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Boulder Creek
01:08:49 
Pretty Pony Pageant
August Show:

- Cross Country
- Matchy Matchy
- Working Equitation *
- Get Spotted
~ Flower Festival
~ Beach Ride

Everyone is welcome to join!
Free to Enter!
Win EBs!

-HEE Click-
Lucky Ducky Lane
01:06:41 
ISO a 3 month upgrade
Sweet Valley
01:02:15 I Buy Brindles!!!!!!
-HEE Click-

All the horses with the 💲 emoji in front of name are for sale.
Skyrim
12:58:27 Wynter/Ghostly
-HEE Click-
WWE rated RID stallion for sale at 200k. Multiple EEE and EWE producer.
MakeEm Fancy
12:52:29 Ally 💜
EWE+ ISH/SH/KNN includes a WWW. Need gone
-HEE Click-
Purestables
12:46:45 
Selling 1 3 month upgrade or 2 1 month upgrades
Disney Acres
12:43:07 
Wild EES WC Bravery TB mare 10k will lower
-HEE Click-
The Lazy Ninja
12:39:46 Jessie
Wild EPP WC Bravery WB 50k or send an offer
-HEE Click-
Cody Creek
12:34:23 Chey
-HEE Click-
Horse Haven Stables
12:31:03 HHS⎹ Lyla
-HEE Click-
Auction!
Includes:
WWE SH Stallion
EWE Combos
EEE Mares
SD W Jumping stallions
-
-HEE Click-
194 Maiden WWW SH first and second embryos for auction! Check this forum out for more info!

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7400
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3858
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7400
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FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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