Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Daytime Flurries, Clearing Overnight
Forecast:
Mon 10:20pm  
Stables Online:  96 
Chatbox
Foggy Mtn PONs
10:18:23 Fog
Some people are so rude, it's insane how people lack respect and kindness (in life, not speaking about another player)
MakeEm Fancy
10:11:10 Ally 💜
Sven bought ^.^ I just need to save some ebs now :D
Alpine Acres
10:06:35 Lily
:D
MakeEm Fancy
10:06:11 Ally 💜
I did :D
Alpine Acres
10:05:51 Lily
Ally
Did you get your detergent?
MakeEm Fancy
10:04:29 Ally 💜
Ohh pretty
-HEE Click-
Alpine Acres
10:04:21 Lily
Arctic
Wow that's good luck!
Glacier Bay Cove
10:02:06 Arctic Katz
Huh, Sting
Narran Park
10:01:23 Sting
i love me some good work stuff-ups. haha.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:53:45 Arctic Katz
I found a stained glass horse this morning
Glacier Bay Cove
09:53:07 Arctic Katz
Can't wait to see what I find in the hidden falls next
MakeEm Fancy
09:52:12 Ally 💜
Made me so mad @sting
Snitches' Stitches
09:50:20 Snitch
Sting
Lmao that's great.

There was a month when the directors of my grad program were emailing the wrong Cass instead of me and wondering why I didn't know things lol
Narran Park
09:48:49 Sting
Ally, that was SOO close!
Narran Park
09:48:23 Sting
I often get "Amanda" or "Emma"...but Never Darren.

I needed that laugh!
Glacier Bay Cove
09:48:00 Arctic Katz
Return to sender
Tobiano Lady
09:47:40 Tobi 👻
You've been assigned Darren I guess lol
Narran Park
09:47:00 Sting
Someone just sent me a work email.
They addressed me as Darren.

Ive been called many things....But never Darren :D

My Name is Amber, i am a lady haha
MakeEm Fancy
09:46:33 Ally 💜
Yeah but I needed her to be seal brown XD
Foal Me Once Farms
09:46:31 Roan🦋⃤
-HEE Click-

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Foggy Mtn PONs
10:18:23 Fog
Some people are so rude, it's insane how people lack respect and kindness (in life, not speaking about another player)
MakeEm Fancy
10:11:10 Ally 💜
Sven bought ^.^ I just need to save some ebs now :D
Alpine Acres
10:06:35 Lily
:D
MakeEm Fancy
10:06:11 Ally 💜
I did :D
Alpine Acres
10:05:51 Lily
Ally
Did you get your detergent?
MakeEm Fancy
10:04:29 Ally 💜
Ohh pretty
-HEE Click-
Alpine Acres
10:04:21 Lily
Arctic
Wow that's good luck!
Glacier Bay Cove
10:02:06 Arctic Katz
Huh, Sting
Narran Park
10:01:23 Sting
i love me some good work stuff-ups. haha.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:53:45 Arctic Katz
I found a stained glass horse this morning
Glacier Bay Cove
09:53:07 Arctic Katz
Can't wait to see what I find in the hidden falls next
MakeEm Fancy
09:52:12 Ally 💜
Made me so mad @sting
Snitches' Stitches
09:50:20 Snitch
Sting
Lmao that's great.

There was a month when the directors of my grad program were emailing the wrong Cass instead of me and wondering why I didn't know things lol
Narran Park
09:48:49 Sting
Ally, that was SOO close!
Narran Park
09:48:23 Sting
I often get "Amanda" or "Emma"...but Never Darren.

I needed that laugh!
Glacier Bay Cove
09:48:00 Arctic Katz
Return to sender
Tobiano Lady
09:47:40 Tobi 👻
You've been assigned Darren I guess lol
Narran Park
09:47:00 Sting
Someone just sent me a work email.
They addressed me as Darren.

Ive been called many things....But never Darren :D

My Name is Amber, i am a lady haha
MakeEm Fancy
09:46:33 Ally 💜
Yeah but I needed her to be seal brown XD
Foal Me Once Farms
09:46:31 Roan🦋⃤
-HEE Click-

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3843
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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