Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Afternoon Showers, Sleet Possible
Forecast:
Wed 09:02pm  
Stables Online:  104 
Chatbox
Glacier Bay Cove
08:54:18 Arctic Katz
Through completing quests
Glacier Bay Cove
08:53:56 Arctic Katz
Trying to rebuild my Ebs account
Rain Plains
08:46:13 Kelan/Rain
Hey myth, sorry, got distracted by pig racing lol
MakeEm Fancy
08:41:48 Ally 💜
I havent tried them yet
Glacier Bay Cove
08:41:23 Arctic Katz
How do they taste, Ally
Insignia Elites
08:33:54 Em
I thought capture day I would finish the one but nope xD
MakeEm Fancy
08:33:30 Ally 💜
Im the same way 😂
Insignia Elites
08:32:58 Em
The amount of money I have put towards this quest... I would skip it but now Im just mad and can't let it beat me lol
MakeEm Fancy
08:32:42 Ally 💜
I dont have ebs to complete it XD
Insignia Elites
08:32:17 Em
I would have been done that by now xD Ten times over
Cozmic Elite
08:32:04 
Weirdly enough I get a decent amount of Sub-Par combos too
MakeEm Fancy
08:31:52 Ally 💜
This is what I need
Capture 5 triple Suberb horses.
Completed: 0/5
Insignia Elites
08:29:54 Em
I keep getting SSS I noticed
Insignia Elites
08:29:38 Em
I have two quest, capture a PP and then capture 3 PPP. I have 2/3 PPP from capture day...
Cozmic Elite
08:29:23 
Right? Eaiser to capture EE then PP
I've caught more AEE and SEE combos then PPs
Insignia Elites
08:29:19 Em
When I gain them right away xD
MakeEm Fancy
08:28:47 Ally 💜
Are you using maps? @Em
Insignia Elites
08:27:47 Em
Why is it so hard to get a PP captured...
Mythological
08:20:44 Crowley
Hey Rain
MakeEm Fancy
08:20:20 Ally 💜
I found blueberry pie oreos

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.



Rules   Hide
You are in: Main Chat
View Sales Chat
Quests
Horse Eden Eventing Game
Chatbox
Glacier Bay Cove
08:54:18 Arctic Katz
Through completing quests
Glacier Bay Cove
08:53:56 Arctic Katz
Trying to rebuild my Ebs account
Rain Plains
08:46:13 Kelan/Rain
Hey myth, sorry, got distracted by pig racing lol
MakeEm Fancy
08:41:48 Ally 💜
I havent tried them yet
Glacier Bay Cove
08:41:23 Arctic Katz
How do they taste, Ally
Insignia Elites
08:33:54 Em
I thought capture day I would finish the one but nope xD
MakeEm Fancy
08:33:30 Ally 💜
Im the same way 😂
Insignia Elites
08:32:58 Em
The amount of money I have put towards this quest... I would skip it but now Im just mad and can't let it beat me lol
MakeEm Fancy
08:32:42 Ally 💜
I dont have ebs to complete it XD
Insignia Elites
08:32:17 Em
I would have been done that by now xD Ten times over
Cozmic Elite
08:32:04 
Weirdly enough I get a decent amount of Sub-Par combos too
MakeEm Fancy
08:31:52 Ally 💜
This is what I need
Capture 5 triple Suberb horses.
Completed: 0/5
Insignia Elites
08:29:54 Em
I keep getting SSS I noticed
Insignia Elites
08:29:38 Em
I have two quest, capture a PP and then capture 3 PPP. I have 2/3 PPP from capture day...
Cozmic Elite
08:29:23 
Right? Eaiser to capture EE then PP
I've caught more AEE and SEE combos then PPs
Insignia Elites
08:29:19 Em
When I gain them right away xD
MakeEm Fancy
08:28:47 Ally 💜
Are you using maps? @Em
Insignia Elites
08:27:47 Em
Why is it so hard to get a PP captured...
Mythological
08:20:44 Crowley
Hey Rain
MakeEm Fancy
08:20:20 Ally 💜
I found blueberry pie oreos

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






Refresh


Forums

→ Horse Eden is a fun game! Sign Up Now!

My Subscriptions
My Bookmarks
My Topics
Latest Topics
Following

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
Give Award

Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
Give Award
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Refresh