So, for context, I spent roughly 10 years living in an abusive household with my dad. He was mentally and verbally abusive

I am glad to say I have been away from him for almost 4 years now with zero contact, but I think I'm still dealing with the after effects.

When we moved, I think my Mom kind of wanted to just leave everything that happened in my home state, in my home state.

For a while this was fine, I made new friends, played new sports, etc. But I never really dealt with that trauma, I just kind of buried it.

One thing has remained the same though, I am incredibly paranoid about my close relationships.

I am constantly scared that my friends secretly hate me, when they have done nothing to solicit this thought process. I am scared my mom doesn't think I'm doing good enough, even when she has been my biggest supporter. I'm scared of a lot of things, I overthink every interaction I have. Every year during sports I manage to convince myself my teammates hate. It's exhausting. It really effects my self esteem and eventually I just turn it all onto myself.

Sometimes I get super motivated, I plan out how I want to make lifestyle changes that will benefit me.

I'll stick to it for a few days before I forget the routine, or go off on a tangent doing something else. It's been effecting my focus for a while now, I have so many freaking thoughts inside my head.

I just want silence for a while.

Coincidentally, I'm afraid of asking to have a Psych eval or speak to a Psychologist because I'm afraid of how it would look when I apply to Med School.

I'm also afraid I'm just self diagnosing, as I'm definetly no doctor.

I just don't really know which direction to turn, writing it out just gives me a moment of peace to reflect on how I'm feeling.

I am sorry you are going through this. Despite your concerns, I would recommend getting a professional diagnosis and possibly doing some therapy.

I have anxiety, depression, mild ADHD, and high functioning autism (previously known as Asperger's). I have done therapy and it has helped immensely. I am also on anxiety medication, but that is something you have to talk about with a doctor. Despite all these diagnoses I have never disclosed them to my employer or teachers. It is none of their business and they don't need to know nor do they have the right to know. I don't see why having a diagnosis will prevent you from getting into medical school. If anything, it will give you empathy for your patients.

I personally decided to get testing accommodations (extra time on tests and a quiet place to take the test) at my college which required me to give a record of my diagnosis to their Accomdations and Accessibility office. My professors get a letter from this office stating my accommodations, but never listing my diagnosis. The professors have to comply with the accommodations and it has helped me do a lot better in school. I wouldn't be able to have those accommodations though without a professional diagnosis.

I find myself relating a lot to your situation so if you ever need to talk or need some tips on how to handle anxiety please PM me.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This has happened to me many times. I don't really have anxiety, but I always have bad thoughts running through my head.

Just 3 days ago, me and my boyfriend had a heartbreaking break-up, and it effected me more than anything ever has. He cheated on me, and told me 2 days later. I'm still having a very hard time with this and am praying I find someone new, that will treat me better than he did.

I know how it goes, when you think your friends are talking bad about you. Drama happens everyday, and it happened to me as well. When I was younger, I got picked on and mde fun of for playing football with the boys at recess. Many people tried to avoid me, and I thought I would never have any friends. But then I met a girl named Courtney. She helped me get through that stage of life. If I can get through hard things, so can you. I know it's very challenging sometimes, but just belive in yourself and someday you'll find a reliable, trusworthy friend that will always be there for you.

I am always thinking about bad things, but I end up getting through them. If you ever need a friend to talk to, I am always up to chat! I hope this helps you!

-Brook <3