My boyfriend of almost 5 years (our 5 year anniversary would've been in December), who I've also been living with for almost 5 years, just told me this morning he's pretty sure he wants to break up.

He told me a few weeks ago that he wasn't sure he wanted to be together anymore, because he thinks he needs to just be alone for a while. But we carried on with our lives together and acted like everthing was fine. It was harder for me to do than it was for him though, but we were enjoying our time together and I thought maybe he won't break up with me after all since things were going really well. After all, he's unsure about a lot of things and often doubts himself so I tried to not think too much about it.

Well he had a therapy appointment yesterday and his therapist told him that she thinks he wants to break up with me, so I guess whatever she says it true right?

I'm just absolutely devastated right now. I'm also completely depedent on him for everything— i live in his house free of rent or bills, he pays for my groceries, he pays for all of our dates, since my metal health has really affected my ability to hold a job and believe I'm good enough to work anywhere. I did have an internship at the end of school, that became a short-term contract that had the potential to turn into a permanent job at a local design agency as a graphic designer, but I guess i wasn't what they were looking for since my contract was only extended by 2 weeks (originally it was just 1 month). I haven't applied anywhere yet because I'm honestly just scared, and I'm not confident in my abilities to be creative. Thankfully since I didn't have many expenses, I have had enough money saved to take care of my cat.... which is a whole other thing.

We got 3 kittens all within 4 months this year. My boyfriend got a british shorthair kitten named Charlie first, and then I decided since I was working I could afford to have my own so I adopted a kitten from a rescue named Chloe. He then wanted to get a ragdoll kitten a month and a half later that we named Rosie. I was really happy that we were like a little family, and I am very attached to his cats and treat them as if they were my own (I say I'm their mommy, lol). In fact, I'm the only one who puts in the effort to take care of them. My boyfriend is morbidly obese and can't do a lot of physical things, going down and up the stairs is even hard for him. So I have to feed them, give them water, play with them, clip their nails, clean their litter boxes all on my own every day. I love them all so much, I don't want to say goodbye.

Unfortunately now my money is starting to become less over time, so obviously I will have to get a job. My mom has always told me I'm free to come live with her if I need to at any time, but her boyfriend who she's also lived with for almost 5 years, is very allergic to cats. She says we can make it work, but I just don't see how. My bedroom in their home is so small I don't think it would be good to keep Chloe in there all the time...

I just dont understand why he wants to throw everything we have together away. I went through so much to make our relationship work over the years, especially in the beginning, some of it way too fucked up to say on here, including addictions. Our relationship has only gotten better and healthier over the years, so this really feels out of nowhere. I honestly always thought we would get married and have a family someday, and my family likes him too, and his family loves me too. I've never met someone who understands me like he does in my entire life of 24 years, and I'm afraid I will never meet someone else who does.

He says we don't have to break up right now, we can just have fun with our time together until we do, we can break up in a month or by the new year. Well why the fuck would I want to do that, how would I be able to enjoy my time with someone who doesn't want me anymore? Do you want to leave me or not? uhg. And he doesn't undertsand why i'm mad and not lovey-dovey with him now? lol

So yeah. Basically my whole life is crumbling beneath my feet. I just can't be happy I guess. Everyone in my life either abandons me or is a selfish prick. I should be used to it but this hurts more than anything i've ever felt before, and this time I have everything to lose.