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My boyfriend of almost 5 years (our 5 year anniversary would've been in December), who I've also been living with for almost 5 years, just told me this morning he's pretty sure he wants to break up.
He told me a few weeks ago that he wasn't sure he wanted to be together anymore, because he thinks he needs to just be alone for a while. But we carried on with our lives together and acted like everthing was fine. It was harder for me to do than it was for him though, but we were enjoying our time together and I thought maybe he won't break up with me after all since things were going really well. After all, he's unsure about a lot of things and often doubts himself so I tried to not think too much about it. Well he had a therapy appointment yesterday and his therapist told him that she thinks he wants to break up with me, so I guess whatever she says it true right? I'm just absolutely devastated right now. I'm also completely depedent on him for everything— i live in his house free of rent or bills, he pays for my groceries, he pays for all of our dates, since my metal health has really affected my ability to hold a job and believe I'm good enough to work anywhere. I did have an internship at the end of school, that became a short-term contract that had the potential to turn into a permanent job at a local design agency as a graphic designer, but I guess i wasn't what they were looking for since my contract was only extended by 2 weeks (originally it was just 1 month). I haven't applied anywhere yet because I'm honestly just scared, and I'm not confident in my abilities to be creative. Thankfully since I didn't have many expenses, I have had enough money saved to take care of my cat.... which is a whole other thing. We got 3 kittens all within 4 months this year. My boyfriend got a british shorthair kitten named Charlie first, and then I decided since I was working I could afford to have my own so I adopted a kitten from a rescue named Chloe. He then wanted to get a ragdoll kitten a month and a half later that we named Rosie. I was really happy that we were like a little family, and I am very attached to his cats and treat them as if they were my own (I say I'm their mommy, lol). In fact, I'm the only one who puts in the effort to take care of them. My boyfriend is morbidly obese and can't do a lot of physical things, going down and up the stairs is even hard for him. So I have to feed them, give them water, play with them, clip their nails, clean their litter boxes all on my own every day. I love them all so much, I don't want to say goodbye.
Unfortunately now my money is starting to become less over time, so obviously I will have to get a job. My mom has always told me I'm free to come live with her if I need to at any time, but her boyfriend who she's also lived with for almost 5 years, is very allergic to cats. She says we can make it work, but I just don't see how. My bedroom in their home is so small I don't think it would be good to keep Chloe in there all the time... I just dont understand why he wants to throw everything we have together away. I went through so much to make our relationship work over the years, especially in the beginning, some of it way too fucked up to say on here, including addictions. Our relationship has only gotten better and healthier over the years, so this really feels out of nowhere. I honestly always thought we would get married and have a family someday, and my family likes him too, and his family loves me too. I've never met someone who understands me like he does in my entire life of 24 years, and I'm afraid I will never meet someone else who does. He says we don't have to break up right now, we can just have fun with our time together until we do, we can break up in a month or by the new year. Well why the fuck would I want to do that, how would I be able to enjoy my time with someone who doesn't want me anymore? Do you want to leave me or not? uhg. And he doesn't undertsand why i'm mad and not lovey-dovey with him now? lol
So yeah. Basically my whole life is crumbling beneath my feet. I just can't be happy I guess. Everyone in my life either abandons me or is a selfish prick. I should be used to it but this hurts more than anything i've ever felt before, and this time I have everything to lose. |
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Also, I'm very hesitant to moving back in with my mom. Before I moved out she really broke my trust— for example, she didn't pick me up from school and had me wait for 3 hours in the rain because she wanted to go on a date with her now boyfriend. And when we were homeless, living in her friend's basement she left me to deal with her friend's anger that my mom didn't find an apartment yet, letting it all out on me over something I had no control over. I also don't forgive her for not taking care of my childhood dog/best friend, she didn't take him to the vet when he had a disgusting tumor growing on his leg for over a year, but she would go spend hundreds of dollars on her hair every couple of months... But i guess I don't have a choice. |
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My condolences, Vixie. I know that feeling when it feels like what just happened is absolutely impossible and came out of nowhere, and it's even worse when you feel like you have nowhere to escape to and nowhere to go. I'm really sorry to hear something as abrupt and life-changing as this. I've only seen you in passing on the game and I know we haven't really ever spoken but if you ever need someone to talk to I'm always willing. Wishing you all the best <3 |
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This sounds difficult I am sorry ❤️ But I am also going to go out on a limb here and suggest that this might be divined intervention after reading through everything? You can still choose to always love each other, and I think that seems to be the case with him which is why he doesn't care when you move out. He obviously enjoys your company and I don't think you have to feel "not wanted" just because he might feel that in the long run you might not be the perfect one for him to build his life with. That is a big decision after all. But this will force you to work on yourself because in honestly, no relationship is healthy if you don't love yourself and are comfortable and happy being alone with yourself first and foremost ☺️ take this as a blessing as you will now be able to grow yourself and take steps such as finding a job that you never would have had to take if this wouldnt have happened and working on your mental health and confidence which is EVERYTHING. =) The only thing we can control in life is our own self, so that should be the focus of everything because in the end, that is what we are left with ❤️ Be the person YOU want to be! Stretch yourself, take on opportunities, build a career, and meet new people 😁 I have a feeling this will definitely all work out for you better in the long run and you will be more able to be in a super healthy, committed, balanced relationship after you build yourself a bit =D Like you will be able to do much more than feed cats for him, it will be awesome <3 And a lot of times, people who truly love themselves and are mentally healthy aren't obese (unless there is a medical condition), so I do think that this will give both of you guys the chance to grow personally. And you will be worthy of the best freakin man out there so don't let this drag you down, there are sunny skies (and Thors 😂) out there ❤️ Because you guys still seem like friends, you have lost nothing except for comfort, which in reality gives you everything to GAIN. No one became exceptional without constantly striving to be out of their comfort zone and to thereby expand it. See this as a blessing to be forced to do this because being thrown in the deep end is sometimes the best way to find progress out of a struggle that you will end up thanking forever =)
P.S. I hope nothing I said could be taken negatively, these are just the things that I felt when reading this and echos what I believe in, and they are supposed to be inspirational and positive so I sincerely hope I accomplished that. =) |
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Bright Sunshine with a few High Clouds
