For me it doesn't just happen there has to be something that causes it to happen. Like him running at a jump and then refusing or running out... it doesn't scare me because I'm used to it but then I start to expect it to happen and he takes advantage of that. After a few runouts and straight up galloping down 6 stride lines in 4, or my trainer yelling "I CAN MAKE MAKE HIM SPOOK MACE" and running at him and rattling the jump standard when I cantered past so he would buck and run off, will trigger it. I need to talk to my trainer this Wednesday about what's happening so she can work it out in a way other than running at my horse to make him spook and buck and gallop off.

I'll be fine as long as she understands and gives me small breaks when I get like that to calm myself down and just take a moment because I can cope with it fine if she lets me have a minute

I obviously don't know you, your horse, or your situation but if you're expecting him to run out then I'm guessing you probably don't trust him. You can't improve on a horse that you don't trust. Especially if you're suffering from anxiety.

I'm not sure if you own the horse or if he is a lesson horse. But maybe it's time for a change of mount or a change of trainer, this may allow you to build confidence and overcome your anxiety by taking away what's causing it. You want to enjoy your riding, you shouldn't have to put up with anxiety. Nobody should!

Another suggestion; please have a chat with a specialist or sports psychologist who can help you take the correct steps towards beating your anxiety. And a little secret; a LOT of the best riders have sports psychologists in their corners.

I don't want to come across too strongly, this is just my advice and as I said, I know nothing about you or your situation really. You do not at all have to agree with me or take my advice.

Good luck, though, and I hope you figure it out!

I have to agree with Mediterranean there.

Its not safe for you or for the horse, this can turn to be very very dangerous for either of you, and iam sure you dont want anything happening to you or the horse. Instead of riding i would suggest to do groundwork for a few weeks with the horse, so you can learn to trust the horse and the horse you. Trust is the key to riding, if one of you dont trust the other the riding will not be a pleasure for either of you. And if you get a attack whilst the horse refuses a jump or the running out, you need to stop doing that, meaning stop the jumping for a while, cause you getting a attack whilst the horse does that will get one of you or maybe even both eventually hurt with broken bones. Maybe jumping is not for you or for the horse, i really think groundwork for a month or two and maybe some little riding in the forest will do you both very good.

And i also agree with changing the trainer even though iam all for strong loud trainers as they the once you proper learn from however it doesnt seem like you trust the trainer and if you dont trust the trainer there is no point and once again its dangerous. Also that trainer seems to be a little to agressive for my liking as she makes the horse spook on purpose thats sooooo damn wrong and any proper horse person will agree with me on that. It will actually make the horse crazy. If i would be there i would actually slap that trainer for doing that.

Psychologist is a very good idea, there is no shame in seeing one, i have been seeing one for years also for Anxiety, and yes some of the most talented riders out there have one at hand. When i was younger i was riding for the team of my stable and also went on to area championships etc which is very hard work and our trainer actually had a psycologist at hand who came with us to help us deal with this we where all young and doing shows like we did can be very stressfull.

I hope you can get yourself the help you need and please look forward it will get better as long as you get yourself help with it.

No good trainer would purposely spook your horse either. That again is putting everyone's lives in danger and is just straight up stupid. Why are you letting her do this in the first place? You need to take control and tell her that it's not ok and is making matter so much worse. No one should inflict danger upon a 2000 pound animal causing it to spook. Again, like I said, that kind of behavior is intolerable to me and I'd be leaving immediately.

I don't plan to just go to groundwork. Jumping is what I love and the reason he's running out is because my left hand isn't telling him that he isn't allowed to run out. He takes advantage of my weaknesses. This week at lessons I focused on keeping my left hand firm and up so he couldn't run out to the right. We got over all jumps without any runouts. He did bolt a few times, but I was able to control him. I had no anxiety attacks at all throughout the night. Something dangerous did happen where I fell off and hit the wall and am now limping, but I lost no confidence and I'm still fine.

I don't feel that a horse change is necessary. I love DJ and I'm learning to trust him. We can really go places together once I fully figure out his quirks. He's a great horse, just not easy. He won't give you a single thing, you had better earn it and make him do what you want him to do. that is just how he is.

I will, however, look into seeing a sports phsycologist.

That may include groundwork and flatwork for weeks. You need to accept that your top preferences and desires come after what is necessary to achieve a safe, productive partnership with your horse.

If he's taking advantage of a weak left hand, there's far more going on underneath the surface in my opinion. And the fact that he's taking advantage of your weaknesses means you should work as hard as you can to fix them.

I feel that this situation may be specific to my personal situation. Maybe I shouldn't have asked for advice because you all don't know my actual situation so it's not much help for any of us. Thank you to those who gave advice, I appreciate it. But I feel that this issue is more specific to my personal situation.