Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Clear with Temps dropping into the Teens
Forecast:
Thu 08:31am  
Stables Online:  76 
Chatbox
Sunni
08:31:23 Sunni bunny
I have an interview at at 11am and no one has sent me a address or anything....
Nightingales Ridge
08:27:47 Issy
7 scrapbook collections with 3/4 cmon gimme them snaps :,(
Glacier Bay Cove
08:26:43 Arctic Katz
Beautiful horse, Zee
Mythological
08:22:39 Crowley
Thanks Issy
The Painted Pantheon
08:19:38 Zee
Thank you!! <3
Kuewi knn stable
08:18:21 Bazinga Force
She looks stunning
Nightingales Ridge
08:16:34 Issy
Lovely girl :)
The Painted Pantheon
08:13:04 Zee
-HEE Click-

Gosh I just bred her for a silver quest, but she is GORGEOUS
Nightingales Ridge
08:05:32 Issy
Aw Crowley I'm sorry 😞
Nightingales Ridge
08:04:21 Issy
-HEE Click-
Ugh I love the richness of seal brown 😍
Mythological
07:33:08 Crowley
Angel
Too soon to say yet. Vet said he thinks it's blood poisoning and put her on antibiotics.

Hey Rain
It's a yorkie.
Rain Plains
07:28:16 Kelan/Rain
Morning, oh no, which dog?
Angels angels
06:40:16 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Is your doggy okay this morning Myth?
Angels angels
06:35:04 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ugh so close. I only need 4 more straws and 3 I have to wait for the people to respond
Mythological
06:29:08 Crowley
Ugh 😑
Ravenwood Farm
05:18:22 
Em That's very pretty!
Insignia Elites
05:13:15 Em
-HEE Click-
Look at this one I have!
Wild_Potatoes
04:24:26 
-HEE Click-
Never knew the sport horses could be Appaloosa patterned. Soooo cool though
ZequineZ
04:23:36 ZEZ - ZZ
Oldest file I have is from 2013 I think, I have one from around then with old YouTube links that nolonger work 😢
Black Dragon Stable
04:21:43 BDS / Black / Stormy
4:30 AM here... about my bedtime, I'm thinking. Working nightshift when you're a daylight lover sucks.

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Sunni
08:31:23 Sunni bunny
I have an interview at at 11am and no one has sent me a address or anything....
Nightingales Ridge
08:27:47 Issy
7 scrapbook collections with 3/4 cmon gimme them snaps :,(
Glacier Bay Cove
08:26:43 Arctic Katz
Beautiful horse, Zee
Mythological
08:22:39 Crowley
Thanks Issy
The Painted Pantheon
08:19:38 Zee
Thank you!! <3
Kuewi knn stable
08:18:21 Bazinga Force
She looks stunning
Nightingales Ridge
08:16:34 Issy
Lovely girl :)
The Painted Pantheon
08:13:04 Zee
-HEE Click-

Gosh I just bred her for a silver quest, but she is GORGEOUS
Nightingales Ridge
08:05:32 Issy
Aw Crowley I'm sorry 😞
Nightingales Ridge
08:04:21 Issy
-HEE Click-
Ugh I love the richness of seal brown 😍
Mythological
07:33:08 Crowley
Angel
Too soon to say yet. Vet said he thinks it's blood poisoning and put her on antibiotics.

Hey Rain
It's a yorkie.
Rain Plains
07:28:16 Kelan/Rain
Morning, oh no, which dog?
Angels angels
06:40:16 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Is your doggy okay this morning Myth?
Angels angels
06:35:04 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ugh so close. I only need 4 more straws and 3 I have to wait for the people to respond
Mythological
06:29:08 Crowley
Ugh 😑
Ravenwood Farm
05:18:22 
Em That's very pretty!
Insignia Elites
05:13:15 Em
-HEE Click-
Look at this one I have!
Wild_Potatoes
04:24:26 
-HEE Click-
Never knew the sport horses could be Appaloosa patterned. Soooo cool though
ZequineZ
04:23:36 ZEZ - ZZ
Oldest file I have is from 2013 I think, I have one from around then with old YouTube links that nolonger work 😢
Black Dragon Stable
04:21:43 BDS / Black / Stormy
4:30 AM here... about my bedtime, I'm thinking. Working nightshift when you're a daylight lover sucks.

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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