Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Fall   
$: 0
Forecast: Breezy and Pleasant
Forecast:
Tue 11:53am  
Stables Online:  127 
Chatbox
Glacier Bay Cove
11:50:43 Arctic Katz
I don't know if any of you are interested in them
Crestwood Eq.
11:50:43 Ivy / poison ivy
URGENT! ISO 3 Month upgrade! I have ebs ready! max is 160k! PM me!
Glacier Bay Cove
11:50:26 Arctic Katz
I reached the point where I have to auction off my paintings
Sunni
11:27:58 Sunni bunny
-HEE Click-

Star auction, SD and horses that don't fit in my program.
Lots of colorful foals, and some Apricot TB mares.
Chase's Place
11:12:30 :)Chase
Horses for breeding
-HEE Click-

Shop - new things added constantly
-HEE Click-

ISO
-HEE Click-
pandemoniu_m
10:52:46 pheezy
-HEE Click-
MakeEm Fancy
10:51:39 Ally 💜
EEE KNN mares. Maps used
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
Sarahs Stables
10:51:31 Saje
Wild EEE SH blanket appy stallion with E bravery- currently on LB for SH bravery. Open to offers.
-HEE Click-
Indiana Peaches
10:45:33 Indi
-HEE Click-
Must see tb auction
Barbury Estates
10:41:02 Amelia
ISO an upgrade!!!! Pm me!

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.



Rules   Hide
You are in: Sales
View Main Chat
Quests
Horse Eden Eventing Game
Chatbox
Glacier Bay Cove
11:50:43 Arctic Katz
I don't know if any of you are interested in them
Crestwood Eq.
11:50:43 Ivy / poison ivy
URGENT! ISO 3 Month upgrade! I have ebs ready! max is 160k! PM me!
Glacier Bay Cove
11:50:26 Arctic Katz
I reached the point where I have to auction off my paintings
Sunni
11:27:58 Sunni bunny
-HEE Click-

Star auction, SD and horses that don't fit in my program.
Lots of colorful foals, and some Apricot TB mares.
Chase's Place
11:12:30 :)Chase
Horses for breeding
-HEE Click-

Shop - new things added constantly
-HEE Click-

ISO
-HEE Click-
pandemoniu_m
10:52:46 pheezy
-HEE Click-
MakeEm Fancy
10:51:39 Ally 💜
EEE KNN mares. Maps used
-HEE Click-
-HEE Click-
Sarahs Stables
10:51:31 Saje
Wild EEE SH blanket appy stallion with E bravery- currently on LB for SH bravery. Open to offers.
-HEE Click-
Indiana Peaches
10:45:33 Indi
-HEE Click-
Must see tb auction
Barbury Estates
10:41:02 Amelia
ISO an upgrade!!!! Pm me!

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






Refresh


Forums

→ Horse Eden is a fun game! Sign Up Now!

My Subscriptions
My Bookmarks
My Topics
Latest Topics
Following

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
Give Award

Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
Give Award
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Refresh