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Skyrim
06:38:56 Wynter/Ghostly
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6 year old WWE rated RID stallion for sale at 300k. Willing to lower his price. He has produced multiple EWE's and EEE's.

I have a couple EWE and EEE RIDs for 70k and 15k. Will take offers on them too.
Horse Haven Stables
06:35:50 HHS⎹ Lyla
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EEE-WWW Mares auction! Includes:
-Wild PEE-E SH Mare
-EEW/EWE/WEE SH and ISH Mares
-EWW SH Mare
-WWW ISH Mare
Come check 'em out! Need them gone :)
Cozmic Elite
06:22:18 Z
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Stable set contest
900k+ <3
Sunni
06:22:04 Sunni bunny
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This auction is EEE and higher, lots of SH and a EWE pony mare.
A lot of these EEE foals have some nice colors to them.
Bioshock Manor
06:21:34 Storm
Year upgrades or 50 reroll packs. Pm to claim
Elysium Opalus
06:14:58 free palestine
Mass rating , bravery, color, and KNN sale
EEE+ studs in other folders
CHEAP
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Stock up on shiny brave knabbies for future explore events!
Dash and Duchess
05:47:44 T1 Artist, W+ seller
Looking for a Tesoro straw extremely desperately!!
God is Mighty Stable
05:07:01 Willow ~ KNN Breeder
Need these items sold!!!
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Cheap
Port Royal Equines
05:06:53 ISH Bravery 4 Sale!
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FR fodder, Lvl 7 Geldings, and PPP-A+ ISH Bravery Stock for sale! I need them gone.
Grand S Stable
05:03:55 Sare-uh
Trying to get away from mares- many shiny show mares for sale and a few EEE boys.
-HEE Click-

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Skyrim
06:38:56 Wynter/Ghostly
-HEE Click-
6 year old WWE rated RID stallion for sale at 300k. Willing to lower his price. He has produced multiple EWE's and EEE's.

I have a couple EWE and EEE RIDs for 70k and 15k. Will take offers on them too.
Horse Haven Stables
06:35:50 HHS⎹ Lyla
-HEE Click-
EEE-WWW Mares auction! Includes:
-Wild PEE-E SH Mare
-EEW/EWE/WEE SH and ISH Mares
-EWW SH Mare
-WWW ISH Mare
Come check 'em out! Need them gone :)
Cozmic Elite
06:22:18 Z
-HEE Click-
Stable set contest
900k+ <3
Sunni
06:22:04 Sunni bunny
-HEE Click-

This auction is EEE and higher, lots of SH and a EWE pony mare.
A lot of these EEE foals have some nice colors to them.
Bioshock Manor
06:21:34 Storm
Year upgrades or 50 reroll packs. Pm to claim
Elysium Opalus
06:14:58 free palestine
Mass rating , bravery, color, and KNN sale
EEE+ studs in other folders
CHEAP
-HEE Click-
Stock up on shiny brave knabbies for future explore events!
Dash and Duchess
05:47:44 T1 Artist, W+ seller
Looking for a Tesoro straw extremely desperately!!
God is Mighty Stable
05:07:01 Willow ~ KNN Breeder
Need these items sold!!!
-HEE Click-
Cheap
Port Royal Equines
05:06:53 ISH Bravery 4 Sale!
-HEE Click-
FR fodder, Lvl 7 Geldings, and PPP-A+ ISH Bravery Stock for sale! I need them gone.
Grand S Stable
05:03:55 Sare-uh
Trying to get away from mares- many shiny show mares for sale and a few EEE boys.
-HEE Click-

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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