Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Bright Sunshine with a few High Clouds
Forecast:
Tue 01:01pm  
Stables Online:  124 
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Sunset River Arabian
01:00:33 Athena - AAs
Sun
No
Eyrie of the Stars
01:00:22 Eyrie
Sun no. Brindle is random.
Black Meadow Estate
12:59:14 Meadow
-HEE Click-
Thoughts on this will be using a hrt glass
Sun Barn
12:55:03 
Does Brindle pass down to babys?
MakeEm Fancy
12:52:28 Ally 💜
This is the third horse in explorer that hasnt found rusty bits and I have a quest to complete <.<
Sunset River Arabian
12:49:34 Athena - AAs
I should catch up on all my palettes. I have at least 20 art pieces that need one lol
Alpine Acres
12:41:35 Lily
Night all
Calela Eventing
12:40:40 Cali
Oh well, I'm going to go now. Enjoy having no Stained Glass horses in raid lol
Alpine Acres
12:40:31 Lily
Cali
we appreciate your generosity :D
Calela Eventing
12:39:18 Cali
Can't get over the 6 Stained glass horse pieces I've put in over these few rounds
Love putting in good things.
Its giving Eve
Alpine Acres
12:38:05 Lily
me too lol
Calela Eventing
12:37:26 Cali
Thanks! You too, Alpine (winks in all knowingness of Red being Alpines other acc)
Love typing to the same people as if they're on different accs
Alpine Acres
12:36:46 Lily
Good luck Cali :)
Redwood Ridge
12:36:28 
Cali
oooh that's exciting! Good luck!
Calela Eventing
12:35:23 Cali
Alpine
That's great! I'm using my first WWW straw
I have such expectations... that I am going to be disappointed by knowing RF but its fineeeeee
Alpine Acres
12:34:15 Lily
Cali
I'm also really excited, going to be using an embryo for the first time :)
Calela Eventing
12:33:07 Cali
Can't wait for RO
Have some big plans... and just realised I typed this on the wrong acc oops. Meant to be from Cali but whatever
WRS Sweet Hollow
12:27:39 
Oh! Cool!
Sunset River Arabian
12:27:33 Athena - AAs
I'm honestly not looking forward to RO. I don't know why
Milo Ridge
12:24:47 Calis SA
You use it to help with certain aspects of your horses training.
For example is you breed two horses together but they both suck in Movement then you put a Movement glass into the breeding so the foal will be better

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Sunset River Arabian
01:00:33 Athena - AAs
Sun
No
Eyrie of the Stars
01:00:22 Eyrie
Sun no. Brindle is random.
Black Meadow Estate
12:59:14 Meadow
-HEE Click-
Thoughts on this will be using a hrt glass
Sun Barn
12:55:03 
Does Brindle pass down to babys?
MakeEm Fancy
12:52:28 Ally 💜
This is the third horse in explorer that hasnt found rusty bits and I have a quest to complete <.<
Sunset River Arabian
12:49:34 Athena - AAs
I should catch up on all my palettes. I have at least 20 art pieces that need one lol
Alpine Acres
12:41:35 Lily
Night all
Calela Eventing
12:40:40 Cali
Oh well, I'm going to go now. Enjoy having no Stained Glass horses in raid lol
Alpine Acres
12:40:31 Lily
Cali
we appreciate your generosity :D
Calela Eventing
12:39:18 Cali
Can't get over the 6 Stained glass horse pieces I've put in over these few rounds
Love putting in good things.
Its giving Eve
Alpine Acres
12:38:05 Lily
me too lol
Calela Eventing
12:37:26 Cali
Thanks! You too, Alpine (winks in all knowingness of Red being Alpines other acc)
Love typing to the same people as if they're on different accs
Alpine Acres
12:36:46 Lily
Good luck Cali :)
Redwood Ridge
12:36:28 
Cali
oooh that's exciting! Good luck!
Calela Eventing
12:35:23 Cali
Alpine
That's great! I'm using my first WWW straw
I have such expectations... that I am going to be disappointed by knowing RF but its fineeeeee
Alpine Acres
12:34:15 Lily
Cali
I'm also really excited, going to be using an embryo for the first time :)
Calela Eventing
12:33:07 Cali
Can't wait for RO
Have some big plans... and just realised I typed this on the wrong acc oops. Meant to be from Cali but whatever
WRS Sweet Hollow
12:27:39 
Oh! Cool!
Sunset River Arabian
12:27:33 Athena - AAs
I'm honestly not looking forward to RO. I don't know why
Milo Ridge
12:24:47 Calis SA
You use it to help with certain aspects of your horses training.
For example is you breed two horses together but they both suck in Movement then you put a Movement glass into the breeding so the foal will be better

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3843
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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