Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Sun 03:59am  
Stables Online:  34 
Chatbox
Lunalovegood
03:32:52 Loony/Loony Tune
Umm Okay, Just trying to complete a sabino quest…
-HEE Click-
Lunalovegood
03:28:20 Loony/Loony Tune
Busy Bee
Cute :)

Earth to chat……
Foggy Mtn PONs
02:24:52 Fog
I like it too, maybe I will keep that :)
Cozmic Elite
02:17:52 
Oh im a sucker for that snowflake pattern
Foggy Mtn PONs
02:16:56 Fog
CE
What about this? I am so indecisive lol -HEE Click-
Boulder Creek
02:15:16 
The local fish & game and the wildlife conservation center are doing a Bat Netting next week.
I've wanted to go for the past few years when they host annually.

but I don't want to go alone - and not sure I can rustle up anyone else.

and it's an hour drive
Cozmic Elite
02:04:20 
Hmm I like it. I mean you could gamble and reroll. Depends how many rerolls you got.
Foggy Mtn PONs
01:55:00 Fog
I’m currently re-rolling, should I keep this? -HEE Click- :)
Cozmic Elite
01:29:43 
I found them at Walmart :)
Whispering Wood Barn
01:18:12 ~Whispy~
Cozmic,

O.O where can I find?
Cozmic Elite
01:00:15 
There's butterbeer gold fish crackers, they taste like a mix of maple and caramel. Pure sugar basically but really good.
Blue Diamond
12:35:20 Bluey
gn!
Blue Diamond
12:22:20 Bluey
uh oh
RFS Thoroughbreds
12:19:22 Fern/fref/ferf/nerf
Bd - have fun with that lol this boutta go crazy and poor dudes going to be so confused at the end lol
Blue Diamond
12:13:59 Bluey
Yas
Fantasy Horses
12:12:11 Fantasy | Fanta
That's your new nickname, bluey
Fantasy Horses
12:12:02 Fantasy | Fanta
Bluey cheese
Blue Diamond
12:11:50 Bluey
Absolutely gorgeous, Blaze!!
Fantasy Horses
12:11:49 Fantasy | Fanta
Blaze
Um, stunning?! Love it!

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Lunalovegood
03:32:52 Loony/Loony Tune
Umm Okay, Just trying to complete a sabino quest…
-HEE Click-
Lunalovegood
03:28:20 Loony/Loony Tune
Busy Bee
Cute :)

Earth to chat……
Foggy Mtn PONs
02:24:52 Fog
I like it too, maybe I will keep that :)
Cozmic Elite
02:17:52 
Oh im a sucker for that snowflake pattern
Foggy Mtn PONs
02:16:56 Fog
CE
What about this? I am so indecisive lol -HEE Click-
Boulder Creek
02:15:16 
The local fish & game and the wildlife conservation center are doing a Bat Netting next week.
I've wanted to go for the past few years when they host annually.

but I don't want to go alone - and not sure I can rustle up anyone else.

and it's an hour drive
Cozmic Elite
02:04:20 
Hmm I like it. I mean you could gamble and reroll. Depends how many rerolls you got.
Foggy Mtn PONs
01:55:00 Fog
I’m currently re-rolling, should I keep this? -HEE Click- :)
Cozmic Elite
01:29:43 
I found them at Walmart :)
Whispering Wood Barn
01:18:12 ~Whispy~
Cozmic,

O.O where can I find?
Cozmic Elite
01:00:15 
There's butterbeer gold fish crackers, they taste like a mix of maple and caramel. Pure sugar basically but really good.
Blue Diamond
12:35:20 Bluey
gn!
Blue Diamond
12:22:20 Bluey
uh oh
RFS Thoroughbreds
12:19:22 Fern/fref/ferf/nerf
Bd - have fun with that lol this boutta go crazy and poor dudes going to be so confused at the end lol
Blue Diamond
12:13:59 Bluey
Yas
Fantasy Horses
12:12:11 Fantasy | Fanta
That's your new nickname, bluey
Fantasy Horses
12:12:02 Fantasy | Fanta
Bluey cheese
Blue Diamond
12:11:50 Bluey
Absolutely gorgeous, Blaze!!
Fantasy Horses
12:11:49 Fantasy | Fanta
Blaze
Um, stunning?! Love it!

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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