Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Morning Drizzle, but Clearing later
Forecast:
Sat 09:15pm  
Stables Online:  105 
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starmutt
09:15:12 marsh 🌈
pupper :D
Port Royal Equines
09:14:34 Elfie
-HEE Click-
Cleo got arts.
Insignia Elites
09:12:55 Em

EWE and world class bravery <3 how lucky!
-HEE Click-
Blue Diamond
09:12:20 Bluey
Looking for someone to help match a couple of my mares! PM me!
Blue Diamond
09:11:44 Bluey
Congrats, Peep!
Sunni
09:11:41 Sunni bunny
Anyone ever watch when the wind blows?
Pony Loving Pons
09:10:57 Peep/sam
And I got cheesecake, I vote it as better xD
Pony Loving Pons
09:10:08 Peep/sam
Thanks!
Glacier Bay Cove
09:09:03 Arctic Katz
Congratulations, Sam
Pony Loving Pons
09:07:21 Peep/sam
I got a boyfriend 😁
MakeEm Fancy
09:04:51 Ally 💜
Come match mine XD @Angels
Angels angels
08:56:34 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Oh geez week 4s are monday
Angels angels
08:55:57 [1k+ brindles] Angel
All my mares are matched. I just need to start buying items and straws lol
Except one mare is still week 3
Two Trees Stables
08:55:14 Willow ~ TB Breeder
Okay, Angels :) Just marked them
Ellsworths Eden
08:54:19 
I just smile and nod at the matches my roommate made for my ponies lol
Angels angels
08:53:06 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Willow
If it were my match I would use a Scp glass but you could also yolo it with no items lol
Two Trees Stables
08:52:04 Willow ~ TB Breeder
-HEE Click-
I feel like they don't need a glass, just making sure
Boulder Creek
08:49:50 
I'm really happy with how this came out
-HEE Click-
Angels angels
08:46:02 [1k+ brindles] Angel
One thing I hate about feeding crickets to my geckos, even though they love them, those times one male cricket gets past me and the geckos and chirps for days
Ellsworths Eden
08:44:56 
I have a horse i bought that is 100% trained in bravery but his bravery isn't known. I'll never know what his bravery is lol

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starmutt
09:15:12 marsh 🌈
pupper :D
Port Royal Equines
09:14:34 Elfie
-HEE Click-
Cleo got arts.
Insignia Elites
09:12:55 Em

EWE and world class bravery <3 how lucky!
-HEE Click-
Blue Diamond
09:12:20 Bluey
Looking for someone to help match a couple of my mares! PM me!
Blue Diamond
09:11:44 Bluey
Congrats, Peep!
Sunni
09:11:41 Sunni bunny
Anyone ever watch when the wind blows?
Pony Loving Pons
09:10:57 Peep/sam
And I got cheesecake, I vote it as better xD
Pony Loving Pons
09:10:08 Peep/sam
Thanks!
Glacier Bay Cove
09:09:03 Arctic Katz
Congratulations, Sam
Pony Loving Pons
09:07:21 Peep/sam
I got a boyfriend 😁
MakeEm Fancy
09:04:51 Ally 💜
Come match mine XD @Angels
Angels angels
08:56:34 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Oh geez week 4s are monday
Angels angels
08:55:57 [1k+ brindles] Angel
All my mares are matched. I just need to start buying items and straws lol
Except one mare is still week 3
Two Trees Stables
08:55:14 Willow ~ TB Breeder
Okay, Angels :) Just marked them
Ellsworths Eden
08:54:19 
I just smile and nod at the matches my roommate made for my ponies lol
Angels angels
08:53:06 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Willow
If it were my match I would use a Scp glass but you could also yolo it with no items lol
Two Trees Stables
08:52:04 Willow ~ TB Breeder
-HEE Click-
I feel like they don't need a glass, just making sure
Boulder Creek
08:49:50 
I'm really happy with how this came out
-HEE Click-
Angels angels
08:46:02 [1k+ brindles] Angel
One thing I hate about feeding crickets to my geckos, even though they love them, those times one male cricket gets past me and the geckos and chirps for days
Ellsworths Eden
08:44:56 
I have a horse i bought that is 100% trained in bravery but his bravery isn't known. I'll never know what his bravery is lol

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3838
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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