Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
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Stables Online:  85 
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KPH Equestrian
10:42:40 Rapcoon | Jester
mythy
awww<3 they're the best!
Mythological
10:41:50 Crowley
Just her in general! I grew up with a border collie!
KPH Equestrian
10:40:31 Rapcoon | Jester
mythy
what, the second pic of her? xD
Mythological
10:39:49 Crowley
Flea
The Border collie mix >.>
Pegasus Lane
10:39:34 Peggy (or) Peg
I second riding her to find it!
She needs to take responsibility 😂😂
Mythological
10:39:14 Crowley
Almost forget to give a dog it's medicine Dx
Morning Glory Farms
10:34:54 Terici/Dino/Trish
I have a side by side i can look for it with but i may just make my mare pack me around to find it maybe she will think twice on loosing it again
KPH Equestrian
10:33:08 Rapcoon | Jester
Arctic
just my friends new rescue kitten ;D
pandemoniu_m
10:32:23 pheezy
ah yeah for some reason i was thinking there was like 5 maybe 6 poses. well maybe not ALL the models ^^'
Glacier Bay Cove
10:32:21 Arctic Katz
Do you have any new news, Rapcoon. I am following your news channel
KPH Equestrian
10:31:41 Rapcoon | Jester
mythy
-HEE Click-

marsh
awhaha I'm glad you liked them!<3
KPH Equestrian
10:31:08 Rapcoon | Jester
I imagine its cuz there's only, what, 2 dozen different foal decor color and pose combos? And easily more than that of JUST tobi patterns; it'd still be a shitload of work
Ponies heaven
10:31:06 Pera/ peral
It’s been a hot minute.. lol
Mythological
10:30:21 Crowley
Flea
No...?
starmutt
10:29:39 marsh 🌈
Rapcoon
I'll have you know the pet photos you sent have so much sass I love them.
pandemoniu_m
10:29:16 pheezy
weren't used*
KPH Equestrian
10:29:02 Rapcoon | Jester
lone star
nah. Its been suggested though :P
pandemoniu_m
10:28:58 pheezy
i wonder why the explore/decor foal models were used as bases for the foals in game. like every breed could still end up with any one of the models at random, and you could use your rerolls to reroll said model maybe. just too much work to draw every pattern/color on every one or it'd disrupt the uniform look of all the foals looking the same i assume
KPH Equestrian
10:28:39 Rapcoon | Jester
lol mythy

you seen my 'news channel'?
Mythological
10:22:13 Crowley
It was in a game lmao

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KPH Equestrian
10:42:40 Rapcoon | Jester
mythy
awww<3 they're the best!
Mythological
10:41:50 Crowley
Just her in general! I grew up with a border collie!
KPH Equestrian
10:40:31 Rapcoon | Jester
mythy
what, the second pic of her? xD
Mythological
10:39:49 Crowley
Flea
The Border collie mix >.>
Pegasus Lane
10:39:34 Peggy (or) Peg
I second riding her to find it!
She needs to take responsibility 😂😂
Mythological
10:39:14 Crowley
Almost forget to give a dog it's medicine Dx
Morning Glory Farms
10:34:54 Terici/Dino/Trish
I have a side by side i can look for it with but i may just make my mare pack me around to find it maybe she will think twice on loosing it again
KPH Equestrian
10:33:08 Rapcoon | Jester
Arctic
just my friends new rescue kitten ;D
pandemoniu_m
10:32:23 pheezy
ah yeah for some reason i was thinking there was like 5 maybe 6 poses. well maybe not ALL the models ^^'
Glacier Bay Cove
10:32:21 Arctic Katz
Do you have any new news, Rapcoon. I am following your news channel
KPH Equestrian
10:31:41 Rapcoon | Jester
mythy
-HEE Click-

marsh
awhaha I'm glad you liked them!<3
KPH Equestrian
10:31:08 Rapcoon | Jester
I imagine its cuz there's only, what, 2 dozen different foal decor color and pose combos? And easily more than that of JUST tobi patterns; it'd still be a shitload of work
Ponies heaven
10:31:06 Pera/ peral
It’s been a hot minute.. lol
Mythological
10:30:21 Crowley
Flea
No...?
starmutt
10:29:39 marsh 🌈
Rapcoon
I'll have you know the pet photos you sent have so much sass I love them.
pandemoniu_m
10:29:16 pheezy
weren't used*
KPH Equestrian
10:29:02 Rapcoon | Jester
lone star
nah. Its been suggested though :P
pandemoniu_m
10:28:58 pheezy
i wonder why the explore/decor foal models were used as bases for the foals in game. like every breed could still end up with any one of the models at random, and you could use your rerolls to reroll said model maybe. just too much work to draw every pattern/color on every one or it'd disrupt the uniform look of all the foals looking the same i assume
KPH Equestrian
10:28:39 Rapcoon | Jester
lol mythy

you seen my 'news channel'?
Mythological
10:22:13 Crowley
It was in a game lmao

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than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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