Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Fri 08:54am  
Stables Online:  94 
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starmutt
08:53:28 marsh 🌈
Thinking about the pictures my partner took of his aunt's horses and the absolutely absurd angles he chose. -Click-
Sunni
08:52:43 Sunni bunny
Cove that's kind of how kitty is.
She likes her space but she's is extremely cuddly to.
She will scream if I move her.
Glacier Bay Cove
08:52:15 Arctic Katz
No problem, I got you, Sunni
Glacier Bay Cove
08:51:10 Arctic Katz
My first two cats loved cuddling with me. Cats three and four go meh, we will cuddle with you, on our terms
Sunni
08:49:59 Sunni bunny
On me not in me "face slaps" why me no English right.
Sunni
08:49:33 Sunni bunny
She sleeps right in my arms and lays her body or head in me.
Then aggressive licks the skin off my face haha.
Sunni
08:48:52 Sunni bunny
Cove awww~ my old grey kitty is laying in my arms.
She waiting patiently for me to open my arm so she could cuddle.
Gem Queens Estate
08:48:27 Snow❆Gem
@sunni

Thank you very much! :D
Glacier Bay Cove
08:48:08 Arctic Katz
Now I have the foals to rate, all of my wild captures are done
Glacier Bay Cove
08:47:06 Arctic Katz
Lily sitting on the porch swing
-Click-
Sunni
08:46:56 Sunni bunny
See you gem, wish you luck on the job hunt.
Gem Queens Estate
08:46:00 Snow❆Gem
@sunni

Ah, OK. We don't have any of those by here. And I hop i can just work at fast food for a few months then go to somewhere better. >.<

I gotta go now. See-yas!
Irish Fields
08:45:09 Fawn
Totally forgot her dam is Prlprl.
-HEE Click-
Sunni
08:44:34 Sunni bunny
Cove that's awesome, if I remember right you had to rate a lot of wild captures.
Sunni
08:44:14 Sunni bunny
Gem I used to work in fast food and hated it.
I worked for cicis for about 2016-2021.
I didn't mind it since I was mostly cooking and could play music via my JBL.
Glacier Bay Cove
08:42:35 Arctic Katz
And the ratings are going well, Sunni
Gem Queens Estate
08:42:23 Snow❆Gem
@sunni

XD I'm still waiting to get a part time job. I'm really thinking I have to get a job at a fast food. >.< Like McDs or something. Ack!
Glacier Bay Cove
08:42:10 Arctic Katz
I have one day left
Sunni
08:41:00 Sunni bunny
Cove, got you.
I all ways end up buying 3 months.
Mostly because I find to cheaper in the long run.
How's the ratings been going?
Irish Fields
08:40:54 Fawn
Glacier, you can go to your account page to see how many days you have left

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.



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starmutt
08:53:28 marsh 🌈
Thinking about the pictures my partner took of his aunt's horses and the absolutely absurd angles he chose. -Click-
Sunni
08:52:43 Sunni bunny
Cove that's kind of how kitty is.
She likes her space but she's is extremely cuddly to.
She will scream if I move her.
Glacier Bay Cove
08:52:15 Arctic Katz
No problem, I got you, Sunni
Glacier Bay Cove
08:51:10 Arctic Katz
My first two cats loved cuddling with me. Cats three and four go meh, we will cuddle with you, on our terms
Sunni
08:49:59 Sunni bunny
On me not in me "face slaps" why me no English right.
Sunni
08:49:33 Sunni bunny
She sleeps right in my arms and lays her body or head in me.
Then aggressive licks the skin off my face haha.
Sunni
08:48:52 Sunni bunny
Cove awww~ my old grey kitty is laying in my arms.
She waiting patiently for me to open my arm so she could cuddle.
Gem Queens Estate
08:48:27 Snow❆Gem
@sunni

Thank you very much! :D
Glacier Bay Cove
08:48:08 Arctic Katz
Now I have the foals to rate, all of my wild captures are done
Glacier Bay Cove
08:47:06 Arctic Katz
Lily sitting on the porch swing
-Click-
Sunni
08:46:56 Sunni bunny
See you gem, wish you luck on the job hunt.
Gem Queens Estate
08:46:00 Snow❆Gem
@sunni

Ah, OK. We don't have any of those by here. And I hop i can just work at fast food for a few months then go to somewhere better. >.<

I gotta go now. See-yas!
Irish Fields
08:45:09 Fawn
Totally forgot her dam is Prlprl.
-HEE Click-
Sunni
08:44:34 Sunni bunny
Cove that's awesome, if I remember right you had to rate a lot of wild captures.
Sunni
08:44:14 Sunni bunny
Gem I used to work in fast food and hated it.
I worked for cicis for about 2016-2021.
I didn't mind it since I was mostly cooking and could play music via my JBL.
Glacier Bay Cove
08:42:35 Arctic Katz
And the ratings are going well, Sunni
Gem Queens Estate
08:42:23 Snow❆Gem
@sunni

XD I'm still waiting to get a part time job. I'm really thinking I have to get a job at a fast food. >.< Like McDs or something. Ack!
Glacier Bay Cove
08:42:10 Arctic Katz
I have one day left
Sunni
08:41:00 Sunni bunny
Cove, got you.
I all ways end up buying 3 months.
Mostly because I find to cheaper in the long run.
How's the ratings been going?
Irish Fields
08:40:54 Fawn
Glacier, you can go to your account page to see how many days you have left

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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