gene test her and find out lol
Ravenwood Farm
05:40:19 
Ah ok. I just keep wondering why it's not blue, since she's double creme
Angels angels
05:39:30 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Nah I think it is just brown eye
Ravenwood Farm
05:39:07 
-HEE Click-
This one doesn't have tiger eye, by any chance?
KPH Equestrian
05:38:57 Rapcoon | Jester
black with creme is smokey black lol
Gem Queens Estate
05:38:03 Snow❆Gem
@raven

Black, brown, and bays + creme = buckskin. :D And then the pearl makes it added to the color name after that. :D
KPH Equestrian
05:37:07 Rapcoon | Jester
hm, not buckskin, she doesn't have cream. Looks like bay under the white ^^
Cozmic Elite
05:37:07 
I didn't think twice for a moment since Buckskin AAs like me Lol
But she doesn't have cream.
Ravenwood Farm
05:35:51 
I think brown or bay?
Gemstone Stable
05:33:21 Snow❆Gem
@CE

Oh lovely! She's a buckskin pearl under the white! XD *boops*
Cozmic Elite
05:30:54 
-HEE Click-
Oh lil wild hiding prl
Hummingbird Meadows
05:30:03 Bird
@Dusty, thanks! I wasn't sure since the boots have pink in them and the dress doesn't have pink:
Savannah Stables
05:26:05 Dusty
Hummer
It's cute!
Hobo Queens Farm
05:22:19 Her Majesty
Am I the only Goober who thinks it is possible to play online horse games while cleaning my real life horse tack? How will I get all this saddle soap off my keyboard anyway?

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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