Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 193   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Breezy and Pleasant
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Stables Online:  94 
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Dreamcatcher Farms
09:21:38 
You're pretty
-HEE Click-
Sunni
09:14:40 Sunni bunny
Just the regular kind of pepperoni,
Glacier Bay Cove
09:11:21 Arctic Katz
What kind of pepperoni
Sunni
09:09:49 Sunni bunny
I order a pineapple pizza, I got pepperoni.
Blue Sky Equestrian
08:53:12 Aris/Quinn
i agree, she is pretty
Acacia Riding Center
08:51:34 
winteria- I think she is beautiful the way she is imo
Acacia Riding Center
08:51:01 
Quinn, I always name my horses after songs/bands/lyrics I like. That makes things much easier!
Lynx, too late lol. I learned the hard way!
winteria
08:50:26 
-HEE Click-
I've been resisting rerolling her just in case she turns ugly >.>
Blue Sky Equestrian
08:49:35 Aris/Quinn
anyone wanna help me name horses because im really indecisive? :D
Lynx Glory
08:45:47 ⛈ whisper/lynx
acacia
I wouldn't, not sure what more you can get out of Gold champagne. most of the time i would reroll if the horse has a bit more colour and patterns
Blue Sky Equestrian
08:43:26 Aris/Quinn
i would
Acacia Riding Center
08:42:54 
should I reroll? -HEE Click-
Lynx Glory
08:42:06 ⛈ whisper/lynx
its not a meme but it sounds funny xD
Lynx Glory
08:41:46 ⛈ whisper/lynx
- where did my potatoes go
Dreamcatcher Farms
08:41:37 
- I kinda look like beyonce?
- my cabbages
-Peanut butter jellytime
Lynx Glory
08:39:28 ⛈ whisper/lynx
dreamcatcher xD
Sunfeather Stables
08:39:21 SF
-Its An Avocado Wey
-Hurricane Tortilla
-Is That A Weed
-And They Were Roommates
- It's Wednesday, My Dude
- 5 Feet Apart
- Burger King Foot Lettuce

From vines off the top of my head :P
Lynx Glory
08:39:15 ⛈ whisper/lynx
elysium
i love that
Dreamcatcher Farms
08:39:01 
i took them sorry
Elysium Opalus
08:38:52 anti gen ai
Why is Bro Tweaking became an OC and has his own art now lol

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Dreamcatcher Farms
09:21:38 
You're pretty
-HEE Click-
Sunni
09:14:40 Sunni bunny
Just the regular kind of pepperoni,
Glacier Bay Cove
09:11:21 Arctic Katz
What kind of pepperoni
Sunni
09:09:49 Sunni bunny
I order a pineapple pizza, I got pepperoni.
Blue Sky Equestrian
08:53:12 Aris/Quinn
i agree, she is pretty
Acacia Riding Center
08:51:34 
winteria- I think she is beautiful the way she is imo
Acacia Riding Center
08:51:01 
Quinn, I always name my horses after songs/bands/lyrics I like. That makes things much easier!
Lynx, too late lol. I learned the hard way!
winteria
08:50:26 
-HEE Click-
I've been resisting rerolling her just in case she turns ugly >.>
Blue Sky Equestrian
08:49:35 Aris/Quinn
anyone wanna help me name horses because im really indecisive? :D
Lynx Glory
08:45:47 ⛈ whisper/lynx
acacia
I wouldn't, not sure what more you can get out of Gold champagne. most of the time i would reroll if the horse has a bit more colour and patterns
Blue Sky Equestrian
08:43:26 Aris/Quinn
i would
Acacia Riding Center
08:42:54 
should I reroll? -HEE Click-
Lynx Glory
08:42:06 ⛈ whisper/lynx
its not a meme but it sounds funny xD
Lynx Glory
08:41:46 ⛈ whisper/lynx
- where did my potatoes go
Dreamcatcher Farms
08:41:37 
- I kinda look like beyonce?
- my cabbages
-Peanut butter jellytime
Lynx Glory
08:39:28 ⛈ whisper/lynx
dreamcatcher xD
Sunfeather Stables
08:39:21 SF
-Its An Avocado Wey
-Hurricane Tortilla
-Is That A Weed
-And They Were Roommates
- It's Wednesday, My Dude
- 5 Feet Apart
- Burger King Foot Lettuce

From vines off the top of my head :P
Lynx Glory
08:39:15 ⛈ whisper/lynx
elysium
i love that
Dreamcatcher Farms
08:39:01 
i took them sorry
Elysium Opalus
08:38:52 anti gen ai
Why is Bro Tweaking became an OC and has his own art now lol

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7401
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3859
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7401
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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