Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Overcast and Calm
Forecast:
Fri 12:06pm  
Stables Online:  102 
Chatbox
Angels angels
12:06:12 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Alyssa
So sad ;-;
Sunni
12:04:42 Sunni bunny
I'll be back on later, time to go get groceries.
Sunni
12:04:14 Sunni bunny
Vet oh I did and still didn't have no luck XD.
Legacy Leagues
12:04:00 Alyssa (Future Vet)
Angel
YES!!! Its literally insane.
Legacy Leagues
12:03:23 Alyssa (Future Vet)
Sunni
Ive learned its best to focus on buying a stud with the pearl. There's not a lot of mares up for breeding with pearl.
Angels angels
12:01:59 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Geez so many celebrities are dying this week. Anne Burrell died yesterday, ozzy died this week, Hulk Hogan, and Malcolm Jamal Warner
Crestwood Eq.
12:01:17 Ivy / poison ivy
I'll return for a brief time after lunch
Sunni
12:00:28 Sunni bunny
I've had no luck breeding pearl horses I keep them those quest a lot.
Crestwood Eq.
12:00:10 Ivy / poison ivy
there. i found my "HEE role" lol. "HEE's Dramatic Teenager lover girl" XDDDD
Blue Diamond
12:00:08 Bluey
Ivy
I think about my bf a lot
Crestwood Eq.
11:59:33 Ivy / poison ivy
keep in mind i think about him like 24/7...
Crestwood Eq.
11:59:14 Ivy / poison ivy
Bluey

very specific...
Blue Diamond
11:58:51 Bluey
Ivy
6.75
The Red Herring
11:58:49 Red
And its usually the same quest. Breeding a Palomino pearl foal
Crestwood Eq.
11:58:30 Ivy / poison ivy
sorry but out of 10 how obsessed do i seem with wylder?
Sunni
11:56:47 Sunni bunny
Nice red, I need to check my inventory I've been completing quest without checking the rewards.
Sunni
11:56:08 Sunni bunny
I keep forgetting to do it XD
With everything going on they got me feeling like gangle.
The Red Herring
11:56:08 Red
Just got my second medallion from quests. I need them to pop up more lol
Glacier Bay Cove
11:55:06 Arctic Katz
Okay I will
Sunni
11:54:36 Sunni bunny
Cove I got some lines you can use, I gotta make the background transparent so it'll be easier to use.
Remind me here later tonight.

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Angels angels
12:06:12 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Alyssa
So sad ;-;
Sunni
12:04:42 Sunni bunny
I'll be back on later, time to go get groceries.
Sunni
12:04:14 Sunni bunny
Vet oh I did and still didn't have no luck XD.
Legacy Leagues
12:04:00 Alyssa (Future Vet)
Angel
YES!!! Its literally insane.
Legacy Leagues
12:03:23 Alyssa (Future Vet)
Sunni
Ive learned its best to focus on buying a stud with the pearl. There's not a lot of mares up for breeding with pearl.
Angels angels
12:01:59 [1k+ brindles] Angel
Geez so many celebrities are dying this week. Anne Burrell died yesterday, ozzy died this week, Hulk Hogan, and Malcolm Jamal Warner
Crestwood Eq.
12:01:17 Ivy / poison ivy
I'll return for a brief time after lunch
Sunni
12:00:28 Sunni bunny
I've had no luck breeding pearl horses I keep them those quest a lot.
Crestwood Eq.
12:00:10 Ivy / poison ivy
there. i found my "HEE role" lol. "HEE's Dramatic Teenager lover girl" XDDDD
Blue Diamond
12:00:08 Bluey
Ivy
I think about my bf a lot
Crestwood Eq.
11:59:33 Ivy / poison ivy
keep in mind i think about him like 24/7...
Crestwood Eq.
11:59:14 Ivy / poison ivy
Bluey

very specific...
Blue Diamond
11:58:51 Bluey
Ivy
6.75
The Red Herring
11:58:49 Red
And its usually the same quest. Breeding a Palomino pearl foal
Crestwood Eq.
11:58:30 Ivy / poison ivy
sorry but out of 10 how obsessed do i seem with wylder?
Sunni
11:56:47 Sunni bunny
Nice red, I need to check my inventory I've been completing quest without checking the rewards.
Sunni
11:56:08 Sunni bunny
I keep forgetting to do it XD
With everything going on they got me feeling like gangle.
The Red Herring
11:56:08 Red
Just got my second medallion from quests. I need them to pop up more lol
Glacier Bay Cove
11:55:06 Arctic Katz
Okay I will
Sunni
11:54:36 Sunni bunny
Cove I got some lines you can use, I gotta make the background transparent so it'll be easier to use.
Remind me here later tonight.

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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