Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Daytime Flurries, Clearing Overnight
Forecast:
Mon 04:52am  
Stables Online:  50 
Chatbox
Minerva
04:50:15 Min
Oh yikes Van
Vancouver
04:32:31 Ana / Van
-HEE Click-
Damn, he is really really weak in MV
MANIA
04:27:55 
oohhh alr, and my fault. forgot he was still up for all that
Alpine Acres
04:27:40 Lily
MANIA
Definitely XC, but it's still not that easy to tell as he's only on week 4 :)
ArcticLights
04:27:19 Ceci / (Call me) AL
And also, be careful posting horses for sale/auction/breeding in main chat so you dont get into trouble
ArcticLights
04:26:41 Ceci / (Call me) AL
Mania, XC. But if you plan on using him for breeding keeping him AD would be better
MANIA
04:25:01 
i assume jumping or CX would be best training for him? only progressed in speed and strength

-HEE Click-
Enoki Valley
04:00:04 Enoki | Maddie
I wish there was a way to see the straws you have while not being premium. I agree with not being able to use them but I just want to remind myself what I have
kleinmattala Elite
03:46:38 
Thank you <3
Boulder Creek
03:45:44 
Go to the Services Tab - to Quest Hub
-HEE Click-
kleinmattala Elite
03:43:23 
Hi sorry I am new, can anyone tell me why I am not getting any Quests?
Elysium Opalus
03:10:08 anti gen ai
Its a dog marsh
Its a boof
Namerik Stables
03:07:12 Rose
Oh come on why am I only catching grullo coloured horses(⁠ノ⁠`⁠Д⁠´⁠)⁠ノ⁠彡⁠┻⁠━⁠┻
Lucky Ranch
02:34:56 luhckeigh
ilove
starmutt
01:46:38 marsh 🌈
Wip yay :3 -Click-
Boulder Creek
01:43:34 
Going through my old (very slow and geriatric) computer - found a note outlining this idea:
-HEE Click-
Would love to have this!
SCF Sporting Chance
01:22:22 SCF/Gibbs
Dynasty... The Knot is a good planning source... it has all kinds of info and you can use it as your registry as well.
New Dynasty Stud
01:22:14 
There are HEWGQ shows once a week but your horses need to be in a futurity and level 8-9
New Dynasty Stud
01:20:32 
Dusty
I have trust issues with wedding planners after watching my mom’s experience lol. I’ll probably end up taking ideas from a lot of people and narrowing them down
Calela Eventing
01:19:59 Cali
Can someone explain the HEWG qualifiers? Do you get points for it by normal shows or are there special ones

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.



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Minerva
04:50:15 Min
Oh yikes Van
Vancouver
04:32:31 Ana / Van
-HEE Click-
Damn, he is really really weak in MV
MANIA
04:27:55 
oohhh alr, and my fault. forgot he was still up for all that
Alpine Acres
04:27:40 Lily
MANIA
Definitely XC, but it's still not that easy to tell as he's only on week 4 :)
ArcticLights
04:27:19 Ceci / (Call me) AL
And also, be careful posting horses for sale/auction/breeding in main chat so you dont get into trouble
ArcticLights
04:26:41 Ceci / (Call me) AL
Mania, XC. But if you plan on using him for breeding keeping him AD would be better
MANIA
04:25:01 
i assume jumping or CX would be best training for him? only progressed in speed and strength

-HEE Click-
Enoki Valley
04:00:04 Enoki | Maddie
I wish there was a way to see the straws you have while not being premium. I agree with not being able to use them but I just want to remind myself what I have
kleinmattala Elite
03:46:38 
Thank you <3
Boulder Creek
03:45:44 
Go to the Services Tab - to Quest Hub
-HEE Click-
kleinmattala Elite
03:43:23 
Hi sorry I am new, can anyone tell me why I am not getting any Quests?
Elysium Opalus
03:10:08 anti gen ai
Its a dog marsh
Its a boof
Namerik Stables
03:07:12 Rose
Oh come on why am I only catching grullo coloured horses(⁠ノ⁠`⁠Д⁠´⁠)⁠ノ⁠彡⁠┻⁠━⁠┻
Lucky Ranch
02:34:56 luhckeigh
ilove
starmutt
01:46:38 marsh 🌈
Wip yay :3 -Click-
Boulder Creek
01:43:34 
Going through my old (very slow and geriatric) computer - found a note outlining this idea:
-HEE Click-
Would love to have this!
SCF Sporting Chance
01:22:22 SCF/Gibbs
Dynasty... The Knot is a good planning source... it has all kinds of info and you can use it as your registry as well.
New Dynasty Stud
01:22:14 
There are HEWGQ shows once a week but your horses need to be in a futurity and level 8-9
New Dynasty Stud
01:20:32 
Dusty
I have trust issues with wedding planners after watching my mom’s experience lol. I’ll probably end up taking ideas from a lot of people and narrowing them down
Calela Eventing
01:19:59 Cali
Can someone explain the HEWG qualifiers? Do you get points for it by normal shows or are there special ones

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3842
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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