Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Breezy and Pleasant
Forecast:
Tue 08:53am  
Stables Online:  100 
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Snitches' Stitches
08:36:39 Snitch
Very cute thicc!
Thicc Acres
08:26:41 
& you're cute -HEE Click-
Thicc Acres
08:25:23 
Oh hey -HEE Click-
Insignia Elites
08:20:40 Em
I also need to learn more about the genetics
Insignia Elites
08:20:25 Em
Wow that's gorgeous! I need more colour in my barns xD
Kepler Wings
08:19:44 Dae
Em -HEE Click- he has silver and DD
Insignia Elites
08:15:00 Em
What does a silver double dun look like O.o
Snitches' Stitches
08:00:24 Snitch
Meanwhile I'm slowly trying to build an army of ZZ horses lol
Calela Eventing
05:20:25 Cali
Ru
Im still hunting a double dun never mind a silver double dun
Good luck!
Sagruesal
05:14:20 Ru
I'm still somewhat hunting a silver double dun, it exists but isn't easy to get.
Sagruesal
05:11:31 Ru
double duns are the best haha
Dressage
04:28:06 
Thank you SR :)
Secretariat Ranch
03:59:16 SR
Anakin's Angel
Anakin's Queen
Forever an Angel
A Queens Paradise
Dressage
03:48:56 
-HEE Click-
Anyone have better name suggestions :)
MANIA
03:10:55 
omggg i loveee double duns, the pigment is chefs kiss
Alpine Acres
03:09:56 Lily
ooh she's lovely! So unique :)
this was my best capture from capture day, I think she's so pretty
-HEE Click-
MANIA
03:08:39 
i think i got her and this one from the same pull!
-HEE Click-

Theyre def my faves x)
Alpine Acres
03:06:17 Lily
i can imagine! Getting flashy horses from captures is rare xD
MANIA
03:02:43 
thank you! I was super shocked getting that from the random capture ahah
Alpine Acres
03:02:05 Lily
of course :) she's gorgeous!

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Snitches' Stitches
08:36:39 Snitch
Very cute thicc!
Thicc Acres
08:26:41 
& you're cute -HEE Click-
Thicc Acres
08:25:23 
Oh hey -HEE Click-
Insignia Elites
08:20:40 Em
I also need to learn more about the genetics
Insignia Elites
08:20:25 Em
Wow that's gorgeous! I need more colour in my barns xD
Kepler Wings
08:19:44 Dae
Em -HEE Click- he has silver and DD
Insignia Elites
08:15:00 Em
What does a silver double dun look like O.o
Snitches' Stitches
08:00:24 Snitch
Meanwhile I'm slowly trying to build an army of ZZ horses lol
Calela Eventing
05:20:25 Cali
Ru
Im still hunting a double dun never mind a silver double dun
Good luck!
Sagruesal
05:14:20 Ru
I'm still somewhat hunting a silver double dun, it exists but isn't easy to get.
Sagruesal
05:11:31 Ru
double duns are the best haha
Dressage
04:28:06 
Thank you SR :)
Secretariat Ranch
03:59:16 SR
Anakin's Angel
Anakin's Queen
Forever an Angel
A Queens Paradise
Dressage
03:48:56 
-HEE Click-
Anyone have better name suggestions :)
MANIA
03:10:55 
omggg i loveee double duns, the pigment is chefs kiss
Alpine Acres
03:09:56 Lily
ooh she's lovely! So unique :)
this was my best capture from capture day, I think she's so pretty
-HEE Click-
MANIA
03:08:39 
i think i got her and this one from the same pull!
-HEE Click-

Theyre def my faves x)
Alpine Acres
03:06:17 Lily
i can imagine! Getting flashy horses from captures is rare xD
MANIA
03:02:43 
thank you! I was super shocked getting that from the random capture ahah
Alpine Acres
03:02:05 Lily
of course :) she's gorgeous!

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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