Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 191   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Sunshine with a Solar Eclipse
Forecast:
Mon 01:25pm  
Stables Online:  128 
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Looking Glass Stable
01:25:43 IA Glass 👋
That's my favorite Palomino variation ♡
Moonrise Stables
01:25:39 
*good XD
Moonrise Stables
01:25:32 
-HEE Click-
is that a goog week 4?
Drafty Acres
01:20:37 Mo
Anna, she's lovely!
Sweet Valley
01:17:04 Anna
-HEE Click-

That's a strange palomino color!
Dirty Paws
01:16:28 ♘Tosk
oh nice
-HEE Click-
Angels angels
01:09:33 [1k+ brindles] Angel
My other cat (not the one that was screaming) loves when I play music. Any time I start playing music he has to run over to me and where it is playing from and rub all over me and everything around lol
Pentagram Stables
01:08:59 Penta - KNNs
It probably won't be good.
Sweet Valley
01:08:03 Anna
-HEE Click-

Pretty girl.. I wonder the rating?
Sweet Valley
01:06:07 Anna
-HEE Click-

My very first Peacock!
The Joker
12:59:46 Ari <3
Oh my goodness my header looks different
Angels angels
12:58:08 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Green
Yeah sadly. I am trying to work it out of my stock this RO though
Greenheart Stables
12:57:31 Green|Gren|Grenlin
@Angel
Its unavoidable unfortunately
Angels angels
12:56:11 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Damn Sabino but yay tobi lol
Greenheart Stables
12:55:10 Green|Gren|Grenlin
-HEE Click-
+ Sevn
Sweet Valley
12:54:44 Anna
"Capture a triple superb bay horse
Sweet Valley
12:54:27 Anna
Oh boy I think I got the hardest quest yet
Peachy
12:47:10 peach | abbi
angel
that is so interesting!
Red Panda Hollow
12:44:43 Athena's SA-PON
Whoo! Finally premium here! Lets home my 200 new showers can let me repurchase it in 6 months lol
Angels angels
12:44:18 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Maybe I will use svens for my WWW girls next RO
we will see how I feel lol

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Looking Glass Stable
01:25:43 IA Glass 👋
That's my favorite Palomino variation ♡
Moonrise Stables
01:25:39 
*good XD
Moonrise Stables
01:25:32 
-HEE Click-
is that a goog week 4?
Drafty Acres
01:20:37 Mo
Anna, she's lovely!
Sweet Valley
01:17:04 Anna
-HEE Click-

That's a strange palomino color!
Dirty Paws
01:16:28 ♘Tosk
oh nice
-HEE Click-
Angels angels
01:09:33 [1k+ brindles] Angel
My other cat (not the one that was screaming) loves when I play music. Any time I start playing music he has to run over to me and where it is playing from and rub all over me and everything around lol
Pentagram Stables
01:08:59 Penta - KNNs
It probably won't be good.
Sweet Valley
01:08:03 Anna
-HEE Click-

Pretty girl.. I wonder the rating?
Sweet Valley
01:06:07 Anna
-HEE Click-

My very first Peacock!
The Joker
12:59:46 Ari <3
Oh my goodness my header looks different
Angels angels
12:58:08 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Green
Yeah sadly. I am trying to work it out of my stock this RO though
Greenheart Stables
12:57:31 Green|Gren|Grenlin
@Angel
Its unavoidable unfortunately
Angels angels
12:56:11 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Damn Sabino but yay tobi lol
Greenheart Stables
12:55:10 Green|Gren|Grenlin
-HEE Click-
+ Sevn
Sweet Valley
12:54:44 Anna
"Capture a triple superb bay horse
Sweet Valley
12:54:27 Anna
Oh boy I think I got the hardest quest yet
Peachy
12:47:10 peach | abbi
angel
that is so interesting!
Red Panda Hollow
12:44:43 Athena's SA-PON
Whoo! Finally premium here! Lets home my 200 new showers can let me repurchase it in 6 months lol
Angels angels
12:44:18 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Maybe I will use svens for my WWW girls next RO
we will see how I feel lol

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3827
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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