Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Sun 10:38pm  
Stables Online:  93 
Chatbox
RFS Thoroughbreds
10:34:31 Fern/fref/ferf/nerf
Lookin for a rp partner pm me
Oceanfront Acres
10:29:49 Kidd
-HEE Click-
Kept a horse for that reason Potato, lol
Wild_Potatoes
10:28:05 
I just thought I’d admire her before I release her. Sorry!
Wild_Potatoes
10:27:23 
Oooop whoop I forgot she was for sale
KPH Equestrian
10:26:56 Rapcoon | Jester
careful not to link horses that are for sale in main<3
Wild_Potatoes
10:25:05 
-HEE Click-
Ok this is probably the prettiest yet most basic horse I have ever seen 😂😍❤️
Glacier Bay Cove
10:09:05 Arctic Katz
As soon as spring arrives, I am ready to plant hay in my pastures
Glacier Bay Cove
10:03:00 Arctic Katz
In the hidden falls
Glacier Bay Cove
10:02:49 Arctic Katz
Horse cookie Falls
Glacier Bay Cove
10:01:43 Arctic Katz
Never thought of recording myself during a sneeze
Bluebonnet Estates
09:58:31 Blue ~ Poodle Rat
Sunni
That's way accurate to me when I have a sneeze that doesn't want to come out 😭
Sunni
09:47:37 Sunni bunny
She made that face in a video so I screenshot it.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:44:50 Arctic Katz
Okay just voted for the artists in the rumble
Swirly's stable
09:44:46 Swirly
Sunni
That looks like me when I'm confused lmao
Sunni
09:40:31 Sunni bunny
She just jumped down to lay on me, she likes to strangle me in my sleep by standing on my neck.
Sunni
09:39:18 Sunni bunny
-Click-

Am not sure if she's offended shocked mad confused or all the above.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:39:07 Arctic Katz
Looking forward to more yummy trivia games
Sunni
09:38:15 Sunni bunny
I set that horse free it was a EEP.
Angels angels
09:38:08 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Got a week 4 tomorrow and a week 5 I sm semi nervous about
SCF Sporting Chance
09:33:20 SCF/Gibbs
There is one hour left to vote for your favorite art pieces in The Artist's Rumble SEMI FINALS! Please vote here -HEE Click- as all the artists have worked very hard on these pieces and deserve the votes!

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RFS Thoroughbreds
10:34:31 Fern/fref/ferf/nerf
Lookin for a rp partner pm me
Oceanfront Acres
10:29:49 Kidd
-HEE Click-
Kept a horse for that reason Potato, lol
Wild_Potatoes
10:28:05 
I just thought I’d admire her before I release her. Sorry!
Wild_Potatoes
10:27:23 
Oooop whoop I forgot she was for sale
KPH Equestrian
10:26:56 Rapcoon | Jester
careful not to link horses that are for sale in main<3
Wild_Potatoes
10:25:05 
-HEE Click-
Ok this is probably the prettiest yet most basic horse I have ever seen 😂😍❤️
Glacier Bay Cove
10:09:05 Arctic Katz
As soon as spring arrives, I am ready to plant hay in my pastures
Glacier Bay Cove
10:03:00 Arctic Katz
In the hidden falls
Glacier Bay Cove
10:02:49 Arctic Katz
Horse cookie Falls
Glacier Bay Cove
10:01:43 Arctic Katz
Never thought of recording myself during a sneeze
Bluebonnet Estates
09:58:31 Blue ~ Poodle Rat
Sunni
That's way accurate to me when I have a sneeze that doesn't want to come out 😭
Sunni
09:47:37 Sunni bunny
She made that face in a video so I screenshot it.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:44:50 Arctic Katz
Okay just voted for the artists in the rumble
Swirly's stable
09:44:46 Swirly
Sunni
That looks like me when I'm confused lmao
Sunni
09:40:31 Sunni bunny
She just jumped down to lay on me, she likes to strangle me in my sleep by standing on my neck.
Sunni
09:39:18 Sunni bunny
-Click-

Am not sure if she's offended shocked mad confused or all the above.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:39:07 Arctic Katz
Looking forward to more yummy trivia games
Sunni
09:38:15 Sunni bunny
I set that horse free it was a EEP.
Angels angels
09:38:08 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Got a week 4 tomorrow and a week 5 I sm semi nervous about
SCF Sporting Chance
09:33:20 SCF/Gibbs
There is one hour left to vote for your favorite art pieces in The Artist's Rumble SEMI FINALS! Please vote here -HEE Click- as all the artists have worked very hard on these pieces and deserve the votes!

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3842
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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