Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
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Forecast: Overcast and Calm
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Stables Online:  109 
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Angels angels
03:56:21 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Since she is a WWW she is probably going to be all up week 4 so you won't be able to match her until week 7 atleast lol. You could either yolo it and throw her to a random ABLB dude or wait to breed her
pandemoniu_m
03:53:43 pheezy
-HEE Click-
Not sure how im gonna match my capture day girl. Can I trust Wk4 stats when she hits it? Otherwise might just throw her at my EWW stud again until her training shows more. 😬
Black Dragon Stable
03:23:54 BDS / Black / Stormy
It's just baking powder! Doesn't even come with strong scents to burn their poor little noses.
Black Dragon Stable
03:23:14 BDS / Black / Stormy
My cats are spazzing. I put down (pet safe) carpet powder to deodorize the carpet to finish vacuuming and you would think I laid down some white death.
Wild_Potatoes
03:22:03 
Im feeling the same
Angels angels
03:21:40 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I got lucky to find another brindle Manchado lol my other boy is 21 now
Angels angels
03:19:24 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I am afraid I am not going to get another one before she passes
Angels angels
03:18:18 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Wild
I feel that. My chimmy brindle is getting old
Wild_Potatoes
03:14:55 
-HEE Click-
This makes me sad to see her getting old to
Black Dragon Stable
03:14:16 BDS / Black / Stormy
I was not a happy camper with my doctor. She insisted that she could handle my case when all I wanted was a referral to a high risk doctor.
Angels angels
03:10:34 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I believe it is just straight glucose syrup lol
MakeEm Fancy
03:10:21 Ally 💜
I have heard orange was the go to. I was going to pick orange cause I had an appointment scheduled and that didnt happen
Black Dragon Stable
03:09:45 BDS / Black / Stormy
I was given orange... I don't care for orange. But surprisingly, it was one of the only things that went down easy and stayed down while I was expecting.
Green River Stables
03:08:40 
That sucks BDS! I'm 29 wks preggers so I get the joys of doing it lol

I did the lemon lime flavor, it did not taste like lemon lime
Green River Stables
03:07:46 
Angel
It was like chugging syrup almost... Lol
Black Dragon Stable
03:07:34 BDS / Black / Stormy
This was while I was expecting.
Sunni
03:07:15 Sunni bunny
Green I hated those drinks I tired both flavors.
The fruit punch one was awful I felt so sick.
Black Dragon Stable
03:07:05 BDS / Black / Stormy
My doctor was insistent that I was diabetic, so I had to do the glucose test and came back as not diabetic and she was so mad at being wrong that she wanted me to test again... and again.

She's not my doctor any more.
MakeEm Fancy
03:07:02 Ally 💜
I never had to do it but I have heard its gross
Angels angels
03:06:38 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Green
Oh I have heard it is nasty lol

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Angels angels
03:56:21 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Since she is a WWW she is probably going to be all up week 4 so you won't be able to match her until week 7 atleast lol. You could either yolo it and throw her to a random ABLB dude or wait to breed her
pandemoniu_m
03:53:43 pheezy
-HEE Click-
Not sure how im gonna match my capture day girl. Can I trust Wk4 stats when she hits it? Otherwise might just throw her at my EWW stud again until her training shows more. 😬
Black Dragon Stable
03:23:54 BDS / Black / Stormy
It's just baking powder! Doesn't even come with strong scents to burn their poor little noses.
Black Dragon Stable
03:23:14 BDS / Black / Stormy
My cats are spazzing. I put down (pet safe) carpet powder to deodorize the carpet to finish vacuuming and you would think I laid down some white death.
Wild_Potatoes
03:22:03 
Im feeling the same
Angels angels
03:21:40 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I got lucky to find another brindle Manchado lol my other boy is 21 now
Angels angels
03:19:24 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I am afraid I am not going to get another one before she passes
Angels angels
03:18:18 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Wild
I feel that. My chimmy brindle is getting old
Wild_Potatoes
03:14:55 
-HEE Click-
This makes me sad to see her getting old to
Black Dragon Stable
03:14:16 BDS / Black / Stormy
I was not a happy camper with my doctor. She insisted that she could handle my case when all I wanted was a referral to a high risk doctor.
Angels angels
03:10:34 [1k+ brindles] Angel
I believe it is just straight glucose syrup lol
MakeEm Fancy
03:10:21 Ally 💜
I have heard orange was the go to. I was going to pick orange cause I had an appointment scheduled and that didnt happen
Black Dragon Stable
03:09:45 BDS / Black / Stormy
I was given orange... I don't care for orange. But surprisingly, it was one of the only things that went down easy and stayed down while I was expecting.
Green River Stables
03:08:40 
That sucks BDS! I'm 29 wks preggers so I get the joys of doing it lol

I did the lemon lime flavor, it did not taste like lemon lime
Green River Stables
03:07:46 
Angel
It was like chugging syrup almost... Lol
Black Dragon Stable
03:07:34 BDS / Black / Stormy
This was while I was expecting.
Sunni
03:07:15 Sunni bunny
Green I hated those drinks I tired both flavors.
The fruit punch one was awful I felt so sick.
Black Dragon Stable
03:07:05 BDS / Black / Stormy
My doctor was insistent that I was diabetic, so I had to do the glucose test and came back as not diabetic and she was so mad at being wrong that she wanted me to test again... and again.

She's not my doctor any more.
MakeEm Fancy
03:07:02 Ally 💜
I never had to do it but I have heard its gross
Angels angels
03:06:38 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Green
Oh I have heard it is nasty lol

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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