Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Sun 11:14am  
Stables Online:  96 
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Classic Fortune
11:11:27 Clau/Spring
Arctic Katz
I love the names, thank you very much!!!
Glacier Bay Cove
11:10:21 Arctic Katz
And Winter King for the second one
Glacier Bay Cove
11:09:43 Arctic Katz
The first one
Glacier Bay Cove
11:09:26 Arctic Katz
Astral Griffin might be a good name for him, Spring
Classic Fortune
11:08:26 Clau/Spring
or him
-HEE Click-
Classic Fortune
11:07:58 Clau/Spring
I can't think of any name that can fit him
-HEE Click-
Red Horizon Ranch
11:04:56 Red
Anyone down to race? I can do a different level if people don't have lvl 6
Sunni
11:01:52 Sunni bunny
Niallator pretty foal, I love them blue eyes.
Sunni
11:00:49 Sunni bunny
Ivy I am doing pretty good, didn't sleep much but I feel alright.
Got to shoot some pool with some bikers last night.
Mythological
10:59:16 Crowley
Fossil
Nice!
Snitches' Stitches
10:56:38 Snitch
Awww I love blanket appis! adorable Niallator
Niallator Acres
10:54:34 Ivy - Niallator side
oh you're cute

-HEE Click-
Crestwood Eq.
10:48:33 Ivy / poison ivy
how are you?

Crestwood Eq.
10:46:31 Ivy / poison ivy
Sunniiiii
Crestwood Eq.
10:46:24 Ivy / poison ivy
14
Sunni
10:46:17 Sunni bunny
Happy early birthday Ivy.
You'll be 15 if I remember right?
PK Rescue Stable
10:45:40 Fossil-sore
Myth it's been an awesome weekend. Class Reunion & alumni weekend. Today however I am worn the fuck out lol
Crestwood Eq.
10:45:17 Ivy / poison ivy
1 day to my birthdayyyyy
Sunni
10:44:50 Sunni bunny
Sorry poor English drinking not drink.
Sunni
10:44:30 Sunni bunny
I remember drink from the water hose as a kids.
Recommended it again 10/10
XD

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Classic Fortune
11:11:27 Clau/Spring
Arctic Katz
I love the names, thank you very much!!!
Glacier Bay Cove
11:10:21 Arctic Katz
And Winter King for the second one
Glacier Bay Cove
11:09:43 Arctic Katz
The first one
Glacier Bay Cove
11:09:26 Arctic Katz
Astral Griffin might be a good name for him, Spring
Classic Fortune
11:08:26 Clau/Spring
or him
-HEE Click-
Classic Fortune
11:07:58 Clau/Spring
I can't think of any name that can fit him
-HEE Click-
Red Horizon Ranch
11:04:56 Red
Anyone down to race? I can do a different level if people don't have lvl 6
Sunni
11:01:52 Sunni bunny
Niallator pretty foal, I love them blue eyes.
Sunni
11:00:49 Sunni bunny
Ivy I am doing pretty good, didn't sleep much but I feel alright.
Got to shoot some pool with some bikers last night.
Mythological
10:59:16 Crowley
Fossil
Nice!
Snitches' Stitches
10:56:38 Snitch
Awww I love blanket appis! adorable Niallator
Niallator Acres
10:54:34 Ivy - Niallator side
oh you're cute

-HEE Click-
Crestwood Eq.
10:48:33 Ivy / poison ivy
how are you?

Crestwood Eq.
10:46:31 Ivy / poison ivy
Sunniiiii
Crestwood Eq.
10:46:24 Ivy / poison ivy
14
Sunni
10:46:17 Sunni bunny
Happy early birthday Ivy.
You'll be 15 if I remember right?
PK Rescue Stable
10:45:40 Fossil-sore
Myth it's been an awesome weekend. Class Reunion & alumni weekend. Today however I am worn the fuck out lol
Crestwood Eq.
10:45:17 Ivy / poison ivy
1 day to my birthdayyyyy
Sunni
10:44:50 Sunni bunny
Sorry poor English drinking not drink.
Sunni
10:44:30 Sunni bunny
I remember drink from the water hose as a kids.
Recommended it again 10/10
XD

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3840
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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