Horse Eden Eventing Game
Horse Eden Eventing Game


Year: 192   Season: Winter   
$: 0
Forecast: Bright Sunshine with a few High Clouds
Forecast:
Sat 10:53am  
Stables Online:  95 
Chatbox
TB Goin Crazy!
10:37:18 
dude, her sire only produces flashy istg lol
Rainbow
10:36:43 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Crazy
Ooh, she's lovely.
TB Goin Crazy!
10:35:24 
i hope her rating is good come monday, fingers crossed bc shes gorg
-HEE Click-
Sunni
10:16:12 Sunni bunny
With her coat that would be awesome.
Glacier Bay Cove
10:13:52 Arctic Katz
Crossing my fingers for WC bravery
Sunni
10:13:21 Sunni bunny
-HEE Click-
I hope this girl is a E or WC bravery.
Sunni
10:12:17 Sunni bunny
Cove, everyone has their own art styles if you like the way you do it.
Just keep doing it.
I do a lot of heavy lines in mine normally.
It is fun to experiment with other styles tho.
Glacier Bay Cove
10:12:14 Arctic Katz
I shall attempt that on the next one I do
Glacier Bay Cove
10:03:25 Arctic Katz
Wonder if I should change the way I do art projects. Maybe they need to be more realistic, instead of just painting them
Ravenwood Farm
09:51:15 
No problem :D
MakeEm Fancy
09:50:44 Ally 💜
Thank you so much raven <3
Crestwood Eq.
09:48:41 Ivy / poison ivy
and! there is a golf course literally right behind them
Crestwood Eq.
09:48:21 Ivy / poison ivy
and it's a family of 5.
Crestwood Eq.
09:48:12 Ivy / poison ivy
and 6 bedrooms
Crestwood Eq.
09:47:41 Ivy / poison ivy
and like 5.5 bathrooms.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:46:20 Arctic Katz
Double wow
Crestwood Eq.
09:46:00 Ivy / poison ivy
and it has a HUGE pool.
Crestwood Eq.
09:45:49 Ivy / poison ivy
real.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:45:37 Arctic Katz
Oo wow
Crestwood Eq.
09:45:04 Ivy / poison ivy
the house wylder and his family live in has and estimated value of over 3 million USD

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TB Goin Crazy!
10:37:18 
dude, her sire only produces flashy istg lol
Rainbow
10:36:43 Rainy/Prism/Chrome
Crazy
Ooh, she's lovely.
TB Goin Crazy!
10:35:24 
i hope her rating is good come monday, fingers crossed bc shes gorg
-HEE Click-
Sunni
10:16:12 Sunni bunny
With her coat that would be awesome.
Glacier Bay Cove
10:13:52 Arctic Katz
Crossing my fingers for WC bravery
Sunni
10:13:21 Sunni bunny
-HEE Click-
I hope this girl is a E or WC bravery.
Sunni
10:12:17 Sunni bunny
Cove, everyone has their own art styles if you like the way you do it.
Just keep doing it.
I do a lot of heavy lines in mine normally.
It is fun to experiment with other styles tho.
Glacier Bay Cove
10:12:14 Arctic Katz
I shall attempt that on the next one I do
Glacier Bay Cove
10:03:25 Arctic Katz
Wonder if I should change the way I do art projects. Maybe they need to be more realistic, instead of just painting them
Ravenwood Farm
09:51:15 
No problem :D
MakeEm Fancy
09:50:44 Ally 💜
Thank you so much raven <3
Crestwood Eq.
09:48:41 Ivy / poison ivy
and! there is a golf course literally right behind them
Crestwood Eq.
09:48:21 Ivy / poison ivy
and it's a family of 5.
Crestwood Eq.
09:48:12 Ivy / poison ivy
and 6 bedrooms
Crestwood Eq.
09:47:41 Ivy / poison ivy
and like 5.5 bathrooms.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:46:20 Arctic Katz
Double wow
Crestwood Eq.
09:46:00 Ivy / poison ivy
and it has a HUGE pool.
Crestwood Eq.
09:45:49 Ivy / poison ivy
real.
Glacier Bay Cove
09:45:37 Arctic Katz
Oo wow
Crestwood Eq.
09:45:04 Ivy / poison ivy
the house wylder and his family live in has and estimated value of over 3 million USD

You must be a registered member for more
than 1 day before you can use our chatbox.






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Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
   1 

Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:46 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206071
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Hello

Feel free to comment here about what you would like to see more in the story and suggestions (advice) or criticism, I am open to it!
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 09:58 PM


FirstLightFarms

Trivia Team
 
Posts: 3839
#1206073
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Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)
Downfall comments May 2, 2024 10:11 PM


Ponies heaven
 
Posts: 7384
#1206076
Give Award

FirstLightFarms said:
Hey!
I do have a few things to suggest that stood out to me while I was reading.
The first would be to not center your text, as it comes across as a poem and I had to reread it a few times to realize there was a story happening. It looks pretty but it messes with the physical flow of the reader's eye, which makes it harder to keep track of what's happening.
It seems like there's several flashbacks here, but again, it's hard to keep track of what's 'now' and what's 'then'. If you're not going to indicate it by having the narrator tell the reader that she's thinking of a memory (which can be pretty clunky), then possibly consider italicizing the flashbacks. It's a very common device to notate that a particular bit of text is a flashback.
I'm also not really sure what's happening. Who is your narrator, and what is their relationship with Freya? Why are they on a dune, where did the assassin come from, where did the horse come from? It was all super confusing.
You do seem to have a lot of really good ideas though, and I am super intrigued by the world you're building. Especially the end, and the mysterious figures.
The chapter is certainly a good start- you're introducing your characters and their situation, and ending it on a very mysterious, page-turning note. It just needs to be more clear so the reader understands what's happening.
Best of luck, and good job :)


Thank you for your advice, I will most certainly look into these things! I am planning on smoothing out the horse situation as the last scene will play on, as for the narrator, I am trying to move a 3d person story into a 1st person story and might need some help with that.

Forums > Rider's Lounge > Writer's Nook
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