Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
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Forecast: Clear with Temps dropping into the Teens
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Thu 09:48am  
Stables Online:  95 
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DearBorn Ranch
09:46:02 Louise
then my best boy pops her out -HEE Click-
DearBorn Ranch
09:36:43 Louise
sometimes testing freshmen pop a good one lol
Nightingales Ridge
09:35:25 Issy
Wowweeee Louise
DearBorn Ranch
09:33:19 Louise
wow -HEE Click-
The Old Gods
09:28:47 Void Malign
It's wild that I'm now using AI for work. At least it's useful
Jazzyb23
09:26:18 
-HEE Click- such a shiny 1/1 foal and an e in jumping too
Transformers Acres
09:22:54 Geek, Eek
My family: Find God/Jesus.

Me, a HelPol: Um... I found other deities though.

True conversation. :')
Mythological
09:18:57 Crowley
Ven
Oh gods lol
Stormsong Manor
09:17:57 Ven
We had a meetup planned like... twelve years ago? It never materialized because the people who were planning it had some not so great ideas
Mythological
09:17:25 Crowley
Geek
My mom's dog never listens lol
Glacier Bay Cove
09:16:47 Arctic Katz
Unpopular idea of mine. What would it be like meeting you in person and talking about HEE
Transformers Acres
09:09:13 Geek, Eek
Crowley

Nice. My dog, Sassy, growls whenever she's told to go join the living. She stays with me in my room, I hate socializing.
Mythological
09:04:56 Crowley
Told my mom's dog to come out and join the living and she actually came out from under the chair. 💀
The Night Circus
09:04:53 Columet
Thanks
Sunfeather Stables
09:04:23 SF
Congratulations!!
Nightingales Ridge
09:04:05 Issy
Wow nice
The Night Circus
09:02:47 Columet
lol ok
-HEE Click-
Snow Stable
09:01:05 Snow❆Gem
@eury

Well said. :)
The Old Gods
08:59:56 Void Malign
LB status is a solid indication of horse strength. So, it definitely can make a difference if you're trying to strengthen lines
Snow Stable
08:59:45 Snow❆Gem
@myth

Oh hello! :D I hope you have a good day! *hugs*

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DearBorn Ranch
09:46:02 Louise
then my best boy pops her out -HEE Click-
DearBorn Ranch
09:36:43 Louise
sometimes testing freshmen pop a good one lol
Nightingales Ridge
09:35:25 Issy
Wowweeee Louise
DearBorn Ranch
09:33:19 Louise
wow -HEE Click-
The Old Gods
09:28:47 Void Malign
It's wild that I'm now using AI for work. At least it's useful
Jazzyb23
09:26:18 
-HEE Click- such a shiny 1/1 foal and an e in jumping too
Transformers Acres
09:22:54 Geek, Eek
My family: Find God/Jesus.

Me, a HelPol: Um... I found other deities though.

True conversation. :')
Mythological
09:18:57 Crowley
Ven
Oh gods lol
Stormsong Manor
09:17:57 Ven
We had a meetup planned like... twelve years ago? It never materialized because the people who were planning it had some not so great ideas
Mythological
09:17:25 Crowley
Geek
My mom's dog never listens lol
Glacier Bay Cove
09:16:47 Arctic Katz
Unpopular idea of mine. What would it be like meeting you in person and talking about HEE
Transformers Acres
09:09:13 Geek, Eek
Crowley

Nice. My dog, Sassy, growls whenever she's told to go join the living. She stays with me in my room, I hate socializing.
Mythological
09:04:56 Crowley
Told my mom's dog to come out and join the living and she actually came out from under the chair. 💀
The Night Circus
09:04:53 Columet
Thanks
Sunfeather Stables
09:04:23 SF
Congratulations!!
Nightingales Ridge
09:04:05 Issy
Wow nice
The Night Circus
09:02:47 Columet
lol ok
-HEE Click-
Snow Stable
09:01:05 Snow❆Gem
@eury

Well said. :)
The Old Gods
08:59:56 Void Malign
LB status is a solid indication of horse strength. So, it definitely can make a difference if you're trying to strengthen lines
Snow Stable
08:59:45 Snow❆Gem
@myth

Oh hello! :D I hope you have a good day! *hugs*

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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