Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
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Glacier Bay Cove
06:05:06 Arctic Katz
Baby, Peggy
Angels angels
06:05:05 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Peg
I am so glad mom and baby are doing well
Annual Ribbon Farms
06:05:00 
Thanks so much for your guys input **
Glacier Bay Cove
06:04:48 Arctic Katz
Wishing there was a way to see how many visitors each of our art shops/art galleries have
Pegasus Lane
06:04:09 Peggy (or) Peg
Baby is nursing now 🥰 I'm so obsessed with her haha
Rose Acres
06:00:44 
Annual Ribbons
From the public might be better if you're starting out. They'll have better ratings and capturing can get a bit expensive if you're trying to catch something decent
Angels angels
06:00:07 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Annual
Buying is always better because you can get horses already rated and already trained. With wild horses you never know what you are going to get and it is usually not good horses
FirstLightFarms
05:59:47 puck
Annual, depends on your goal for your stable
Angels angels
05:59:24 [1k+ brindles] Angel
They were trying to say they were for blocking out sound in vehicles like jeeps where you have the top down or off. And I'm like that is exactly why it is illegal xD
Annual Ribbon Farms
05:58:56 
Would catching fresh lines from the wild be ok? Or is it better to buy horses from the public?
FirstLightFarms
05:58:11 puck
Oh my god that is uh. Extremely stupid.
Angels angels
05:58:09 [1k+ brindles] Angel
So yeah I commented about it being illegal and the person got mad about it
Angels angels
05:57:25 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Puck
I also stay away from drama, but I saw a YouTube short of someone advertising earbuds for driving. If you don't know wearing anything in the ears like earbuds is completely illegal. Some states allow you to wear one but it can only be used for communication not music.
Annual Ribbon Farms
05:56:55 
Angels,

I appreciate it. Thanks for the recommendations! **
Angels angels
05:56:12 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I would say ratings or SD would be best if you want to focus on showing. ISH and SH are the easiet breeds but if you want more difficulty tou could do another breed, but RID and KNN are the hardest :)
Annual Ribbon Farms
05:55:53 
FLF,

Good. I cannot stand scammers. You get em!
Annual Ribbon Farms
05:54:58 
Angels,

Honestly not too sure. Maybe for showing purposes, whatever I have to pay attention to to get some $ flowing in with shows. **
FirstLightFarms
05:54:57 puck
I need to emphasize that I have absolutely nothing to do with this, I just thought her instagram looked fishy so I looked her up and found her on writers beware and now Im like full fucking send
FirstLightFarms
05:54:28 puck
She just made a post about "are you even a writer if..." and I was like "are you even a book coach if you dont scam people out of thousands of dollars? 🥰" and I thought she'd delete the comment but she snapped back asking for proof and I was like "okay here are the receipts" and now we wait
Angels angels
05:53:51 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Annual Ribbon
For ratings, color, SD, or what are you wanting to breed for? :)

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Glacier Bay Cove
06:05:06 Arctic Katz
Baby, Peggy
Angels angels
06:05:05 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Peg
I am so glad mom and baby are doing well
Annual Ribbon Farms
06:05:00 
Thanks so much for your guys input **
Glacier Bay Cove
06:04:48 Arctic Katz
Wishing there was a way to see how many visitors each of our art shops/art galleries have
Pegasus Lane
06:04:09 Peggy (or) Peg
Baby is nursing now 🥰 I'm so obsessed with her haha
Rose Acres
06:00:44 
Annual Ribbons
From the public might be better if you're starting out. They'll have better ratings and capturing can get a bit expensive if you're trying to catch something decent
Angels angels
06:00:07 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Annual
Buying is always better because you can get horses already rated and already trained. With wild horses you never know what you are going to get and it is usually not good horses
FirstLightFarms
05:59:47 puck
Annual, depends on your goal for your stable
Angels angels
05:59:24 [1k+ brindles] Angel
They were trying to say they were for blocking out sound in vehicles like jeeps where you have the top down or off. And I'm like that is exactly why it is illegal xD
Annual Ribbon Farms
05:58:56 
Would catching fresh lines from the wild be ok? Or is it better to buy horses from the public?
FirstLightFarms
05:58:11 puck
Oh my god that is uh. Extremely stupid.
Angels angels
05:58:09 [1k+ brindles] Angel
So yeah I commented about it being illegal and the person got mad about it
Angels angels
05:57:25 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Puck
I also stay away from drama, but I saw a YouTube short of someone advertising earbuds for driving. If you don't know wearing anything in the ears like earbuds is completely illegal. Some states allow you to wear one but it can only be used for communication not music.
Annual Ribbon Farms
05:56:55 
Angels,

I appreciate it. Thanks for the recommendations! **
Angels angels
05:56:12 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I would say ratings or SD would be best if you want to focus on showing. ISH and SH are the easiet breeds but if you want more difficulty tou could do another breed, but RID and KNN are the hardest :)
Annual Ribbon Farms
05:55:53 
FLF,

Good. I cannot stand scammers. You get em!
Annual Ribbon Farms
05:54:58 
Angels,

Honestly not too sure. Maybe for showing purposes, whatever I have to pay attention to to get some $ flowing in with shows. **
FirstLightFarms
05:54:57 puck
I need to emphasize that I have absolutely nothing to do with this, I just thought her instagram looked fishy so I looked her up and found her on writers beware and now Im like full fucking send
FirstLightFarms
05:54:28 puck
She just made a post about "are you even a writer if..." and I was like "are you even a book coach if you dont scam people out of thousands of dollars? 🥰" and I thought she'd delete the comment but she snapped back asking for proof and I was like "okay here are the receipts" and now we wait
Angels angels
05:53:51 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Annual Ribbon
For ratings, color, SD, or what are you wanting to breed for? :)

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3840
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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