Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Fri 09:12pm  
Stables Online:  111 
Chatbox
MakeEm Fancy
09:11:04 Ally 💜
Im fixing to lay down. I finally got the kids to sleep
Angels angels
09:10:32 [1k+ brindles] Angel
You guys are making me hungry lol but I just laid down and I don't want to get up
Angels angels
09:09:54 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Trigger
Oh he has a pretty face!
MakeEm Fancy
09:09:42 Ally 💜
I had a kitkat while I wait.
Angels angels
09:09:29 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Green
I hated when my big girl would only eat live. Not only are large rats dangerous, thwy can do damage if they bite her, but also if she didn't eat it I was stuck with this rat.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:09:09 Arctic Katz
I had salmon patties for supper
Wraithcry Farm
09:08:35 Trigger 🐾
-Click-

I went and saw him. He was terrified of my skirt but got over it quickly
Angels angels
09:08:27 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Same Glacier..

We had Texas Roadhouse for dinner lol
Insignia Elites
09:08:22 Em
I had steak and shake once when I was in the states for my brothers travel baseball tournament xD It was really good!
Greenheart Stables
09:08:22 Green|Gren|Grenlin
@Angel
Uugh we had to wean him off of live when he started getting into the stages of rat that fights back. He was an ass during the transfer but hes my second best eater lol
MakeEm Fancy
09:08:11 Ally 💜
They do! My husband works there so its nice to go occasionally
Glacier Bay Cove
09:07:40 Arctic Katz
Now I am craving ice cream
MakeEm Fancy
09:07:36 Ally 💜
I havent had steak and shake before so maybe lol
Insignia Elites
09:07:21 Em
Ooo Nice! That sounds so good! I am craving a good milkshake!
Glacier Bay Cove
09:07:00 Arctic Katz
Looks like they have some good food items
Angels angels
09:06:51 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Oh like steak and shake lol
MakeEm Fancy
09:06:17 Ally 💜
They have hamburgers and shakes basically lol also chicken.
Insignia Elites
09:05:03 Em
Never heard of it!
Angels angels
09:05:02 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Never heard of it
MakeEm Fancy
09:04:23 Ally 💜
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MakeEm Fancy
09:11:04 Ally 💜
Im fixing to lay down. I finally got the kids to sleep
Angels angels
09:10:32 [1k+ brindles] Angel
You guys are making me hungry lol but I just laid down and I don't want to get up
Angels angels
09:09:54 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Trigger
Oh he has a pretty face!
MakeEm Fancy
09:09:42 Ally 💜
I had a kitkat while I wait.
Angels angels
09:09:29 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Green
I hated when my big girl would only eat live. Not only are large rats dangerous, thwy can do damage if they bite her, but also if she didn't eat it I was stuck with this rat.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:09:09 Arctic Katz
I had salmon patties for supper
Wraithcry Farm
09:08:35 Trigger 🐾
-Click-

I went and saw him. He was terrified of my skirt but got over it quickly
Angels angels
09:08:27 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Same Glacier..

We had Texas Roadhouse for dinner lol
Insignia Elites
09:08:22 Em
I had steak and shake once when I was in the states for my brothers travel baseball tournament xD It was really good!
Greenheart Stables
09:08:22 Green|Gren|Grenlin
@Angel
Uugh we had to wean him off of live when he started getting into the stages of rat that fights back. He was an ass during the transfer but hes my second best eater lol
MakeEm Fancy
09:08:11 Ally 💜
They do! My husband works there so its nice to go occasionally
Glacier Bay Cove
09:07:40 Arctic Katz
Now I am craving ice cream
MakeEm Fancy
09:07:36 Ally 💜
I havent had steak and shake before so maybe lol
Insignia Elites
09:07:21 Em
Ooo Nice! That sounds so good! I am craving a good milkshake!
Glacier Bay Cove
09:07:00 Arctic Katz
Looks like they have some good food items
Angels angels
09:06:51 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Oh like steak and shake lol
MakeEm Fancy
09:06:17 Ally 💜
They have hamburgers and shakes basically lol also chicken.
Insignia Elites
09:05:03 Em
Never heard of it!
Angels angels
09:05:02 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Never heard of it
MakeEm Fancy
09:04:23 Ally 💜
Braums

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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