Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Snow and Sleet Mix, Clearing at Night
Forecast:
Wed 02:32am  
Stables Online:  54 
Chatbox
Wild_Potatoes
02:29:00 
-HEE Click-
Holy shit, soooooo handsome
Sagewood Stables
02:22:54 
hello :) , i have a question, is a P/E/E a good wild find?
Minerva
01:47:05 Min
Depends which parent is which breed. WB sire x TB dam would make WB, the other way round would be SH
TB Goin Crazy!
01:42:59 
Wb x Tb would make a sport horse right
Stargazer
01:36:38 Star - RID|KNN
wow she's pretty, too bad she isnt better rated. Still might keep her though

-HEE Click-
Fantasy Horses
12:46:38 Fantasy | Fanta
bye bluey!!
Blue Diamond
12:46:18 Bluey
Goodnight, everyone!
Narran Park
12:39:14 Sting
it doesnt look like my BM entered any...
Fantasy Horses
12:32:17 Fantasy | Fanta
Entered two horses XD
Fantasy Horses
12:32:12 Fantasy | Fanta
+725 profit for me lol
Fantasy Horses
12:31:18 Fantasy | Fanta
Bluey
oof that's rough
Golden Heart
12:29:37 Gold
blue

oop
Narran Park
12:17:45 Sting
Thanks Lovelies!
Just one of those days!

These days are important i guess. Helps me appreciate the good ones.
Blue Diamond
12:16:44 Bluey
Okay.... -12000 in shows today....someone's getting sent to the glue factory....
Alpine Acres
12:15:29 Lily
Sorry to hear that Sting :(
hope it get's better for you!
Glacier Bay Cove
12:13:20 Arctic Katz
Hopefully the rest of your week will get better, Sting
Narran Park
12:10:40 Sting
Ugh. I have had such a shitty day. I'll be glad when this week is over.
Glacier Bay Cove
12:03:15 Arctic Katz
-Click- I can't stop laughing
Glacier Bay Cove
11:57:24 Arctic Katz
Super excited about them
Glacier Bay Cove
11:57:06 Arctic Katz
And working on several art pieces, including a palette or four

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Wild_Potatoes
02:29:00 
-HEE Click-
Holy shit, soooooo handsome
Sagewood Stables
02:22:54 
hello :) , i have a question, is a P/E/E a good wild find?
Minerva
01:47:05 Min
Depends which parent is which breed. WB sire x TB dam would make WB, the other way round would be SH
TB Goin Crazy!
01:42:59 
Wb x Tb would make a sport horse right
Stargazer
01:36:38 Star - RID|KNN
wow she's pretty, too bad she isnt better rated. Still might keep her though

-HEE Click-
Fantasy Horses
12:46:38 Fantasy | Fanta
bye bluey!!
Blue Diamond
12:46:18 Bluey
Goodnight, everyone!
Narran Park
12:39:14 Sting
it doesnt look like my BM entered any...
Fantasy Horses
12:32:17 Fantasy | Fanta
Entered two horses XD
Fantasy Horses
12:32:12 Fantasy | Fanta
+725 profit for me lol
Fantasy Horses
12:31:18 Fantasy | Fanta
Bluey
oof that's rough
Golden Heart
12:29:37 Gold
blue

oop
Narran Park
12:17:45 Sting
Thanks Lovelies!
Just one of those days!

These days are important i guess. Helps me appreciate the good ones.
Blue Diamond
12:16:44 Bluey
Okay.... -12000 in shows today....someone's getting sent to the glue factory....
Alpine Acres
12:15:29 Lily
Sorry to hear that Sting :(
hope it get's better for you!
Glacier Bay Cove
12:13:20 Arctic Katz
Hopefully the rest of your week will get better, Sting
Narran Park
12:10:40 Sting
Ugh. I have had such a shitty day. I'll be glad when this week is over.
Glacier Bay Cove
12:03:15 Arctic Katz
-Click- I can't stop laughing
Glacier Bay Cove
11:57:24 Arctic Katz
Super excited about them
Glacier Bay Cove
11:57:06 Arctic Katz
And working on several art pieces, including a palette or four

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3843
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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