Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Bright Sunshine with a few High Clouds
Forecast:
Sat 07:05am  
Stables Online:  62 
Chatbox
Foggy Mtn PONs
06:50:06 Fog
Thank you <3 I was on the market for a WW combo appy PON guy about two weeks ago, then realised I had him lol
Santana Rising
06:47:41 San
oh, he is lovely!
ZequineZ
06:46:11 ZEZ - ZZ
Ooo what a cutie
Foggy Mtn PONs
06:44:50 Fog
Cannot wait for this lad to be 3 -HEE Click- <3
ZequineZ
06:15:01 ZEZ - ZZ
He looks like an option, I’ll keep looking and keep him in mind

I had that exact problem the other day too Santana lol
Santana Rising
06:13:17 San
of course now I have the quest to find shards in explore they are all hiding! :(
Cozmic Elite
06:13:03 
I just had a brief look
But -HEE Click- ?
ZequineZ
06:11:50 ZEZ - ZZ
I keep forgetting that X and TB cross to be X
ZequineZ
06:09:58 ZEZ - ZZ
Yeah it’s probably worth a look, I’m not heavily breed focussed just yet
Santana Rising
06:06:46 San
would you consider a TB? maybe there are some smart ones?
ZequineZ
05:57:24 ZEZ - ZZ
-HEE Click-
Might give her a try with high roller at RO he’s the only X I’ve found/have with the strength in Int she’s lacking so far, wish I had his early training tracked properly is all
ZequineZ
05:45:59 ZEZ - ZZ
Worth a shot to bring those old lines back into play
Santana Rising
05:42:31 San
I guess now that I have a new WWW filly, I might invest in some filly embryos to combine her with some of my old EEE straws, at least to bring the lines back and hopefully get at worst some EEE girls to breed to WWW boys.
Nightingales Ridge
05:40:37 Issy
Real nice santana :)
ZequineZ
05:40:21 ZEZ - ZZ
Still a 1/1 too what a good boy for the time, been a while since I’ve seen any horse come out better then the parents too the rf blessed him that’s for sure
Santana Rising
05:37:16 San
-HEE Click- he would definitely be one I would want to have some straws restored! What a nice colour breeder he was and his mom was from a random PES X PES breeding. I was so proud of him and a lot of his ancestors I bred as well.
ZequineZ
05:31:51 ZEZ - ZZ
That would be such a cool feature even just for the memory lane aspect
Santana Rising
05:30:23 San
I wish there were still straws from my top EEP/PEE boys back then. When I went on hiatus someone else took over my stable (back then you could still have someone "babysit" your stable) and all these straws have since been destroyed. If we could somehow revive even 1-2 of them for a high price I so would like to have that feature implemented!.
ZequineZ
05:27:39 ZEZ - ZZ
Have fun Ruby!
ZequineZ
05:27:29 ZEZ - ZZ
I never got an EEE boy but I have straws a well from my top PEE combos I use them for questing now theyre not much good for anything else haha aside from nostalgia, my ancient sires I call them

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Foggy Mtn PONs
06:50:06 Fog
Thank you <3 I was on the market for a WW combo appy PON guy about two weeks ago, then realised I had him lol
Santana Rising
06:47:41 San
oh, he is lovely!
ZequineZ
06:46:11 ZEZ - ZZ
Ooo what a cutie
Foggy Mtn PONs
06:44:50 Fog
Cannot wait for this lad to be 3 -HEE Click- <3
ZequineZ
06:15:01 ZEZ - ZZ
He looks like an option, I’ll keep looking and keep him in mind

I had that exact problem the other day too Santana lol
Santana Rising
06:13:17 San
of course now I have the quest to find shards in explore they are all hiding! :(
Cozmic Elite
06:13:03 
I just had a brief look
But -HEE Click- ?
ZequineZ
06:11:50 ZEZ - ZZ
I keep forgetting that X and TB cross to be X
ZequineZ
06:09:58 ZEZ - ZZ
Yeah it’s probably worth a look, I’m not heavily breed focussed just yet
Santana Rising
06:06:46 San
would you consider a TB? maybe there are some smart ones?
ZequineZ
05:57:24 ZEZ - ZZ
-HEE Click-
Might give her a try with high roller at RO he’s the only X I’ve found/have with the strength in Int she’s lacking so far, wish I had his early training tracked properly is all
ZequineZ
05:45:59 ZEZ - ZZ
Worth a shot to bring those old lines back into play
Santana Rising
05:42:31 San
I guess now that I have a new WWW filly, I might invest in some filly embryos to combine her with some of my old EEE straws, at least to bring the lines back and hopefully get at worst some EEE girls to breed to WWW boys.
Nightingales Ridge
05:40:37 Issy
Real nice santana :)
ZequineZ
05:40:21 ZEZ - ZZ
Still a 1/1 too what a good boy for the time, been a while since I’ve seen any horse come out better then the parents too the rf blessed him that’s for sure
Santana Rising
05:37:16 San
-HEE Click- he would definitely be one I would want to have some straws restored! What a nice colour breeder he was and his mom was from a random PES X PES breeding. I was so proud of him and a lot of his ancestors I bred as well.
ZequineZ
05:31:51 ZEZ - ZZ
That would be such a cool feature even just for the memory lane aspect
Santana Rising
05:30:23 San
I wish there were still straws from my top EEP/PEE boys back then. When I went on hiatus someone else took over my stable (back then you could still have someone "babysit" your stable) and all these straws have since been destroyed. If we could somehow revive even 1-2 of them for a high price I so would like to have that feature implemented!.
ZequineZ
05:27:39 ZEZ - ZZ
Have fun Ruby!
ZequineZ
05:27:29 ZEZ - ZZ
I never got an EEE boy but I have straws a well from my top PEE combos I use them for questing now theyre not much good for anything else haha aside from nostalgia, my ancient sires I call them

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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