Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
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Forecast: Clear with Temps dropping into the Teens
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Stables Online:  99 
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Crestwood Eq.
01:21:19 Ivy / poison ivy
Angel

oof. I have a splitting headache
Angels angels
01:21:05 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ivy
Tired. I am at work lol
Pinewood Equestrain
01:20:40 Pine(Also Sunset+Oak
Those geldings are beautiful
Crestwood Eq.
01:20:14 Ivy / poison ivy
Angel

how are ya
Angels angels
01:19:52 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I know right lol
Crestwood Eq.
01:19:29 Ivy / poison ivy
they twins.
Angels angels
01:18:44 [1k+ brindles] Angel
-HEE Click-
This dude is my newer one
-HEE Click-
And this one could pass any week ;-;
Crestwood Eq.
01:18:04 Ivy / poison ivy
and the rest went to angel
Crestwood Eq.
01:17:45 Ivy / poison ivy
Brindle 2

-HEE Click-
Crestwood Eq.
01:17:12 Ivy / poison ivy
Brindle 1

-HEE Click-
Crestwood Eq.
01:16:41 Ivy / poison ivy
Angel

*o*
Angels angels
01:16:29 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I also have two brindle manchados
Crestwood Eq.
01:15:17 Ivy / poison ivy
hello loves
Second Chance Ranch
01:15:10 
-HEE Click- just bred him lol
Pinewood Equestrain
01:14:29 Pine(Also Sunset+Oak
This one and -HEE Click-

-HEE Click-
This :)
Angels angels
01:13:40 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I know of one other one, but probably less than 10 if not less than 5
Pinewood Equestrain
01:13:31 Pine(Also Sunset+Oak
I actually have 2 brindles!
Second Chance Ranch
01:13:21 
I wonder how many there are in the game
Angels angels
01:12:28 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Second
Yes sadly. They aren't very common lol

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Crestwood Eq.
01:21:19 Ivy / poison ivy
Angel

oof. I have a splitting headache
Angels angels
01:21:05 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Ivy
Tired. I am at work lol
Pinewood Equestrain
01:20:40 Pine(Also Sunset+Oak
Those geldings are beautiful
Crestwood Eq.
01:20:14 Ivy / poison ivy
Angel

how are ya
Angels angels
01:19:52 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I know right lol
Crestwood Eq.
01:19:29 Ivy / poison ivy
they twins.
Angels angels
01:18:44 [1k+ brindles] Angel
-HEE Click-
This dude is my newer one
-HEE Click-
And this one could pass any week ;-;
Crestwood Eq.
01:18:04 Ivy / poison ivy
and the rest went to angel
Crestwood Eq.
01:17:45 Ivy / poison ivy
Brindle 2

-HEE Click-
Crestwood Eq.
01:17:12 Ivy / poison ivy
Brindle 1

-HEE Click-
Crestwood Eq.
01:16:41 Ivy / poison ivy
Angel

*o*
Angels angels
01:16:29 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I also have two brindle manchados
Crestwood Eq.
01:15:17 Ivy / poison ivy
hello loves
Second Chance Ranch
01:15:10 
-HEE Click- just bred him lol
Pinewood Equestrain
01:14:29 Pine(Also Sunset+Oak
This one and -HEE Click-

-HEE Click-
This :)
Angels angels
01:13:40 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I know of one other one, but probably less than 10 if not less than 5
Pinewood Equestrain
01:13:31 Pine(Also Sunset+Oak
I actually have 2 brindles!
Second Chance Ranch
01:13:21 
I wonder how many there are in the game
Angels angels
01:12:28 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Second
Yes sadly. They aren't very common lol

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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