Horse Eden Eventing Game
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Rancho Redondo
05:37:16 Trini
TB PPP+ (Some Gene Tested) Color Studs and Upcoming Studs to Watch for Next Season!! 500 EBS No Breeding Reqs!!

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Pearlescent Shores
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Two WWE combo AA mares for sale! Both quite strong, just have other priorities right now.
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Also have an auction with EEE-EWE AA mares, colts and gelds starting soon with cheap SBs: -HEE Click-
NightClan
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Art auction up!
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ZequineZ
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Huge clear out auction, Just 2 hours left!
PEE mares, WEP brindle mare. Mix of ISH PON RID WB
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Black Meadow Estate
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Rusty bits and maps for sale returning buyers get 5% off
DaisyMeadowEventing
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Valhalla Acreage
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Maps and decor for sale all cheaper than current market price returning buyers get 10% off
Grimm Acres
03:56:38 Grimmi
iso 3 month upgrade pm me ebs ready :)
Devils Acres Stables
03:37:04 Beetle
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Lots of pretty and nicely rated horses! All sorts of breeds.
It's A Cinch
03:11:37 Sasha - Sash
I'm new but would anyone like to buy my grey/white sport horse mare?

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Rancho Redondo
05:37:16 Trini
TB PPP+ (Some Gene Tested) Color Studs and Upcoming Studs to Watch for Next Season!! 500 EBS No Breeding Reqs!!

-HEE Click-
Pearlescent Shores
04:52:43 Bin/Bingus
Two WWE combo AA mares for sale! Both quite strong, just have other priorities right now.
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-

Also have an auction with EEE-EWE AA mares, colts and gelds starting soon with cheap SBs: -HEE Click-
NightClan
04:30:49 Night
Art auction up!
-HEE Click-
ZequineZ
04:19:30 ZEZ - ZZ
Huge clear out auction, Just 2 hours left!
PEE mares, WEP brindle mare. Mix of ISH PON RID WB
-HEE Click-
Black Meadow Estate
04:02:09 Meadow
-HEE Click-
Rusty bits and maps for sale returning buyers get 5% off
DaisyMeadowEventing
04:00:43 Daisy/ DM♡
-HEE Click-
Valhalla Acreage
04:00:12 Eivor
-HEE Click-
Maps and decor for sale all cheaper than current market price returning buyers get 10% off
Grimm Acres
03:56:38 Grimmi
iso 3 month upgrade pm me ebs ready :)
Devils Acres Stables
03:37:04 Beetle
-HEE Click-
Lots of pretty and nicely rated horses! All sorts of breeds.
It's A Cinch
03:11:37 Sasha - Sash
I'm new but would anyone like to buy my grey/white sport horse mare?

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7401
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3859
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7401
#1206076
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FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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