Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Fri 05:37pm  
Stables Online:  105 
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KPH Equestrian
05:37:07 Rapcoon | Jester
hm, not buckskin, she doesn't have cream. Looks like bay under the white ^^
Cozmic Elite
05:37:07 
I didn't think twice for a moment since Buckskin AAs like me Lol
But she doesn't have cream.
Ravenwood Farm
05:35:51 
I think brown or bay?
Gemstone Stable
05:33:21 Snow❆Gem
@CE

Oh lovely! She's a buckskin pearl under the white! XD *boops*
Cozmic Elite
05:30:54 
-HEE Click-
Oh lil wild hiding prl
Hummingbird Meadows
05:30:03 Bird
@Dusty, thanks! I wasn't sure since the boots have pink in them and the dress doesn't have pink:
Savannah Stables
05:26:05 Dusty
Hummer
It's cute!
Hobo Queens Farm
05:22:19 Her Majesty
Am I the only Goober who thinks it is possible to play online horse games while cleaning my real life horse tack? How will I get all this saddle soap off my keyboard anyway?
Leafpool
05:18:22 Leaf
Moonas son rated ewe
Sarahs Stables
05:16:58 Saje
Not bad for a couple of captures.
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
Hummingbird Meadows
05:16:37 Bird
Can I get some style advice? Does this outfit look ok?
-Click-
Leafpool
05:15:29 Leaf
It's been months since I logged on so what I miss
Angels angels
05:14:53 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Hello Leaf
Leafpool
05:14:37 Leaf
Hi
Angels angels
04:51:03 [1k+ brindles] Angel
My WWW boy that is on the ABLB was only up 4 his week 4 lol then 2 week 7
ZequineZ
04:37:07 ZEZ - ZZ
He had 2 week 7s but he wasn’t all (or any) up again till week 9

He’s been good producing but I probably am not the best at matching him I’ve gotten only 2 EWW combos from him
Angels angels
04:34:56 [1k+ brindles] Angel
My WWW fillies from last RO were all up and 5 up but the all up didn't have a week 7 and the 5 up was up one week 7
ZequineZ
04:33:36 ZEZ - ZZ
I have a EWW boy who was up all 6 on week 4 I was so impressed
Angels angels
04:30:34 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I had an EWE up 5. And she is TB with visible prl so I am happy with her. And an EWW AA but I sold her. The rest were 3 up except an EWE was 1 up but I wasn't keeping her anyways
pandemoniu_m
04:28:09 pheezy
One of my EWW girls was but thats it over here, my other EWW girl had a horrible Wk4 and got booted 🥲

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KPH Equestrian
05:37:07 Rapcoon | Jester
hm, not buckskin, she doesn't have cream. Looks like bay under the white ^^
Cozmic Elite
05:37:07 
I didn't think twice for a moment since Buckskin AAs like me Lol
But she doesn't have cream.
Ravenwood Farm
05:35:51 
I think brown or bay?
Gemstone Stable
05:33:21 Snow❆Gem
@CE

Oh lovely! She's a buckskin pearl under the white! XD *boops*
Cozmic Elite
05:30:54 
-HEE Click-
Oh lil wild hiding prl
Hummingbird Meadows
05:30:03 Bird
@Dusty, thanks! I wasn't sure since the boots have pink in them and the dress doesn't have pink:
Savannah Stables
05:26:05 Dusty
Hummer
It's cute!
Hobo Queens Farm
05:22:19 Her Majesty
Am I the only Goober who thinks it is possible to play online horse games while cleaning my real life horse tack? How will I get all this saddle soap off my keyboard anyway?
Leafpool
05:18:22 Leaf
Moonas son rated ewe
Sarahs Stables
05:16:58 Saje
Not bad for a couple of captures.
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
Hummingbird Meadows
05:16:37 Bird
Can I get some style advice? Does this outfit look ok?
-Click-
Leafpool
05:15:29 Leaf
It's been months since I logged on so what I miss
Angels angels
05:14:53 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Hello Leaf
Leafpool
05:14:37 Leaf
Hi
Angels angels
04:51:03 [1k+ brindles] Angel
My WWW boy that is on the ABLB was only up 4 his week 4 lol then 2 week 7
ZequineZ
04:37:07 ZEZ - ZZ
He had 2 week 7s but he wasn’t all (or any) up again till week 9

He’s been good producing but I probably am not the best at matching him I’ve gotten only 2 EWW combos from him
Angels angels
04:34:56 [1k+ brindles] Angel
My WWW fillies from last RO were all up and 5 up but the all up didn't have a week 7 and the 5 up was up one week 7
ZequineZ
04:33:36 ZEZ - ZZ
I have a EWW boy who was up all 6 on week 4 I was so impressed
Angels angels
04:30:34 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I had an EWE up 5. And she is TB with visible prl so I am happy with her. And an EWW AA but I sold her. The rest were 3 up except an EWE was 1 up but I wasn't keeping her anyways
pandemoniu_m
04:28:09 pheezy
One of my EWW girls was but thats it over here, my other EWW girl had a horrible Wk4 and got booted 🥲

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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