Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Clear with Temps dropping into the Teens
Forecast:
Thu 03:43am  
Stables Online:  45 
Chatbox
Minerva
03:43:12 Min
Brindles are a random chance so usually mass breeding until one pops up is the way for that haha
Black Dragon Stable
03:42:22 BDS / Black / Stormy
lots of luck, honestly
Wild_Potatoes
03:41:21 
How do I breed a brindle for a quest?
Tobiano Lady
03:34:15 Tobi 👻
Same Noki
Black Dragon Stable
03:34:12 BDS / Black / Stormy
Somehow I managed to keep this account alive after my family shut off our internet to save money because I graduated highschool and no longer 'needed' a computer... or a phone for that matter.
Southmoon
03:33:50 Nori
To be fair to you guys, it's mainly just wild to me because my IRL horse is younger than your accounts lol
Kanenoki Estate
03:32:50 Noki
i think my first ever account on here was 2014 lol
Alpine Acres
03:31:59 Lily
how do you bookmark a forum post?
Black Dragon Stable
03:31:15 BDS / Black / Stormy
Now I feel old... I joined back in 2010...
Tobiano Lady
03:29:15 Tobi 👻
Can you believe it's been 10 years since 2015 .-.
Southmoon
03:22:03 Nori
ZEZ
Oh that's cool! I'll take your word that it's been a while, seeing as you joined in 2015 🤯
ZequineZ
03:09:54 ZEZ - ZZ
Ooo been a long time since I saw that marking
I name them after their looks a lot, my boy painted with gloss is cause he’s shiny lol
Southmoon
02:58:59 Nori
Anybody else named some of their captures based on markings?
-HEE Click- C-name bc she has C on her forehead
-HEE Click- Has the letters "IDA" on her neck
Minerva
02:43:09 Min
I love when dogs put themselves in weird positions to snuggle. Norm's currently upside down laid behind my back with his head on my head and he's having a dream 🤣🤣
Tobiano Lady
02:33:03 Tobi 👻
no problem Willow <3
God is Mighty Stable
02:32:24 Willow ~ KNN Breeder
Thank you Tobi
Two Trees Stables
02:31:21 Willow ~ TB Breeder
Yes, 🙂
Tobiano Lady
02:31:01 Tobi 👻
on God is Mighty?
Two Trees Stables
02:29:56 Willow ~ TB Breeder
Regular
Tobiano Lady
02:24:23 Tobi 👻
super or regular Willow?

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Minerva
03:43:12 Min
Brindles are a random chance so usually mass breeding until one pops up is the way for that haha
Black Dragon Stable
03:42:22 BDS / Black / Stormy
lots of luck, honestly
Wild_Potatoes
03:41:21 
How do I breed a brindle for a quest?
Tobiano Lady
03:34:15 Tobi 👻
Same Noki
Black Dragon Stable
03:34:12 BDS / Black / Stormy
Somehow I managed to keep this account alive after my family shut off our internet to save money because I graduated highschool and no longer 'needed' a computer... or a phone for that matter.
Southmoon
03:33:50 Nori
To be fair to you guys, it's mainly just wild to me because my IRL horse is younger than your accounts lol
Kanenoki Estate
03:32:50 Noki
i think my first ever account on here was 2014 lol
Alpine Acres
03:31:59 Lily
how do you bookmark a forum post?
Black Dragon Stable
03:31:15 BDS / Black / Stormy
Now I feel old... I joined back in 2010...
Tobiano Lady
03:29:15 Tobi 👻
Can you believe it's been 10 years since 2015 .-.
Southmoon
03:22:03 Nori
ZEZ
Oh that's cool! I'll take your word that it's been a while, seeing as you joined in 2015 🤯
ZequineZ
03:09:54 ZEZ - ZZ
Ooo been a long time since I saw that marking
I name them after their looks a lot, my boy painted with gloss is cause he’s shiny lol
Southmoon
02:58:59 Nori
Anybody else named some of their captures based on markings?
-HEE Click- C-name bc she has C on her forehead
-HEE Click- Has the letters "IDA" on her neck
Minerva
02:43:09 Min
I love when dogs put themselves in weird positions to snuggle. Norm's currently upside down laid behind my back with his head on my head and he's having a dream 🤣🤣
Tobiano Lady
02:33:03 Tobi 👻
no problem Willow <3
God is Mighty Stable
02:32:24 Willow ~ KNN Breeder
Thank you Tobi
Two Trees Stables
02:31:21 Willow ~ TB Breeder
Yes, 🙂
Tobiano Lady
02:31:01 Tobi 👻
on God is Mighty?
Two Trees Stables
02:29:56 Willow ~ TB Breeder
Regular
Tobiano Lady
02:24:23 Tobi 👻
super or regular Willow?

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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