Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Afternoon Showers, Sleet Possible
Forecast:
Wed 12:47pm  
Stables Online:  117 
Chatbox
Sunni
12:47:06 Sunni bunny
I love a good biscuit with jelly or jam.
I tend to avoid butter XD.
Glacier Bay Cove
12:47:04 Arctic Katz
I like raw honey on my rolls
Rainbow
12:46:16 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Sunni
It was so good! Super crusty. Perfect with some butter and jam for breakfast
Rainbow
12:45:48 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Angel
Well feel free to try that recipe I linked if you ever feel like it
Sunni
12:45:40 Sunni bunny
Rainy that looks so good!!
Sunni
12:45:13 Sunni bunny
Sorry my son called me.
Angels angels
12:43:27 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I have always wanted to make bread
I have made copycat texas rhodehouse rolls though lol
Angels angels
12:41:30 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Oh it loaded for me lol
Beautiful Rainy!
Glacier Bay Cove
12:41:24 Arctic Katz
Delicious bread loaf, Rainy
Rainbow
12:40:42 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Sunni
Here is the first loaf I made with that recipe! I was still new to bread at that point, so it is really foolproof and easy
-Click-
Glacier Bay Cove
12:40:40 Arctic Katz
I liked pineapple for a little bit, but I might be allergic to it now
Fantasy Horses
12:39:51 Fantasy | Fanta
Angel
Hm. Okay, thank you!
Angels angels
12:39:50 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Glacier
Might be good lol
I like pineapple pizza
Fantasy Horses
12:39:32 Fantasy | Fanta
Sunni
I wasn't saving it for capture day
Glacier Bay Cove
12:39:29 Arctic Katz
Fried rice, with pineapple??
Angels angels
12:39:17 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Fantasy
You can capture a couple at a time. That quest is normally pretty easy. Just do KNNs because they always have a pattern (since they are appy)
Sunni
12:39:13 Sunni bunny
Fantasy next capture day is in October I believe.
Angels angels
12:38:25 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I am going to eat my fried rice when it is done, watch tv, and crochet lol
Glacier Bay Cove
12:38:15 Arctic Katz
I recommend a nap
Fantasy Horses
12:38:04 Fantasy | Fanta
Another question.
Capture a Premium horse with a Pattern.
Do I skip this quest or wait until RO so I have more barn space to capture? It gives me 5 adv. maps so I'm definitely wanting to keep it, but the other two quests I have I'm working on, so I can't skip those.

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Sunni
12:47:06 Sunni bunny
I love a good biscuit with jelly or jam.
I tend to avoid butter XD.
Glacier Bay Cove
12:47:04 Arctic Katz
I like raw honey on my rolls
Rainbow
12:46:16 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Sunni
It was so good! Super crusty. Perfect with some butter and jam for breakfast
Rainbow
12:45:48 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Angel
Well feel free to try that recipe I linked if you ever feel like it
Sunni
12:45:40 Sunni bunny
Rainy that looks so good!!
Sunni
12:45:13 Sunni bunny
Sorry my son called me.
Angels angels
12:43:27 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I have always wanted to make bread
I have made copycat texas rhodehouse rolls though lol
Angels angels
12:41:30 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Oh it loaded for me lol
Beautiful Rainy!
Glacier Bay Cove
12:41:24 Arctic Katz
Delicious bread loaf, Rainy
Rainbow
12:40:42 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Sunni
Here is the first loaf I made with that recipe! I was still new to bread at that point, so it is really foolproof and easy
-Click-
Glacier Bay Cove
12:40:40 Arctic Katz
I liked pineapple for a little bit, but I might be allergic to it now
Fantasy Horses
12:39:51 Fantasy | Fanta
Angel
Hm. Okay, thank you!
Angels angels
12:39:50 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Glacier
Might be good lol
I like pineapple pizza
Fantasy Horses
12:39:32 Fantasy | Fanta
Sunni
I wasn't saving it for capture day
Glacier Bay Cove
12:39:29 Arctic Katz
Fried rice, with pineapple??
Angels angels
12:39:17 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Fantasy
You can capture a couple at a time. That quest is normally pretty easy. Just do KNNs because they always have a pattern (since they are appy)
Sunni
12:39:13 Sunni bunny
Fantasy next capture day is in October I believe.
Angels angels
12:38:25 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I am going to eat my fried rice when it is done, watch tv, and crochet lol
Glacier Bay Cove
12:38:15 Arctic Katz
I recommend a nap
Fantasy Horses
12:38:04 Fantasy | Fanta
Another question.
Capture a Premium horse with a Pattern.
Do I skip this quest or wait until RO so I have more barn space to capture? It gives me 5 adv. maps so I'm definitely wanting to keep it, but the other two quests I have I'm working on, so I can't skip those.

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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