I wasn't sure what section of the forum to put this in. Please move it if necessary.
For those of you that don't know, I have PTSD and get dissociative (specifically depersonalization) episodes. What happens is everything gets dull, I forget to blink, and my body gets heavy. My thoughts sound like they're underwater, and I feel like I'm miles away from my body and emotions. However, I always know that what I'm feeling isn't reality. I never lose touch. These episodes last a minimum of ten to twenty minutes, and my longest one was about a year and a half to two years long (yes, that's straight with no breaks of clarity in between).
Anyway, last week I noticed something unusual about my real horse, Merlin. I slipped into a depersonalization episode at the barn, and was standing next to Merlin in his stall. He immediately turned his head to me, and started pushing my hand with his nose, lipping at my skin and clothes. He swayed back and forth next to me, rubbing on me. This isn't something he does on a daily basis. I think Merlin can sense my dissociative episodes. He's done this before at the beginning of an episode, but I didn't put two and two together until now. While he wasn't able to halt the episode completely, he made it much more manageable than it would have been otherwise.
This is surprising to me, because no horse I've worked with or owned previously has shown any ability or even awareness to this sort of thing. Has anyone else come across something like this in other horses? Any experiences to tell about at all?
Now that I've figured out Merlin's special talent, I'd like to train him to support me further. I know I can't take him around like a service dog, but as I can't get a service dog and my current dog isn't a candidate, any way he can improve my life is perfect. Does anyone have any ideas about training a horse for PTSD support? Or does anyone know anything about training dogs for this? Here's a list of things I struggle with and could really use help from him with:
-Dissociative Episodes: I used to get these more frequently, but as the longest episode I had was over a year long, I hate risking even short ones. Merlin's idea of using movement and prodding at me was brilliant, but I think it could be even better if he could get me to move more. I'd also like to figure out how to STOP an episode completely, but I'm not sure how. How do I get him to do that during episodes without becoming pushy normally?
-Runaway Thoughts: My brain runs off the rails with details of past trauma at the slightest provocation, like someone walking in the rain with the hood of their dark jacket up. Merlin seems to notice this, but he doesn't do anything. I don't know what I expect from him here, but as these runaway thoughts are starting to get flashbacky, it'd be great if he would. Any ideas on what to get him to do and how?
In addition, nightmares, confidence, and general anxiety. I don't know how much help he can be, but any suggestion is a good suggestion.
I know that this isn't the best place to go for advice, and ideally I should be talking to a therapist. However, I can't be in therapy right now, and this horse is the most promising thing I have to improve my life right now. My friends don't know how bad this stuff gets, and my family doesn't know because they're literally part of why I have PTSD in the first place. If I can't do anything with my horse to improve this, that's okay. I've lived with this most of my life, so I'll be fine. However, it would be wonderful if it's possible! Please, even if all you have is a passing thought or a link to an article, I'd love suggestions. I'm also open to taking some service dog training to use with Merlin. If you don't have anything, I hope his newfound talent was at least interesting to you!
Bright Sunshine with a few High Clouds
