Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
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Alaskan Anchor
08:35:49 
-HEE Click-
Need this barn empty will lower prices
Dreamtime Farm
08:10:19 Dreamtime
Auction on now. AA SH PON. Includes brindle, army geldings, and breeding stock. All rated, some W's, some EE's, and some rare colors. Ends Saturday.
Sleepwalker Centre
08:08:04 Walker
One EEE TB mare and two PEE combo ISH mares in my sale barn! Priced at 3000-4000 but open to offers so be not afraid! -HEE Click-
Two Trees Stables
08:04:07 Willow ~ TB Breeder
-HEE Click-
EEE+ WB mares
God is Mighty Stable
08:02:06 Willow ~ KNN Breeder
-HEE Click-
EEP combos
EEE
WEE combos
FirstLightFarms
07:57:54 puck
-HEE Click-

WEE TB mare auction. Dun, silver, tobi, and splash!

-HEE Click-

EWW RID Mare for auction! SB 1k.
Paradise Stables
07:38:24 Ariel / Tara
1. Selling upgrades/rerolls. DM me.
1 month - 100k
3 month/20 rerolls - 200k
6 month/50 rerolls - 450k

2. Broods for 193:
-HEE Click-

3. #1 PONLB up for stud:
-HEE Click-

Straw thread for 193:
-HEE Click-

4. Check out my sales barn:
-HEE Click-
Escott Estate
07:28:56 ~Del~
-HEE Click-

WWW producing WWW SH stallion up for stud

3K
MakeEm Fancy
07:09:31 Ally 💜
EPE wild KNN mare
-HEE Click-
Fantasy Horses
06:37:13 Bravery + AD ISH
Horses for sale!
- ISH and PON
- E combos
- Premium bravery
- Color
- Rare patterns like sooty
- Wild captures
- Ages 2 to 6
- 1.1k to 4k
- TAKING OFFERS!
-HEE Click-

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Alaskan Anchor
08:35:49 
-HEE Click-
Need this barn empty will lower prices
Dreamtime Farm
08:10:19 Dreamtime
Auction on now. AA SH PON. Includes brindle, army geldings, and breeding stock. All rated, some W's, some EE's, and some rare colors. Ends Saturday.
Sleepwalker Centre
08:08:04 Walker
One EEE TB mare and two PEE combo ISH mares in my sale barn! Priced at 3000-4000 but open to offers so be not afraid! -HEE Click-
Two Trees Stables
08:04:07 Willow ~ TB Breeder
-HEE Click-
EEE+ WB mares
God is Mighty Stable
08:02:06 Willow ~ KNN Breeder
-HEE Click-
EEP combos
EEE
WEE combos
FirstLightFarms
07:57:54 puck
-HEE Click-

WEE TB mare auction. Dun, silver, tobi, and splash!

-HEE Click-

EWW RID Mare for auction! SB 1k.
Paradise Stables
07:38:24 Ariel / Tara
1. Selling upgrades/rerolls. DM me.
1 month - 100k
3 month/20 rerolls - 200k
6 month/50 rerolls - 450k

2. Broods for 193:
-HEE Click-

3. #1 PONLB up for stud:
-HEE Click-

Straw thread for 193:
-HEE Click-

4. Check out my sales barn:
-HEE Click-
Escott Estate
07:28:56 ~Del~
-HEE Click-

WWW producing WWW SH stallion up for stud

3K
MakeEm Fancy
07:09:31 Ally 💜
EPE wild KNN mare
-HEE Click-
Fantasy Horses
06:37:13 Bravery + AD ISH
Horses for sale!
- ISH and PON
- E combos
- Premium bravery
- Color
- Rare patterns like sooty
- Wild captures
- Ages 2 to 6
- 1.1k to 4k
- TAKING OFFERS!
-HEE Click-

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3837
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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