I think I'm going to just throw in my monthly rant here.....
I don't know....I just feel drained everyday. Despite picking up good eating, supplements, and daily excerise with my job, I feel like total, absolute dog shit. I'm frustrated and stressed daily. I want to cry daily. I've been crying weekly, sometimes bi-weekly or more.
Lot's of my stress comes from school as I try to keep up my grades in the last legs of it before summer. Lot's of it comes from having so much homework to keep up with on top of working my horse daily (and dealing with his lippy nonsense most of the time) and having a job.
Lot's of my frustrations come from the animals, (and now that we're dogsitting for almost two weeks, it's much worse) especially my sister's little ratshit dog whom she refuses to train for lack of knowledge and fear of hurting her because she needs to discipline her.
You know, most of my frustration just comes from my sister. She tends to be antagonistic (as she's younger than I and thinks it's the funniest shit). Of course we all know, I can't do diddly crap because siblings sure as hell love to play victim! >:'D So, I sit through being made fun of, being called names, being bossed around....and on top of all my other shit, it just gets hard to sit back and just deal with it.
I feel like my family doesn't give a lick of a rip about myself or my accomplishments. I say the word "horse" and it's like everybody shuts me out. I never do get an "I'm proud of you" except for from my grandpa.
I'm not able to talk to any of my friends, cause all of them are busy and they all act like they don't want to. I haven't the slightest clue what my best friend's been up to since school transitioned online.
I feel like an absolute dick most of the time around people....I have a bad habit about speaking my mind and shit just sprays out like vomit. I've been becoming a lot more self-aware of it lately and it's been making me much less confident and more self-concious than I've ever been.
I feel horribly behind all the other girls my age. Most have gotten their driver's liscences, but being honest I'm nervous about being on the road (despite having been excited all my life to get into the driver's seat)....yet I know eventually I need to start taking myself places instead of relying on my parents. Even though I have a job, I feel behind with it. It's an under-the-counter stable job where I only work between 5-10 hours a week at minimum wage. Most my friends are working 10+ hour weeks in shorter work weeks. But, cause I can't fucking drive yet, and I can't bike 5+ miles into town everyday, I'm basically a sitting duck.
I know my mental health has taken a ride down the shitter. I feel it with every passing day as my anxiety grows worse. I know I need a moment to relax, but the moments I relax, I continue to think about the things I'm stressing about. I don't know if I need a therapist or something so I have someone who'll actually listen to me. I don't like telling my family things because my dad won't listen or'll laugh, my mom'll just glare or act mad that I'm trying to confide in her, and my grandparents'll change the subject so it's focused around them instead. (I feel like I should add, it's not like my family is super shitty or anything, they just don't like the "feeling" stuff or to listen. They'd prefer to talk and have somebody else listen. And I happen to be on the butt end of the stick.)
I think the happiest I've been and feeling normal was yesterday when I biked to my neighbor's to return his cat carrier I had borrowed and his niece about my age was there, and we had a good conversation. I felt normal, responsible, and like an adult.
I don't know....I felt like I needed to type this out and lift it off my chest. There's a lot I didn't put in here, but I think I got most of it out of me.
Partly Cloudy, Rain Possible
