Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 193   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Breezy and Pleasant
Forecast:
Tue 11:18pm  
Stables Online:  80 
Chatbox
Sunni
11:18:38 Sunni bunny
Remind me because am being stupid what's the size of an avatar again?
I thought it was 500x500
Skyward Stud
11:05:59 Skrangle
still can't believe my luck -HEE Click-
Tobiano Lady
11:04:15 Tobi | Nix
Congrats Eagle!
Eagles Peak
11:03:13 
um i think this is my first all up week 4 lol -HEE Click-
Hummingbird Meadows
11:01:30 Bird
Argh, I'm trying to decide if I need to take Finley To the vet because his stool seems to be soft all the time.
Eagles Peak
11:00:16 
Is there a way to donate ebs to a club?
Skyward Stud
10:57:53 Skrangle
I had no idea that eyes could be heterochromatic in this game!
ZequineZ
10:37:18 ZEZ - ZZ
I feel like brass is one of those ones that needs soldering but I’ve never looked much into plumbing myself, definitely YouTube it at the least I reckon
Galloping_Gems
10:25:13 Gemstone
-HEE Click-
The pretty ones always rate shitty 😭
Galloping_Gems
10:22:44 Gemstone
-HEE Click-
Just caught this girl a hour ago
Cloud Peak Stables
10:06:05 Cloud
A 2-3 in dia. brass main line is a pretty major pipe to be fixing. You're better off asking a plumber (or maybe Youtube? lol) for that one.
Hummingbird Meadows
10:05:59 Bird
@Dulcie, sounds like a job for a plumber.
Frog Judgment Acers
09:59:11 Dulcie/Crazy
Anyone on know about pipe fixing?
The main coming into the shared vacation cabin broke because it was left on over the winter by a relative
I think its like 2 or 3 inches & brass
Im planning to go up there soon & fix it but need to know what tools to bring
Tobiano Lady
09:52:17 Tobi | Nix
I'm glad you got something out of it as well!
Cloud Peak Stables
09:52:16 Cloud
And I'm happy to help with my own studs too <3 Bummer that my freebie straw was a color dud.
Cloud Peak Stables
09:49:22 Cloud
Of course <3 Glacialis looked promising and I loved his color. He not only landed high on the LB but he gave me lots of pretty foals too :)
Tobiano Lady
09:47:14 Tobi | Nix
*my studs & other people's studs. Should have clarified lol
Tobiano Lady
09:46:32 Tobi | Nix
Thank you again Cloud. I'm usually floundering a bit with studs so any amount of help is huge to me <3
Cloud Peak Stables
09:44:18 Cloud
lol oh no Tobi!
Tobiano Lady
09:38:51 Tobi | Nix
-HEE Click-
dodging your dad's tobi like it's an olympic sport

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Sunni
11:18:38 Sunni bunny
Remind me because am being stupid what's the size of an avatar again?
I thought it was 500x500
Skyward Stud
11:05:59 Skrangle
still can't believe my luck -HEE Click-
Tobiano Lady
11:04:15 Tobi | Nix
Congrats Eagle!
Eagles Peak
11:03:13 
um i think this is my first all up week 4 lol -HEE Click-
Hummingbird Meadows
11:01:30 Bird
Argh, I'm trying to decide if I need to take Finley To the vet because his stool seems to be soft all the time.
Eagles Peak
11:00:16 
Is there a way to donate ebs to a club?
Skyward Stud
10:57:53 Skrangle
I had no idea that eyes could be heterochromatic in this game!
ZequineZ
10:37:18 ZEZ - ZZ
I feel like brass is one of those ones that needs soldering but I’ve never looked much into plumbing myself, definitely YouTube it at the least I reckon
Galloping_Gems
10:25:13 Gemstone
-HEE Click-
The pretty ones always rate shitty 😭
Galloping_Gems
10:22:44 Gemstone
-HEE Click-
Just caught this girl a hour ago
Cloud Peak Stables
10:06:05 Cloud
A 2-3 in dia. brass main line is a pretty major pipe to be fixing. You're better off asking a plumber (or maybe Youtube? lol) for that one.
Hummingbird Meadows
10:05:59 Bird
@Dulcie, sounds like a job for a plumber.
Frog Judgment Acers
09:59:11 Dulcie/Crazy
Anyone on know about pipe fixing?
The main coming into the shared vacation cabin broke because it was left on over the winter by a relative
I think its like 2 or 3 inches & brass
Im planning to go up there soon & fix it but need to know what tools to bring
Tobiano Lady
09:52:17 Tobi | Nix
I'm glad you got something out of it as well!
Cloud Peak Stables
09:52:16 Cloud
And I'm happy to help with my own studs too <3 Bummer that my freebie straw was a color dud.
Cloud Peak Stables
09:49:22 Cloud
Of course <3 Glacialis looked promising and I loved his color. He not only landed high on the LB but he gave me lots of pretty foals too :)
Tobiano Lady
09:47:14 Tobi | Nix
*my studs & other people's studs. Should have clarified lol
Tobiano Lady
09:46:32 Tobi | Nix
Thank you again Cloud. I'm usually floundering a bit with studs so any amount of help is huge to me <3
Cloud Peak Stables
09:44:18 Cloud
lol oh no Tobi!
Tobiano Lady
09:38:51 Tobi | Nix
-HEE Click-
dodging your dad's tobi like it's an olympic sport

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7400
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3859
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7400
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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