Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Fri 05:24am  
Stables Online:  37 
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Boulder Creek
05:20:47 
I didn't know that horses had a superman stance
-Click-
Nightingales Ridge
05:14:33 Issy
Whaaaat now hulks gone? Aw man
ZequineZ
04:40:40 ZEZ - ZZ
My accountant rejected my advances :(
Nightingales Ridge
04:30:56 Issy
Gemstone I like it...if it based on looks its a faulty microwave that turned him crisp ;)
Nightingales Ridge
04:29:49 Issy
Accountant*
Nightingales Ridge
04:29:39 Issy
My accounting gifting me love potion is a sign he loves it
ZequineZ
04:23:23 ZEZ - ZZ
Definitely worth keeping in my opinion lol
Galloping_Gems
04:20:50 Gemstone
I spaced off and was looking at google for a name and I looked back and I had typed microwave, I was laughing to hard to change it so I left it πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
ZequineZ
04:19:41 ZEZ - ZZ
Hey look maybe it means something πŸ˜‚
Galloping_Gems
04:18:30 Gemstone
-HEE Click-
Guys, this boys name πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ what the fuck is wrong with my brainπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
ZequineZ
04:14:27 ZEZ - ZZ
I successfully got Nigel all cleaned πŸ’ͺ🏼
ZequineZ
04:11:48 ZEZ - ZZ
It does kinda haha

This ones gonna look so good when she grows up
-HEE Click-
Wild_Potatoes
04:08:11 
-HEE Click-
Flaxen and red roan look so cute together. Kinda like a strawberry cookie or something like that that πŸ˜‚
Alpine Acres
04:04:24 Lily
ZZ
he is xD
ZequineZ
04:04:08 ZEZ - ZZ
Ooo he’s fancy lily
ZequineZ
04:03:39 ZEZ - ZZ
All my first horses are looong passed πŸ₯² I still have some straws I hold onto but best I ever did at the time was PEE so theyre just for questing
Alpine Acres
04:03:16 Lily
-HEE Click-
love the ones with dapples :D
Wild_Potatoes
04:02:14 
Major win Zez
Wild_Potatoes
04:01:00 
-HEE Click-
Makes me sad to see some of my first horses so old πŸ₯²
ZequineZ
04:00:45 ZEZ - ZZ
This little girly got some cute dapples and she’s not a browns/bay/buckskin so win win
-HEE Click-

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Boulder Creek
05:20:47 
I didn't know that horses had a superman stance
-Click-
Nightingales Ridge
05:14:33 Issy
Whaaaat now hulks gone? Aw man
ZequineZ
04:40:40 ZEZ - ZZ
My accountant rejected my advances :(
Nightingales Ridge
04:30:56 Issy
Gemstone I like it...if it based on looks its a faulty microwave that turned him crisp ;)
Nightingales Ridge
04:29:49 Issy
Accountant*
Nightingales Ridge
04:29:39 Issy
My accounting gifting me love potion is a sign he loves it
ZequineZ
04:23:23 ZEZ - ZZ
Definitely worth keeping in my opinion lol
Galloping_Gems
04:20:50 Gemstone
I spaced off and was looking at google for a name and I looked back and I had typed microwave, I was laughing to hard to change it so I left it πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
ZequineZ
04:19:41 ZEZ - ZZ
Hey look maybe it means something πŸ˜‚
Galloping_Gems
04:18:30 Gemstone
-HEE Click-
Guys, this boys name πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ what the fuck is wrong with my brainπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
ZequineZ
04:14:27 ZEZ - ZZ
I successfully got Nigel all cleaned πŸ’ͺ🏼
ZequineZ
04:11:48 ZEZ - ZZ
It does kinda haha

This ones gonna look so good when she grows up
-HEE Click-
Wild_Potatoes
04:08:11 
-HEE Click-
Flaxen and red roan look so cute together. Kinda like a strawberry cookie or something like that that πŸ˜‚
Alpine Acres
04:04:24 Lily
ZZ
he is xD
ZequineZ
04:04:08 ZEZ - ZZ
Ooo he’s fancy lily
ZequineZ
04:03:39 ZEZ - ZZ
All my first horses are looong passed πŸ₯² I still have some straws I hold onto but best I ever did at the time was PEE so theyre just for questing
Alpine Acres
04:03:16 Lily
-HEE Click-
love the ones with dapples :D
Wild_Potatoes
04:02:14 
Major win Zez
Wild_Potatoes
04:01:00 
-HEE Click-
Makes me sad to see some of my first horses so old πŸ₯²
ZequineZ
04:00:45 ZEZ - ZZ
This little girly got some cute dapples and she’s not a browns/bay/buckskin so win win
-HEE Click-

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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