Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Afternoon Showers, Sleet Possible
Forecast:
Wed 08:17am  
Stables Online:  103 
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Gemstone Stable
08:15:24 Snow❆Gem
@myth

Morning! :)
Mythological
08:12:12 Crowley
Hey Ana
Angels angels
07:56:43 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I was doing quest breeding lol
Lilac Fields
07:54:19 Lillie
cool angel
Angels angels
07:51:56 [1k+ brindles] Angel
-HEE Click-
Oh wow *.*
Vancouver
07:27:05 Ana / Van
Woops, turned*
Vancouver
07:26:26 Ana / Van
-HEE Click-
This one :P
Vancouver
07:25:43 Ana / Van
Min
I had a girl like that, she turnen out Average xD
DearBorn Ranch
07:12:13 Louise
that is always so sad lol
ArcticLights
07:12:03 Ceci / (Call me) AL
Or she will go all the way and be a sub
Minerva
07:10:59 Min
-HEE Click-

This pony has done 50 moves without spooking at least 3 times- watch her finally spook tomorrow and turn out Superb 🤣🤣
Hy Brasil
07:06:12 Croft
reroll on an all white sabino I like the frost in mane and tail! -HEE Click-
Embervale Acres
07:03:56 Solar Phoenix
Very nice!
Hy Brasil
06:58:05 Croft
his little brother coming up next month. They sure have badger face dialed in lol -HEE Click-
Angels angels
06:56:34 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ohhh I love him *-*
Hy Brasil
06:55:57 Croft
this is her dad -HEE Click-
Hy Brasil
06:55:29 Croft
guess my freshman did not do too bad :)
Red Horizon Ranch
06:52:11 Red
Ohh yeah she’s gorgeous Rivercreek
Hy Brasil
06:50:56 Croft
nice color -HEE Click-
Rivercreek Ranch
06:45:11 
-HEE Click-
She's so pretty but her rating has me devestated :((

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Gemstone Stable
08:15:24 Snow❆Gem
@myth

Morning! :)
Mythological
08:12:12 Crowley
Hey Ana
Angels angels
07:56:43 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I was doing quest breeding lol
Lilac Fields
07:54:19 Lillie
cool angel
Angels angels
07:51:56 [1k+ brindles] Angel
-HEE Click-
Oh wow *.*
Vancouver
07:27:05 Ana / Van
Woops, turned*
Vancouver
07:26:26 Ana / Van
-HEE Click-
This one :P
Vancouver
07:25:43 Ana / Van
Min
I had a girl like that, she turnen out Average xD
DearBorn Ranch
07:12:13 Louise
that is always so sad lol
ArcticLights
07:12:03 Ceci / (Call me) AL
Or she will go all the way and be a sub
Minerva
07:10:59 Min
-HEE Click-

This pony has done 50 moves without spooking at least 3 times- watch her finally spook tomorrow and turn out Superb 🤣🤣
Hy Brasil
07:06:12 Croft
reroll on an all white sabino I like the frost in mane and tail! -HEE Click-
Embervale Acres
07:03:56 Solar Phoenix
Very nice!
Hy Brasil
06:58:05 Croft
his little brother coming up next month. They sure have badger face dialed in lol -HEE Click-
Angels angels
06:56:34 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ohhh I love him *-*
Hy Brasil
06:55:57 Croft
this is her dad -HEE Click-
Hy Brasil
06:55:29 Croft
guess my freshman did not do too bad :)
Red Horizon Ranch
06:52:11 Red
Ohh yeah she’s gorgeous Rivercreek
Hy Brasil
06:50:56 Croft
nice color -HEE Click-
Rivercreek Ranch
06:45:11 
-HEE Click-
She's so pretty but her rating has me devestated :((

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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