Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Daytime Flurries, Clearing Overnight
Forecast:
Mon 11:51am  
Stables Online:  122 
Chatbox
The Northern Lights
11:46:56 Ansley
-HEE Click-
Should I keep him?
Eagle Creek
11:46:12 Eagle
She's pretty
-HEE Click-
Glacier Bay Cove
11:45:20 Arctic Katz
I also hope to complete it on RO
Glacier Bay Cove
11:44:36 Arctic Katz
Breeding
Breed a Brindle foal.
Reward: 10,000 Eden Bucks 15,000Store Credits
Angels angels
11:44:36 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ooo pretty Imp!!

I am just keeping the quest hopefully I can do it on RO if anything. I have both brindle quests though
Glacier Bay Cove
11:44:32 Arctic Katz
Still working on this quest
MakeEm Fancy
11:44:02 Ally 💜
Thanks capp! Im really happy I won him
Imperial Warmbloods
11:43:57 Imp/Impie/Impy
I forgot I had you- lol
-HEE Click-
Red Panda Hollow
11:43:50 Athena's SA-PON
lol well he's all yours
Sun Ranch
11:43:38 
Breeding premium brindle has NEVER happened for me when I needed it. I've only done it when the quest wasn't up. Lol
Blue Diamond
11:43:15 Bluey
Angel
same >.<
Whiskeystar Farm
11:42:42 Whiskey
Ok wait wait wait I did do RO this month I think. I just didn't breed all my horses for some reason
Angels angels
11:42:36 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Damn it Athena I have been working on that quest since last monday XD I have bred out all of my ratings quest boys trying to do it too. That like over 20 studs
Blue Diamond
11:42:06 Bluey
Whiskey
Yikes lol
Blue Diamond
11:41:57 Bluey
Athena
The eyes >>
Glacier Bay Cove
11:41:56 Arctic Katz
Congratulations, Athena
Red Panda Hollow
11:41:15 Athena's SA-PON
ha for once I have completed the breed a premium brindle quest
-HEE Click-
Whiskeystar Farm
11:40:40 Whiskey
Oh my god I just realized this is my first time logging on in July. I'm not ready for RO next month and I haven't even done this month
Glacier Bay Cove
11:40:23 Arctic Katz
Got my brindles reorganised again
Sun Ranch
11:40:10 
@Gemstone

Not all W are equal. Nor all E. There is variation in ratings- very strong, average, low, etc. If you track the training each week, you can get a better idea of the strengths and weaknesses of each horse.

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The Northern Lights
11:46:56 Ansley
-HEE Click-
Should I keep him?
Eagle Creek
11:46:12 Eagle
She's pretty
-HEE Click-
Glacier Bay Cove
11:45:20 Arctic Katz
I also hope to complete it on RO
Glacier Bay Cove
11:44:36 Arctic Katz
Breeding
Breed a Brindle foal.
Reward: 10,000 Eden Bucks 15,000Store Credits
Angels angels
11:44:36 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ooo pretty Imp!!

I am just keeping the quest hopefully I can do it on RO if anything. I have both brindle quests though
Glacier Bay Cove
11:44:32 Arctic Katz
Still working on this quest
MakeEm Fancy
11:44:02 Ally 💜
Thanks capp! Im really happy I won him
Imperial Warmbloods
11:43:57 Imp/Impie/Impy
I forgot I had you- lol
-HEE Click-
Red Panda Hollow
11:43:50 Athena's SA-PON
lol well he's all yours
Sun Ranch
11:43:38 
Breeding premium brindle has NEVER happened for me when I needed it. I've only done it when the quest wasn't up. Lol
Blue Diamond
11:43:15 Bluey
Angel
same >.<
Whiskeystar Farm
11:42:42 Whiskey
Ok wait wait wait I did do RO this month I think. I just didn't breed all my horses for some reason
Angels angels
11:42:36 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Damn it Athena I have been working on that quest since last monday XD I have bred out all of my ratings quest boys trying to do it too. That like over 20 studs
Blue Diamond
11:42:06 Bluey
Whiskey
Yikes lol
Blue Diamond
11:41:57 Bluey
Athena
The eyes >>
Glacier Bay Cove
11:41:56 Arctic Katz
Congratulations, Athena
Red Panda Hollow
11:41:15 Athena's SA-PON
ha for once I have completed the breed a premium brindle quest
-HEE Click-
Whiskeystar Farm
11:40:40 Whiskey
Oh my god I just realized this is my first time logging on in July. I'm not ready for RO next month and I haven't even done this month
Glacier Bay Cove
11:40:23 Arctic Katz
Got my brindles reorganised again
Sun Ranch
11:40:10 
@Gemstone

Not all W are equal. Nor all E. There is variation in ratings- very strong, average, low, etc. If you track the training each week, you can get a better idea of the strengths and weaknesses of each horse.

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3842
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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