Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 193   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Breezy and Pleasant
Forecast:
Sun 01:31pm  
Stables Online:  129 
Chatbox
Santana Rising
01:28:30 San
I've been living in Croatia since 2012 and I do know the language since childhood. Yet, when having to read numbers, my head automatically switches to German still. So 'we're not sure what zwei do vier lunch' definitely sounds a bit awkward 😁😅
Sweet Valley
01:18:50 Anna/Jewel
aahh understood
Santana Rising
01:17:50 San
I think it's more the opposite. Wanna you can still understand even as a foreigner I guess, while numbers for words are really grating to the eye if they are not to be understood as actual numbers.
Eagle Creek
01:13:53 Eagle
<.<
Sweet Valley
01:12:33 Anna/Jewel
Oh. Didn't know using numbers was Chatspeak. I guess "Wanna" is though
Boulder Creek
01:12:25 
You can find out more about it in the Game Guide under Horse Eden World Games
Moonrose Magic
01:08:33 🎀 Diva
Anna please don't use chatspeak
Bermuda Triangle
01:06:30 Lost
I got the “ Win a Horse Eden World Games show” quest
Where is it and what’s the chances of winning ?
Sweet Valley
12:59:39 Anna/Jewel
Well I still wanna try 2 play. We r not sure what 2 do 4 lunch. Planned on burgers, not enough meat so..?
Glacier Bay Cove
12:58:12 Arctic Katz
I usually join the 8pm trivia games
ArcticLights
12:57:13 Ceci / (Call me) AL
Sure, not a problem
Sweet Valley
12:57:05 Anna/Jewel
4 minutes till Trivia. Not sure if able to play tho. Lunch might be ready! :(
Sweet Valley
12:55:04 Anna/Jewel
Not an issue. Ceci posted a bit ago and I figured when ever it ends in chat then post another link so people can find it
Insignia Elites
12:53:53 Em
Sweet thanks!
Sweet Valley
12:53:43 Anna/Jewel
-Click-

trivia link in case u dont have it
ArcticLights
12:53:25 Ceci / (Call me) AL
Trivia starts in 7 minutes
Sweet Valley
12:53:25 Anna/Jewel
1 pm gametime
Insignia Elites
12:52:58 Em
Is trivia happening now?
Alpine Acres
12:51:52 Lily/Alpine
Usually wilds only go up week 4, week 3 if they're very strong
Fantasy Horses
12:51:49 Fantasy | Fanta
Having a trait 2 up on week 4 is never seen!

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Santana Rising
01:28:30 San
I've been living in Croatia since 2012 and I do know the language since childhood. Yet, when having to read numbers, my head automatically switches to German still. So 'we're not sure what zwei do vier lunch' definitely sounds a bit awkward 😁😅
Sweet Valley
01:18:50 Anna/Jewel
aahh understood
Santana Rising
01:17:50 San
I think it's more the opposite. Wanna you can still understand even as a foreigner I guess, while numbers for words are really grating to the eye if they are not to be understood as actual numbers.
Eagle Creek
01:13:53 Eagle
<.<
Sweet Valley
01:12:33 Anna/Jewel
Oh. Didn't know using numbers was Chatspeak. I guess "Wanna" is though
Boulder Creek
01:12:25 
You can find out more about it in the Game Guide under Horse Eden World Games
Moonrose Magic
01:08:33 🎀 Diva
Anna please don't use chatspeak
Bermuda Triangle
01:06:30 Lost
I got the “ Win a Horse Eden World Games show” quest
Where is it and what’s the chances of winning ?
Sweet Valley
12:59:39 Anna/Jewel
Well I still wanna try 2 play. We r not sure what 2 do 4 lunch. Planned on burgers, not enough meat so..?
Glacier Bay Cove
12:58:12 Arctic Katz
I usually join the 8pm trivia games
ArcticLights
12:57:13 Ceci / (Call me) AL
Sure, not a problem
Sweet Valley
12:57:05 Anna/Jewel
4 minutes till Trivia. Not sure if able to play tho. Lunch might be ready! :(
Sweet Valley
12:55:04 Anna/Jewel
Not an issue. Ceci posted a bit ago and I figured when ever it ends in chat then post another link so people can find it
Insignia Elites
12:53:53 Em
Sweet thanks!
Sweet Valley
12:53:43 Anna/Jewel
-Click-

trivia link in case u dont have it
ArcticLights
12:53:25 Ceci / (Call me) AL
Trivia starts in 7 minutes
Sweet Valley
12:53:25 Anna/Jewel
1 pm gametime
Insignia Elites
12:52:58 Em
Is trivia happening now?
Alpine Acres
12:51:52 Lily/Alpine
Usually wilds only go up week 4, week 3 if they're very strong
Fantasy Horses
12:51:49 Fantasy | Fanta
Having a trait 2 up on week 4 is never seen!

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7399
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3858
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7399
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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