Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
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Forecast: Afternoon Showers, Sleet Possible
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Wed 08:44am  
Stables Online:  96 
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Gem Queens Estate
08:40:44 Snow❆Gem
lol I'll try. ;P

Quest Level 5
Gamer
Win at the mini-game Money Hunt.

Completed: 0/5
Reward: 2,000 Eden Bucks 3,000Store Credits 1Capture Pass
Gem Queens Estate
08:36:44 Snow❆Gem
@angels

Yeah, I could see they were busy and backed up. Three 60+ guys waited like us no problem, but a 65+ old lady had to tell them she didn't like that someone was served before them who ordered AFTER them. O.o Doesn't she know some food is quicker to make?
Angels angels
08:33:36 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Geez gem that is dumb
Talen
08:33:23 
Highway driving > City driving
Gem Queens Estate
08:32:39 Snow❆Gem
Yesterday my family went on a short trip and had a snack at McDs... we waited almost 20 minutes for 3 wraps and a lemonade. O.o
Gem Queens Estate
08:31:54 Snow❆Gem
@angels

Ack! Highway sounds safer and 10 minutes isn't bad.
Angels angels
08:28:19 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Do I want to stay om the interstate all the way home and sit in traffic from a wreck for 10 minutes or get off early onto the highway and go through the city where no one knows how to drive? .-.
Gem Queens Estate
08:28:18 Snow❆Gem
@angels

lol OK? ;P
Angels angels
08:26:15 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Shhhh Gem
It isn't xD we don't talk about what day it is
Gem Queens Estate
08:22:16 Snow❆Gem
How is it already the 23rd?! O.o RO feels like it was about a week ago. LMAO
Journey Acres
08:21:26 Journie
Looking for roleplay partners. I'm flexible overall, shoot me a pm if you might be interested!
Gemstone Stable
08:15:24 Snow❆Gem
@myth

Morning! :)
Mythological
08:12:12 Crowley
Hey Ana
Angels angels
07:56:43 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I was doing quest breeding lol
Lilac Fields
07:54:19 Lillie
cool angel
Angels angels
07:51:56 [1k+ brindles] Angel
-HEE Click-
Oh wow *.*
Vancouver
07:27:05 Ana / Van
Woops, turned*
Vancouver
07:26:26 Ana / Van
-HEE Click-
This one :P
Vancouver
07:25:43 Ana / Van
Min
I had a girl like that, she turnen out Average xD
DearBorn Ranch
07:12:13 Louise
that is always so sad lol

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Gem Queens Estate
08:40:44 Snow❆Gem
lol I'll try. ;P

Quest Level 5
Gamer
Win at the mini-game Money Hunt.

Completed: 0/5
Reward: 2,000 Eden Bucks 3,000Store Credits 1Capture Pass
Gem Queens Estate
08:36:44 Snow❆Gem
@angels

Yeah, I could see they were busy and backed up. Three 60+ guys waited like us no problem, but a 65+ old lady had to tell them she didn't like that someone was served before them who ordered AFTER them. O.o Doesn't she know some food is quicker to make?
Angels angels
08:33:36 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Geez gem that is dumb
Talen
08:33:23 
Highway driving > City driving
Gem Queens Estate
08:32:39 Snow❆Gem
Yesterday my family went on a short trip and had a snack at McDs... we waited almost 20 minutes for 3 wraps and a lemonade. O.o
Gem Queens Estate
08:31:54 Snow❆Gem
@angels

Ack! Highway sounds safer and 10 minutes isn't bad.
Angels angels
08:28:19 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Do I want to stay om the interstate all the way home and sit in traffic from a wreck for 10 minutes or get off early onto the highway and go through the city where no one knows how to drive? .-.
Gem Queens Estate
08:28:18 Snow❆Gem
@angels

lol OK? ;P
Angels angels
08:26:15 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Shhhh Gem
It isn't xD we don't talk about what day it is
Gem Queens Estate
08:22:16 Snow❆Gem
How is it already the 23rd?! O.o RO feels like it was about a week ago. LMAO
Journey Acres
08:21:26 Journie
Looking for roleplay partners. I'm flexible overall, shoot me a pm if you might be interested!
Gemstone Stable
08:15:24 Snow❆Gem
@myth

Morning! :)
Mythological
08:12:12 Crowley
Hey Ana
Angels angels
07:56:43 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I was doing quest breeding lol
Lilac Fields
07:54:19 Lillie
cool angel
Angels angels
07:51:56 [1k+ brindles] Angel
-HEE Click-
Oh wow *.*
Vancouver
07:27:05 Ana / Van
Woops, turned*
Vancouver
07:26:26 Ana / Van
-HEE Click-
This one :P
Vancouver
07:25:43 Ana / Van
Min
I had a girl like that, she turnen out Average xD
DearBorn Ranch
07:12:13 Louise
that is always so sad lol

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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