Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
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Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Fri 03:14am  
Stables Online:  33 
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Alpine Acres
03:09:58 Lily
sure thing! PM me :)
MK Sport Horse Yard
03:08:30 
That would be great and yikes that is a lot to set free!
ZequineZ
02:53:33 ZEZ - ZZ
My current 3 quests 😂
set free 100 horses
Set free 200 horses
Set free 300 horses
Alpine Acres
02:45:43 Lily
MK
I'd be happy to help :)
MK Sport Horse Yard
02:28:03 
Can someone help me narrow my herd? I did that capture quest and now I'm swamped :(
Gypsy Family Farm
02:13:03 
She's STUNNING!
Moonpaw Magic
01:54:33 Diva's pawsickles
Manchies are purdy
-HEE Click-
Golden Heart
01:50:59 Gold
ignore the horrendous spelling 0_0
Golden Heart
01:50:33 Gold
Im severly contemplating getting premioum xD

BUT, just becouse school starts in a month and i dont wanna buy a membership just to barely use it lol
Dash and Duchess
01:48:10 DD | ~Squizard~
I agree with diva! premium is incredibly worth it <3
Mooncreek Magic
01:44:13 Diva's fruits
Instead of item, get a premium. It will help you more
Wild Wind Stables
01:39:13 Wind
*Match her stats

I enjoy the challenge though!
Wild Wind Stables
01:38:46 Wind
WB and X. I'm trying to do patterns and rating simultaneously so it's been a little hard to find stallions who have the right coat, catch her stats, have good ratings, and have a breeding requirement under EEE
MK Sport Horse Yard
01:38:28 
Can we crossbreed on here?
Mooncreek Magic
01:35:15 Diva's fruits
What breed you do ?
Mooncreek Magic
01:33:26 Diva's fruits
Exactly
Wild Wind Stables
01:32:17 Wind
A strong producer means generally giving foals with the same or better rating than herself?
Wild Wind Stables
01:31:13 Wind
This is good to know, thank you! I really want to build my barn from the ground up, good to know that I can wait on the expensive stuff
Mooncreek Magic
01:29:28 Diva's fruits
I built my lines entirely from ssp combo wilds, it took me around 3+ years and I'm now up to eww, I would never waste items on epp rated horses. You need to develop lineage first and make sure they are strong producers with a good training to consider even an item. You don't want to waste money on random shits that will give you false results and halt progress
Black Dragon Stable
01:07:48 BDS / Black / Stormy
Value depends upon the person. I'm a player who likes the challenge of building my lines up from the ground. So it could be worth it (although I've never actually used a glass, medallion, of sven on any of my pairings).

With that said, at 3 months, I'd honestly wait vs throwing the money at one of those aids.

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Alpine Acres
03:09:58 Lily
sure thing! PM me :)
MK Sport Horse Yard
03:08:30 
That would be great and yikes that is a lot to set free!
ZequineZ
02:53:33 ZEZ - ZZ
My current 3 quests 😂
set free 100 horses
Set free 200 horses
Set free 300 horses
Alpine Acres
02:45:43 Lily
MK
I'd be happy to help :)
MK Sport Horse Yard
02:28:03 
Can someone help me narrow my herd? I did that capture quest and now I'm swamped :(
Gypsy Family Farm
02:13:03 
She's STUNNING!
Moonpaw Magic
01:54:33 Diva's pawsickles
Manchies are purdy
-HEE Click-
Golden Heart
01:50:59 Gold
ignore the horrendous spelling 0_0
Golden Heart
01:50:33 Gold
Im severly contemplating getting premioum xD

BUT, just becouse school starts in a month and i dont wanna buy a membership just to barely use it lol
Dash and Duchess
01:48:10 DD | ~Squizard~
I agree with diva! premium is incredibly worth it <3
Mooncreek Magic
01:44:13 Diva's fruits
Instead of item, get a premium. It will help you more
Wild Wind Stables
01:39:13 Wind
*Match her stats

I enjoy the challenge though!
Wild Wind Stables
01:38:46 Wind
WB and X. I'm trying to do patterns and rating simultaneously so it's been a little hard to find stallions who have the right coat, catch her stats, have good ratings, and have a breeding requirement under EEE
MK Sport Horse Yard
01:38:28 
Can we crossbreed on here?
Mooncreek Magic
01:35:15 Diva's fruits
What breed you do ?
Mooncreek Magic
01:33:26 Diva's fruits
Exactly
Wild Wind Stables
01:32:17 Wind
A strong producer means generally giving foals with the same or better rating than herself?
Wild Wind Stables
01:31:13 Wind
This is good to know, thank you! I really want to build my barn from the ground up, good to know that I can wait on the expensive stuff
Mooncreek Magic
01:29:28 Diva's fruits
I built my lines entirely from ssp combo wilds, it took me around 3+ years and I'm now up to eww, I would never waste items on epp rated horses. You need to develop lineage first and make sure they are strong producers with a good training to consider even an item. You don't want to waste money on random shits that will give you false results and halt progress
Black Dragon Stable
01:07:48 BDS / Black / Stormy
Value depends upon the person. I'm a player who likes the challenge of building my lines up from the ground. So it could be worth it (although I've never actually used a glass, medallion, of sven on any of my pairings).

With that said, at 3 months, I'd honestly wait vs throwing the money at one of those aids.

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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