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Four Peaks Ranch
10:02:11 Four
Cheap rated WBs in my Mare barn! Single E's and more, all under 800ebs
DaisyMeadowEventing
09:44:43 Daisy/ DM♡
Looking for a one or three month upgrade!
Nightingales Ridge
09:12:03 Issy
Yay thank you
Alpine Acres
09:10:54 Lily
Issy
one up in my shop :)
Nightingales Ridge
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Anyone have detergent I can buy?
Glacier Bay Cove
09:07:54 Arctic Katz
Selling the Sherpa map, so I can breed approve some more of my horses. I don't know if anyone wants/needs a Sherpa map
Chase's Place
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Horses for breeding
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Shop - new things added constantly
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ISO
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Peacock Estate
08:57:24 Lily
Restocked shop with low store prices, including a yellow stained glass horse (strength) for 80k
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Horse Haven Stables
08:49:02 HHS⎹ Lyla
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EEE-WWW Mares auction! Includes:
-Wild PEE-E SH Mare
-EEW/EWE/WEE SH and ISH Mares
-EWW SH Mare
-WWW ISH Mare
Come check 'em out! Need them gone :)
Barbury Estates
08:27:08 Amelia
ISO an upgrade!!! I have ebs ready to go!

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Four Peaks Ranch
10:02:11 Four
Cheap rated WBs in my Mare barn! Single E's and more, all under 800ebs
DaisyMeadowEventing
09:44:43 Daisy/ DM♡
Looking for a one or three month upgrade!
Nightingales Ridge
09:12:03 Issy
Yay thank you
Alpine Acres
09:10:54 Lily
Issy
one up in my shop :)
Nightingales Ridge
09:09:09 Issy
Anyone have detergent I can buy?
Glacier Bay Cove
09:07:54 Arctic Katz
Selling the Sherpa map, so I can breed approve some more of my horses. I don't know if anyone wants/needs a Sherpa map
Chase's Place
09:01:32 :)Chase
Horses for breeding
-HEE Click-

Shop - new things added constantly
-HEE Click-

ISO
-HEE Click-
Peacock Estate
08:57:24 Lily
Restocked shop with low store prices, including a yellow stained glass horse (strength) for 80k
-HEE Click-
Horse Haven Stables
08:49:02 HHS⎹ Lyla
-HEE Click-
EEE-WWW Mares auction! Includes:
-Wild PEE-E SH Mare
-EEW/EWE/WEE SH and ISH Mares
-EWW SH Mare
-WWW ISH Mare
Come check 'em out! Need them gone :)
Barbury Estates
08:27:08 Amelia
ISO an upgrade!!! I have ebs ready to go!

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
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FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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