Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Clear with Temps dropping into the Teens
Forecast:
Fri 12:05am  
Stables Online:  73 
Chatbox
KPH Equestrian
12:05:09 Rapcoon | Jester
bird
fair enough, but I'd argue the truck and trailer is more versatile than a glorified van lol.
it would be sooo nice to have one though *-*
Hummingbird Meadows
12:03:53 Bird
@Rapcoon, more than a truck, hitch, and trailer?
Savannah Stables
12:03:40 Dusty
hummer
They do, but also US roads are way more forgiving for a truck + trailer than British ones
KPH Equestrian
12:03:23 Rapcoon | Jester
hummer
because they cost a large fortune😭
Transformers Acres
12:03:13 Geek, Eek
Tobi

Yeah. She watches a lotta cartoons, but since she had her son, it's like she's obsessed. I'm not a cartoon gal, but it's all my sister pretty much watches now, so I said fuck it, and made several TTTE/TAF AUs:

Sodor's Golden Age

Sodor's Forgotten Fate: The Tragedy Befallen

The Glorious Engines Rise
Narran Park
12:02:58 Sting
Dunalinos should count as the "Capture a Premium Palomino Leopard" Quest.
Hummingbird Meadows
12:02:33 Bird
On a side note, how come they don't make these types of horse trailers in the US?
-Click-
Savannah Stables
12:02:19 Dusty
I was at the feed store the other day and the guy asked if I needed help getting my stuff into my car and i was like i mean i got it into the cart??
Black Dragon Stable
12:02:14 BDS / Black / Stormy
Slightly paying for it these days, but I always did have health problems and they're trying to catch up now that I'm closer to 40 than 30. lol.
Hummingbird Meadows
12:02:13 Bird
@Lucky, amen to that!
Lucky Ranch
12:01:46 luhckeigh
i think we should take all biolionaires money and just give it to CNAs they really are gods strongest soldiers its very deserved copensation
3S Cast n Characters
12:01:25 Kitty
-HEE Click-
finally bred a black chestnut
Black Dragon Stable
12:01:20 BDS / Black / Stormy
Farm girls for the win. lol. I grew up throwing hay and heaving bags of feed. It's a different life for sure.
Hummingbird Meadows
12:00:48 Bird
My coworkers at clinicals are great about helping lift heavy patients. We are heavily discouraged from lifting anything heavy ourselves. It's very different from the CNA jobs I have had where they got upset when I couldn't lift patients on my own.
Tobiano Lady
11:59:44 Tobi 👻
sorry *Fanta
Boulder Creek
11:59:26 
@BDS - I've had that in stores over the years.
Lifting giant bags of animal feed or whatever heavy object and being nonchalant about it.
The store personnel go on and on about if I need help or a cart
I just respond: Farm Girl
Tobiano Lady
11:59:08 Tobi 👻
Hell yeah Eek!

I've done a similar thing multiple times lol
Tobiano Lady
11:58:33 Tobi 👻
everyone feel free to let Fantasy know I unnecessarily bought two EEE+ PON 2yr olds because of them
Lucky Ranch
11:57:30 luhckeigh
heck yeah hummer
Hummingbird Meadows
11:56:39 Bird
Those poor ex hamburgers. Nobody wanted to eat them so they were left under the food warmer.

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.



Rules   Hide
You are in: Main Chat
View Sales Chat
Quests
Horse Eden Eventing Game
Chatbox
KPH Equestrian
12:05:09 Rapcoon | Jester
bird
fair enough, but I'd argue the truck and trailer is more versatile than a glorified van lol.
it would be sooo nice to have one though *-*
Hummingbird Meadows
12:03:53 Bird
@Rapcoon, more than a truck, hitch, and trailer?
Savannah Stables
12:03:40 Dusty
hummer
They do, but also US roads are way more forgiving for a truck + trailer than British ones
KPH Equestrian
12:03:23 Rapcoon | Jester
hummer
because they cost a large fortune😭
Transformers Acres
12:03:13 Geek, Eek
Tobi

Yeah. She watches a lotta cartoons, but since she had her son, it's like she's obsessed. I'm not a cartoon gal, but it's all my sister pretty much watches now, so I said fuck it, and made several TTTE/TAF AUs:

Sodor's Golden Age

Sodor's Forgotten Fate: The Tragedy Befallen

The Glorious Engines Rise
Narran Park
12:02:58 Sting
Dunalinos should count as the "Capture a Premium Palomino Leopard" Quest.
Hummingbird Meadows
12:02:33 Bird
On a side note, how come they don't make these types of horse trailers in the US?
-Click-
Savannah Stables
12:02:19 Dusty
I was at the feed store the other day and the guy asked if I needed help getting my stuff into my car and i was like i mean i got it into the cart??
Black Dragon Stable
12:02:14 BDS / Black / Stormy
Slightly paying for it these days, but I always did have health problems and they're trying to catch up now that I'm closer to 40 than 30. lol.
Hummingbird Meadows
12:02:13 Bird
@Lucky, amen to that!
Lucky Ranch
12:01:46 luhckeigh
i think we should take all biolionaires money and just give it to CNAs they really are gods strongest soldiers its very deserved copensation
3S Cast n Characters
12:01:25 Kitty
-HEE Click-
finally bred a black chestnut
Black Dragon Stable
12:01:20 BDS / Black / Stormy
Farm girls for the win. lol. I grew up throwing hay and heaving bags of feed. It's a different life for sure.
Hummingbird Meadows
12:00:48 Bird
My coworkers at clinicals are great about helping lift heavy patients. We are heavily discouraged from lifting anything heavy ourselves. It's very different from the CNA jobs I have had where they got upset when I couldn't lift patients on my own.
Tobiano Lady
11:59:44 Tobi 👻
sorry *Fanta
Boulder Creek
11:59:26 
@BDS - I've had that in stores over the years.
Lifting giant bags of animal feed or whatever heavy object and being nonchalant about it.
The store personnel go on and on about if I need help or a cart
I just respond: Farm Girl
Tobiano Lady
11:59:08 Tobi 👻
Hell yeah Eek!

I've done a similar thing multiple times lol
Tobiano Lady
11:58:33 Tobi 👻
everyone feel free to let Fantasy know I unnecessarily bought two EEE+ PON 2yr olds because of them
Lucky Ranch
11:57:30 luhckeigh
heck yeah hummer
Hummingbird Meadows
11:56:39 Bird
Those poor ex hamburgers. Nobody wanted to eat them so they were left under the food warmer.

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






Refresh


Forums

→ Horse Eden is a fun game! Sign Up Now!

My Subscriptions
My Bookmarks
My Topics
Latest Topics
Following

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
Give Award

Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
Give Award
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Refresh