Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Breezy and Pleasant
Forecast:
Tue 10:01am  
Stables Online:  100 
Chatbox
Sunfeather
10:01:05 SF
This is my only black chestnut <3. Love him!
-HEE Click-
Calela Eventing
10:00:05 Cali
SF
I can imagine! I can't believe it took me so long to see one
Glacier Bay Cove
09:59:04 Arctic Katz
Can I join your black chestnut program, Cali
Sunfeather
09:58:34 SF
I love black chestnuts! So hard to get ahold of one though lol
Calela Eventing
09:58:05 Cali
I've finally seen a black chestnut in the game and I am starting a black chestnut program!
I'm in LOVE
Glacier Bay Cove
09:46:50 Arctic Katz
Neither do I, Em
Insignia Elites
09:46:20 Em
I need to stop spending ebs, I have no self control
ShiningStar Stables
09:45:53 Chey / Star
I'm excited for this guy! His father passed away and now he will finally give me a WWW XD
-HEE Click-
Glacier Bay Cove
09:42:51 Arctic Katz
Back to slaving my horses to earn ebs
Insignia Elites
09:41:44 Em
I cannot capture a PP or PPP to save my life xD These two quests are gonna be there forever
Snitches' Stitches
09:30:25 Snitch
Humidity ranges from 80-40 here so oh well. Supposed to rain from friday til wednesday but we'll see
Snitches' Stitches
09:29:12 Snitch
Sittin pretty in Ohio. We'll get into the low 80s today
Angels angels
09:28:16 [1k+ brindles] Angel
82 right now with 75% humidity. Feels like 93 and the high today is 95 lol
Sleepwalker Centre
09:27:06 Walker
ooof, Georgia, I believe it!! I'm in Maine
Sleepwalker Centre
09:26:51 Walker
And humidity under 70%, ooooooo
Angels angels
09:26:31 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Nah summer in Georgia it gets hot the second the sun starts coming up
Sleepwalker Centre
09:26:29 Walker
It's not going to get very hot here today, only mid-70's F
Snitches' Stitches
09:24:36 Snitch
It'll get hot around 1 here, but for now it's been lovely. We even had the windows open earlier
Angels angels
09:23:03 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Its hot here lol
Sleepwalker Centre
09:22:37 Walker
Snitch, same here! Beautifulll

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Sunfeather
10:01:05 SF
This is my only black chestnut <3. Love him!
-HEE Click-
Calela Eventing
10:00:05 Cali
SF
I can imagine! I can't believe it took me so long to see one
Glacier Bay Cove
09:59:04 Arctic Katz
Can I join your black chestnut program, Cali
Sunfeather
09:58:34 SF
I love black chestnuts! So hard to get ahold of one though lol
Calela Eventing
09:58:05 Cali
I've finally seen a black chestnut in the game and I am starting a black chestnut program!
I'm in LOVE
Glacier Bay Cove
09:46:50 Arctic Katz
Neither do I, Em
Insignia Elites
09:46:20 Em
I need to stop spending ebs, I have no self control
ShiningStar Stables
09:45:53 Chey / Star
I'm excited for this guy! His father passed away and now he will finally give me a WWW XD
-HEE Click-
Glacier Bay Cove
09:42:51 Arctic Katz
Back to slaving my horses to earn ebs
Insignia Elites
09:41:44 Em
I cannot capture a PP or PPP to save my life xD These two quests are gonna be there forever
Snitches' Stitches
09:30:25 Snitch
Humidity ranges from 80-40 here so oh well. Supposed to rain from friday til wednesday but we'll see
Snitches' Stitches
09:29:12 Snitch
Sittin pretty in Ohio. We'll get into the low 80s today
Angels angels
09:28:16 [1k+ brindles] Angel
82 right now with 75% humidity. Feels like 93 and the high today is 95 lol
Sleepwalker Centre
09:27:06 Walker
ooof, Georgia, I believe it!! I'm in Maine
Sleepwalker Centre
09:26:51 Walker
And humidity under 70%, ooooooo
Angels angels
09:26:31 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Nah summer in Georgia it gets hot the second the sun starts coming up
Sleepwalker Centre
09:26:29 Walker
It's not going to get very hot here today, only mid-70's F
Snitches' Stitches
09:24:36 Snitch
It'll get hot around 1 here, but for now it's been lovely. We even had the windows open earlier
Angels angels
09:23:03 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Its hot here lol
Sleepwalker Centre
09:22:37 Walker
Snitch, same here! Beautifulll

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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