Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
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NightClan
03:27:03 Night
Art auctions up!
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Piper Lane Farm
03:02:56 
Iso Premium upgrade, 3 or 6 month
BlueBirdFalls
02:48:31 Blu
BBF Haver EWW KNN
All 20 Lc open to the public! Proven Wc producer, Always starts on the LBs! Would do really well with a decent mare!
up for 1k
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Broods:
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Sales:
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The Lazy Ninja
02:37:38 Jessie
PWW mare 8k obo
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Awesome Angels
02:36:18 Angel's angels (SA)
EEE AA Mares 5k each. need gone
Sunni
02:25:41 Sunni bunny
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Star auction,
$2'000 and up.
I have a variety of breeds.
These or horses that didn't fit into my program.
Lots of colorful foals with SD or PPP rating's.
Some of them have Apricot coats.
Mostly TB.
Palais de Lys
02:12:20 
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EEW filly for sale.
Port Royal Equines
02:11:23 ISH Bravery 4 Sale!
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Lvl 7+ Geldings. Asking 4k.
Fantasy Horses
01:58:34 Bravery + AD ISH
Auction! Discounted Quality!
- ISH, TB, and WB!
- P+ rated
- EEE and Elite bravery!
- AD, SD, and bravery
- Wild captures, some maps used!
- Ages 2 & 3!
- Rare color like apricot and dapple grey!
- Mostly mares, a few stallions
- 1k to 2k ONLY!
- Ends on the 25th at 12pm GT!
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Primal Dawn
01:40:54 MOD/Trish
ISO 3 month upgrade, not willing to pay over 170k :)

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Chatbox
NightClan
03:27:03 Night
Art auctions up!
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
Piper Lane Farm
03:02:56 
Iso Premium upgrade, 3 or 6 month
BlueBirdFalls
02:48:31 Blu
BBF Haver EWW KNN
All 20 Lc open to the public! Proven Wc producer, Always starts on the LBs! Would do really well with a decent mare!
up for 1k
-HEE Click-
----------
Broods:
-HEE Click-
----
Sales:
-HEE Click-
The Lazy Ninja
02:37:38 Jessie
PWW mare 8k obo
-HEE Click-
Awesome Angels
02:36:18 Angel's angels (SA)
EEE AA Mares 5k each. need gone
Sunni
02:25:41 Sunni bunny
-HEE Click-

Star auction,
$2'000 and up.
I have a variety of breeds.
These or horses that didn't fit into my program.
Lots of colorful foals with SD or PPP rating's.
Some of them have Apricot coats.
Mostly TB.
Palais de Lys
02:12:20 
-HEE Click-
EEW filly for sale.
Port Royal Equines
02:11:23 ISH Bravery 4 Sale!
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
Lvl 7+ Geldings. Asking 4k.
Fantasy Horses
01:58:34 Bravery + AD ISH
Auction! Discounted Quality!
- ISH, TB, and WB!
- P+ rated
- EEE and Elite bravery!
- AD, SD, and bravery
- Wild captures, some maps used!
- Ages 2 & 3!
- Rare color like apricot and dapple grey!
- Mostly mares, a few stallions
- 1k to 2k ONLY!
- Ends on the 25th at 12pm GT!
-HEE Click-
Primal Dawn
01:40:54 MOD/Trish
ISO 3 month upgrade, not willing to pay over 170k :)

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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