Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Afternoon Showers, Sleet Possible
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Stables Online:  91 
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Hummingbird Meadows
09:58:10 Bird
This was a different guy too, not the tree guy.
Hummingbird Meadows
09:57:54 Bird
On a different date the guy wanted to know about what it's like being a kid to divorced parents. He was extremely turned off by the fact my parents were divorced. =/
Hummingbird Meadows
09:56:31 Bird
I think it was the fact that he talked about his special interest and himself for the whole hour and a half that bothered me.
Snitches' Stitches
09:55:45 Snitch
Trees in general. He always had to stop whatever we were doing and identify them
Afterglow Radio
09:55:14 Tobi | SA
Yeah the special interest talk isn't bad. Just can be for the wrong person lol

The talking about yourself the whole time tho?? That's crazy. I always worry that I talk too much about myself just in one simple conversation lol
Hummingbird Meadows
09:54:12 Bird
@Snitch, was he fascinated with tree rings too?
Rainbow
09:54:07 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Then again, I'm very likely to talk people's ears off about my special interests, so yannow. No one's perfect lol.
Snitches' Stitches
09:53:51 Snitch
Bird
You literally just described my ex lmao
MakeEm Fancy
09:49:46 Ally 💜
XD
Rainbow
09:49:14 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Bird
Oh lord. That's how to impress a lady (I'm assuming), wow her with tree facts and make sure to emphasize how great you are (sarcasm)
Hummingbird Meadows
09:47:24 Bird
The last online date I went on the guy spent the whole time talking about himself and tree rings. 😬
MakeEm Fancy
09:44:10 Ally 💜
Oh yes much appreciated 🤣 @Rainy
Rainbow
09:42:49 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Ally
Oh lord. Yeah, at least he waved all his red flags right in the beginning lol
MakeEm Fancy
09:42:07 Ally 💜
But at least he aired everything out and I dodged a bullet lmao
MakeEm Fancy
09:41:23 Ally 💜
The last date I went on all he talked about was his toxic ex and the kid they had together like dude we are on a date not a drama show XD @rainy
Sunni
09:41:07 Sunni bunny
Cove, but I need a Pearl PPP for the quest.
I am already $25'000 in now.
I even bought some mares just to complete the quest.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:40:12 Arctic Katz
At least he has pearl, Sunni
Rainbow
09:39:41 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Ally
That's basically what happened to me, too.
Sunni
09:37:29 Sunni bunny
Am gonna cuss,
-HEE Click-
You just need to be a PPP...
MakeEm Fancy
09:37:25 Ally 💜
I went out with a few duds before I met my husband. I promptly gave up after the last date and bam my husband started messaging me

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Hummingbird Meadows
09:58:10 Bird
This was a different guy too, not the tree guy.
Hummingbird Meadows
09:57:54 Bird
On a different date the guy wanted to know about what it's like being a kid to divorced parents. He was extremely turned off by the fact my parents were divorced. =/
Hummingbird Meadows
09:56:31 Bird
I think it was the fact that he talked about his special interest and himself for the whole hour and a half that bothered me.
Snitches' Stitches
09:55:45 Snitch
Trees in general. He always had to stop whatever we were doing and identify them
Afterglow Radio
09:55:14 Tobi | SA
Yeah the special interest talk isn't bad. Just can be for the wrong person lol

The talking about yourself the whole time tho?? That's crazy. I always worry that I talk too much about myself just in one simple conversation lol
Hummingbird Meadows
09:54:12 Bird
@Snitch, was he fascinated with tree rings too?
Rainbow
09:54:07 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Then again, I'm very likely to talk people's ears off about my special interests, so yannow. No one's perfect lol.
Snitches' Stitches
09:53:51 Snitch
Bird
You literally just described my ex lmao
MakeEm Fancy
09:49:46 Ally 💜
XD
Rainbow
09:49:14 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Bird
Oh lord. That's how to impress a lady (I'm assuming), wow her with tree facts and make sure to emphasize how great you are (sarcasm)
Hummingbird Meadows
09:47:24 Bird
The last online date I went on the guy spent the whole time talking about himself and tree rings. 😬
MakeEm Fancy
09:44:10 Ally 💜
Oh yes much appreciated 🤣 @Rainy
Rainbow
09:42:49 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Ally
Oh lord. Yeah, at least he waved all his red flags right in the beginning lol
MakeEm Fancy
09:42:07 Ally 💜
But at least he aired everything out and I dodged a bullet lmao
MakeEm Fancy
09:41:23 Ally 💜
The last date I went on all he talked about was his toxic ex and the kid they had together like dude we are on a date not a drama show XD @rainy
Sunni
09:41:07 Sunni bunny
Cove, but I need a Pearl PPP for the quest.
I am already $25'000 in now.
I even bought some mares just to complete the quest.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:40:12 Arctic Katz
At least he has pearl, Sunni
Rainbow
09:39:41 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Ally
That's basically what happened to me, too.
Sunni
09:37:29 Sunni bunny
Am gonna cuss,
-HEE Click-
You just need to be a PPP...
MakeEm Fancy
09:37:25 Ally 💜
I went out with a few duds before I met my husband. I promptly gave up after the last date and bam my husband started messaging me

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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