I made the decision a while a go to get rid of my mare. It hurt but it needed to be done, she was way too much horse for me and could have very easily hurt me. it got to the point where she didn't want to do anything anymore. She has gone off to a stud to be a broodmare. I hated her at the end, we clashed and were both absolutely struggled to get along. I know it doesn't make sense to miss her as much as I do but I miss her heaps. Not sure if I just miss the idea of her or if I actually miss her.

Then I'm in my last year of high school (old enough to be on this game). Covid has already disrupted last year and the start of this year. We are going back late and my school has done my timetable wrong and it's stressing me out. I feel like I am behind all the kids with tutors etc already and the year hasn't even started.

Then I have to decide what I want to do with my life. I did consider med but I don't want that lifestyle and I would dp horribly on the UCAT. Now I'm thinking pharmacy but not 100% sure.

I also just quit my job. I only have to work if I want horses and with the way things were going I wasn't making enough to even cover that if I wanted to get a new horse. Agistment costs, coupled with feed, lessons and gear, let alone if I wanted to compete. I would struggle to cover it even with my parents helping me.

I hate job hunting but being without a job makes me anxious, no idea why. I hate interviews and I hate filling out applications and going places makes me anxious because I am terrified of getting covid.

I had to quit my job, the environment had become so toxic and being a stable hand is hard work. There has been heaps of drama about me quitting etc too so I am so over it. I need a job with less manual labour and to just get out of the horse industry.

The horse industry has worn me down so much the past 6 months, my grades slipped, my motivation was gone, hell all I wanted (want?) to do is stay home and sleep. I should be studying ready to go back to school in a few days but i have no motivation. I'm so terrified of starting behind as I feel so much pressure to get good grades.

Then I have stuff going on more personally and like I get you don't have to figure everything out when you're a teenager but I feel like I haven't done any of the things you are supposed to do as a teenager.

And I miss having a horse so much but I can't handle people or agistment drama at the moment nor can I really afford it (even with a job as the hours I can work are limited). I plan on revisiting horses after uni (possibly) but it still hurts and feels like I have lost a huge part of who I am as a person. Like I don't know how to fill that void. I gave up everything else I loved for horses (as pressured by a coach at the time) but now I don't know who I am without them. Maybe I'll play netball in winter as I used to enjoy that as well as umpiring but that's months away and I feel lost, like I have no idea who I am as a person anymore.

And like I feel so limited by what I can apply for where I live. I can't apply for anything in hospitality because of sensory stuff involving food, like if it touches me I want to die (not literally and maybe a touch dramatic but I will seriously need to wash my hands alot... several times). Look I can usually overcome most of the sensory stuff, I got over my insane aversion to clay because my horse had an injury (it still grosses me out but I can do it if needed), working with horses and at my current job got me way better at dealing with the texture of mud, I can mostly ignore that but food is onr I just can't get past. It limits what I can eat as well, like why does Jelly smell so good but have a texture that belongs in hell?