Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
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Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Sat 01:10am  
Stables Online:  58 
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Hummingbird Meadows
01:04:46 Bird
@Lucky, I am putting myself out there and trying online dating again.
Lucky Ranch
01:01:32 luhckeigh
heck yeah hummer
MK Sport Horse Yard
12:57:49 
Good luck
MK Sport Horse Yard
12:57:28 
Thank you but I don't mind waiting :)
Alpine Acres
12:56:58 Lily
Good luck Bird, hope it goes well for you! <3
Hummingbird Meadows
12:56:29 Bird
I just asked a guy out who I am really interested in. Wish me luck that he responds well!
Alpine Acres
12:54:53 Lily
of course! I've just looked and they're sold out though, want me to send you some?
MK Sport Horse Yard
12:54:23 
Thank you!
Alpine Acres
12:53:35 Lily
MK
in member shops under 'search items and decor!'
MK Sport Horse Yard
12:52:38 
Where can we find sugar cubes?
Blue Diamond
12:27:27 Bluey
FaNtAsY!
Fantasy Horses
12:18:49 Fantasy | Fanta
Hooray! Thank you guys!!
starmutt
12:17:16 marsh 🌈
Fantasy
there you go xD for your quest
Fantasy Horses
12:12:57 Fantasy | Fanta
Anybody want to raid? I have the quest >.<
Hummingbird Meadows
11:49:06 Bird
@Bug, now that would be fun to see! XD
Hummingbird Meadows
11:48:08 Bird
@Dusty, at least she was drunk. These guys just had small egos and felt like they had to tell someone what to do.
Savannah Stables
11:47:28 Dusty
hummer that's just like so weird what do they expect to happen
Bug in a Rug
11:46:54 Bug | Flea | KPH
omg hummer 😭I have a feeling they'd get their asses handed to them if the roles were reversed lmao
Savannah Stables
11:46:44 Dusty
i went to a musical festival and lost my absolutely wasted aunt cause she was trying to convince a security guard to let my 80 year old great aunt backstage to meet the singer cause she met him in 1979
Hummingbird Meadows
11:46:16 Bird
@Dusty, yup

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Hummingbird Meadows
01:04:46 Bird
@Lucky, I am putting myself out there and trying online dating again.
Lucky Ranch
01:01:32 luhckeigh
heck yeah hummer
MK Sport Horse Yard
12:57:49 
Good luck
MK Sport Horse Yard
12:57:28 
Thank you but I don't mind waiting :)
Alpine Acres
12:56:58 Lily
Good luck Bird, hope it goes well for you! <3
Hummingbird Meadows
12:56:29 Bird
I just asked a guy out who I am really interested in. Wish me luck that he responds well!
Alpine Acres
12:54:53 Lily
of course! I've just looked and they're sold out though, want me to send you some?
MK Sport Horse Yard
12:54:23 
Thank you!
Alpine Acres
12:53:35 Lily
MK
in member shops under 'search items and decor!'
MK Sport Horse Yard
12:52:38 
Where can we find sugar cubes?
Blue Diamond
12:27:27 Bluey
FaNtAsY!
Fantasy Horses
12:18:49 Fantasy | Fanta
Hooray! Thank you guys!!
starmutt
12:17:16 marsh 🌈
Fantasy
there you go xD for your quest
Fantasy Horses
12:12:57 Fantasy | Fanta
Anybody want to raid? I have the quest >.<
Hummingbird Meadows
11:49:06 Bird
@Bug, now that would be fun to see! XD
Hummingbird Meadows
11:48:08 Bird
@Dusty, at least she was drunk. These guys just had small egos and felt like they had to tell someone what to do.
Savannah Stables
11:47:28 Dusty
hummer that's just like so weird what do they expect to happen
Bug in a Rug
11:46:54 Bug | Flea | KPH
omg hummer 😭I have a feeling they'd get their asses handed to them if the roles were reversed lmao
Savannah Stables
11:46:44 Dusty
i went to a musical festival and lost my absolutely wasted aunt cause she was trying to convince a security guard to let my 80 year old great aunt backstage to meet the singer cause she met him in 1979
Hummingbird Meadows
11:46:16 Bird
@Dusty, yup

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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