Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Fri 07:13am  
Stables Online:  74 
Chatbox
Nightingales Ridge
07:05:44 Issy
Yall tempted me using my capture maps hahaha I'm tryna save theeem
Elite Colours
06:57:35 Zen
So close but so far… -HEE Click-
starmutt
06:49:20 marsh 🌈
new avatar :3
Embervale Acres
06:36:29 Solar Phoenix
Where's the capture a grullo with W in cross country quest when you actually randomly do it?? XD
-HEE Click-
Embervale Acres
06:32:04 Solar Phoenix
Oh wow, haven't seen that combo before with the sooty! How gorgeous!
Thunder Song Stable
06:26:05 Hawk
I can’t get over how stunning his color is!
The Roads End
06:25:39 Halla
Hawk
Such a pretty boy
Thunder Song Stable
06:24:34 Hawk
What do you think of this guy?

-HEE Click-
ZequineZ
06:14:39 ZEZ - ZZ
lol it’s great
Rancho Redondo
06:13:47 Trini
just wanna take a sec to appreciate the humor in “I Survived Nigel” being the leaderboard title for that game xD maybe im just sleep deprived rn from an all nighter but. i loled
Embervale Acres
06:12:15 Solar Phoenix
Very cute!
starmutt
06:06:43 marsh 🌈
creatures <3
-Click-
Rubygem
06:03:04 Asha ~ Ruby girl :D
gotta go bye
Rubygem
06:02:10 Asha ~ Ruby girl :D
me saving enough ebs to get a new barn lol im at 64K
Rubygem
06:00:32 Asha ~ Ruby girl :D
lol
Boulder Creek
05:20:47 
I didn't know that horses had a superman stance
-Click-
Nightingales Ridge
05:14:33 Issy
Whaaaat now hulks gone? Aw man
ZequineZ
04:40:40 ZEZ - ZZ
My accountant rejected my advances :(
Nightingales Ridge
04:30:56 Issy
Gemstone I like it...if it based on looks its a faulty microwave that turned him crisp ;)
Nightingales Ridge
04:29:49 Issy
Accountant*

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.



Rules   Hide
You are in: Main Chat
View Sales Chat
Quests
Horse Eden Eventing Game
Chatbox
Nightingales Ridge
07:05:44 Issy
Yall tempted me using my capture maps hahaha I'm tryna save theeem
Elite Colours
06:57:35 Zen
So close but so far… -HEE Click-
starmutt
06:49:20 marsh 🌈
new avatar :3
Embervale Acres
06:36:29 Solar Phoenix
Where's the capture a grullo with W in cross country quest when you actually randomly do it?? XD
-HEE Click-
Embervale Acres
06:32:04 Solar Phoenix
Oh wow, haven't seen that combo before with the sooty! How gorgeous!
Thunder Song Stable
06:26:05 Hawk
I can’t get over how stunning his color is!
The Roads End
06:25:39 Halla
Hawk
Such a pretty boy
Thunder Song Stable
06:24:34 Hawk
What do you think of this guy?

-HEE Click-
ZequineZ
06:14:39 ZEZ - ZZ
lol it’s great
Rancho Redondo
06:13:47 Trini
just wanna take a sec to appreciate the humor in “I Survived Nigel” being the leaderboard title for that game xD maybe im just sleep deprived rn from an all nighter but. i loled
Embervale Acres
06:12:15 Solar Phoenix
Very cute!
starmutt
06:06:43 marsh 🌈
creatures <3
-Click-
Rubygem
06:03:04 Asha ~ Ruby girl :D
gotta go bye
Rubygem
06:02:10 Asha ~ Ruby girl :D
me saving enough ebs to get a new barn lol im at 64K
Rubygem
06:00:32 Asha ~ Ruby girl :D
lol
Boulder Creek
05:20:47 
I didn't know that horses had a superman stance
-Click-
Nightingales Ridge
05:14:33 Issy
Whaaaat now hulks gone? Aw man
ZequineZ
04:40:40 ZEZ - ZZ
My accountant rejected my advances :(
Nightingales Ridge
04:30:56 Issy
Gemstone I like it...if it based on looks its a faulty microwave that turned him crisp ;)
Nightingales Ridge
04:29:49 Issy
Accountant*

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






Refresh


Forums

→ Horse Eden is a fun game! Sign Up Now!

My Subscriptions
My Bookmarks
My Topics
Latest Topics
Following

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
Give Award

Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
Give Award
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Refresh