Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Clear with Temps dropping into the Teens
Forecast:
Thu 05:25am  
Stables Online:  45 
Chatbox
Ravenwood Farm
05:18:22 
Em That's very pretty!
Insignia Elites
05:13:15 Em
-HEE Click-
Look at this one I have!
Wild_Potatoes
04:24:26 
-HEE Click-
Never knew the sport horses could be Appaloosa patterned. Soooo cool though
ZequineZ
04:23:36 ZEZ - ZZ
Oldest file I have is from 2013 I think, I have one from around then with old YouTube links that nolonger work 😢
Black Dragon Stable
04:21:43 BDS / Black / Stormy
4:30 AM here... about my bedtime, I'm thinking. Working nightshift when you're a daylight lover sucks.
Calela Eventing
04:18:31 Cali
Just bred my first silver! Awful ratings but he's so cute!
Minerva
04:15:05 Min
Not chimera I don't think but beautiful dapples
Black Dragon Stable
04:15:03 BDS / Black / Stormy
Sorry, it's not a chimi
Wild_Potatoes
04:13:00 
I think it’s chimera to
Wild_Potatoes
04:12:10 
-HEE Click-
Omg my first ever home bred Lace
Black Dragon Stable
04:12:10 BDS / Black / Stormy
I have no idea how many I have sitting and chilling. I've never kept count. Some are hand written as well.
Calela Eventing
04:11:01 Cali
Stormy
I have over 100 abandoned WIPs
The novel I'm currently writing has my heart though and I'm praying I'll be able to publish it
Minerva
04:08:06 Min
Agreed Stormy. I stopped naming anything for a few months so I had hundreds with their foal names haha. Spent the last little while going through barn by barn to sort them out
Black Dragon Stable
04:07:33 BDS / Black / Stormy
It's one of many of my old files... I literally still have the very first flash drive I ever bought.. And that was probably back around the same time as this file is from.
Checkers Catch
04:06:53 
-HEE Click-
Bravery is disappointing but for no map. I’m shocked
Black Dragon Stable
04:06:24 BDS / Black / Stormy
Going through and naming my horses is a major pita... and all I'm doing is putting their breed, rating, year born, and reg number. Slow going since I've been avoiding naming forever. (My EEE+ horses get actual names)
ZequineZ
04:05:53 ZEZ - ZZ
God damn that’s an old file
Black Dragon Stable
04:02:53 BDS / Black / Stormy
I checked the date on it, and it was last saved back in 2010. lmao.
Calela Eventing
04:01:50 Cali
Stormy
Oh, you poor soul
Black Dragon Stable
03:55:08 BDS / Black / Stormy
I found a 70k word document on an old flash drive and was excited... but it was nothing but drivel. I read it and it's currently living rent free in my head while I view it from multiple angles as I try to figure out how to 'fix' it. lol.

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Ravenwood Farm
05:18:22 
Em That's very pretty!
Insignia Elites
05:13:15 Em
-HEE Click-
Look at this one I have!
Wild_Potatoes
04:24:26 
-HEE Click-
Never knew the sport horses could be Appaloosa patterned. Soooo cool though
ZequineZ
04:23:36 ZEZ - ZZ
Oldest file I have is from 2013 I think, I have one from around then with old YouTube links that nolonger work 😢
Black Dragon Stable
04:21:43 BDS / Black / Stormy
4:30 AM here... about my bedtime, I'm thinking. Working nightshift when you're a daylight lover sucks.
Calela Eventing
04:18:31 Cali
Just bred my first silver! Awful ratings but he's so cute!
Minerva
04:15:05 Min
Not chimera I don't think but beautiful dapples
Black Dragon Stable
04:15:03 BDS / Black / Stormy
Sorry, it's not a chimi
Wild_Potatoes
04:13:00 
I think it’s chimera to
Wild_Potatoes
04:12:10 
-HEE Click-
Omg my first ever home bred Lace
Black Dragon Stable
04:12:10 BDS / Black / Stormy
I have no idea how many I have sitting and chilling. I've never kept count. Some are hand written as well.
Calela Eventing
04:11:01 Cali
Stormy
I have over 100 abandoned WIPs
The novel I'm currently writing has my heart though and I'm praying I'll be able to publish it
Minerva
04:08:06 Min
Agreed Stormy. I stopped naming anything for a few months so I had hundreds with their foal names haha. Spent the last little while going through barn by barn to sort them out
Black Dragon Stable
04:07:33 BDS / Black / Stormy
It's one of many of my old files... I literally still have the very first flash drive I ever bought.. And that was probably back around the same time as this file is from.
Checkers Catch
04:06:53 
-HEE Click-
Bravery is disappointing but for no map. I’m shocked
Black Dragon Stable
04:06:24 BDS / Black / Stormy
Going through and naming my horses is a major pita... and all I'm doing is putting their breed, rating, year born, and reg number. Slow going since I've been avoiding naming forever. (My EEE+ horses get actual names)
ZequineZ
04:05:53 ZEZ - ZZ
God damn that’s an old file
Black Dragon Stable
04:02:53 BDS / Black / Stormy
I checked the date on it, and it was last saved back in 2010. lmao.
Calela Eventing
04:01:50 Cali
Stormy
Oh, you poor soul
Black Dragon Stable
03:55:08 BDS / Black / Stormy
I found a 70k word document on an old flash drive and was excited... but it was nothing but drivel. I read it and it's currently living rent free in my head while I view it from multiple angles as I try to figure out how to 'fix' it. lol.

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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