The past 2 weeks have been awful. But it started a few months ago. A quick background My SO (Uri) and his dad (Erik) have a complicated relationship. His dad was pretty emotionally and verbally abusive until about a year ago. His dad started to make some big changes. Watching conspiracy like content, changing his diet to only protien powders, meditating and practicing law of attraction. At some point Erik was having me buy him lottery tickets everyday because he was trying to manifest the win. During this time Erik did gain more empathy and self control, and their relationship was rekindling. But in hindsight, some of these changes may be red flags indiciting a possible mental break or pychosis or something more serious. Ill tell you why.
After this lottery billy carson phase, his dad suddenly changed all his focus to AI generated music and making money from online traffic (like lo-fi music channels on youtube) pretty cool right? After his dad experimented with that for a bit, he then bought a $3k online course for some kind of affiliate marketing, like he would create ads and promote products like other online courses to target a niche customer group and earn a portion of the sale? Im not 100%. Apparently this course had a 3 month time limit, and he started getting stressed out because he didnt feel like he would get done in time. It seemed pretty big, like something youd need employees for. He didnt really treat it like a side hustle though, like he started staying up past his bed time and ignoring other parts of his life. He ended up asking Uri for help, and for the next 2 months Uri stayed over at his Dad's helping.
This is where things started to change for me, of course, it went from a 2 parent household of 5 years to single parent with financial support. I grew a little bitter, I think I started projecting a little bit. Personally I wouldve at least tried to spend weekends with my child. But I decided to use the time to work on myself by myself. I would often bring them food or run errands for them ( lack of boundaries). While doing this I would often witness Erik treating Uri very poorly. It seemed like his dad wasnt being very helpful or teamly, instead he would yell at Uri, take his frustration out, demean Uri for his skills, even if his dad wouldve been better able to resolve the issue or teach Uri, or just do something very simple like type something himself, he would just resort to emotional abuse, aggression, and intensity. Its frustrating to watch a loved one go through that, but I would never hold someone back from trying to be connected to their family. The best I could do was be there.
At some point I tried talking to his dad, I tried to explain that theres a balance to the parts of our lives, and expressed my conern about Uri's wellbeing, and our own intimate relationship. Him and Uri had begun staying up super late. Schedule: wake up at 7am, go to work, come back at 4pm, work on online course or video games until 4- 5am. repeat. His dad said that you cant take breaks from learning, and remarked that Uri should start helping him earlier in the day, but never assumed responsibility for his part in the unhealthy habits either. I had the same convo with Uri, nothing changed. We became very distant, and I was honestly wondering what this could be foreshadowing in our future. To further express the change, his dad actually almost got fired from his real job for throwing a clipboard at a manager (assault) because he was upset about his schedule around this time.
Fast forward to last week. Uri's dad asked me to come over. I asked why and it kinda just sounded like he wanted to see the grandbaby or something. Maybe he finally started to see where I was coming from. I agreed, I had some stuff to get done on my computer, and it would be helpful for the baby to have someone to play with. That night Erik came to me and explained how he has a hard time writing and reading and could really use my help. I have a learning disability and understand the dizziness and frustration of my brain trying to piece things together incorrectly. But I also have a lot of trauma, and felt really hesitent to get involved based on what I saw between him and Uri. I just didnt feel like I could handle it. I tried explaining that if he came to me with a specific task within my skillset, I would be happy to help. But Im not interested in marketing and wasnt looking for a side hustle. I think he may have missed what I said, and may have felt hurt.
Over the next few days, things began to escalate. His dad was getting noticably more stressed, haywired, manic. He had lost weight, was experienceing headaches and insomnia. Even made remarks about feeling like his heart was going to stopped. I felt like the most I could do was suggest research on stress managment, and taking care of his body in his older age. I dont think he realized he was driving his body dead. He was becoming more aggresive to Uri, and would have little freak outs where he would yell and demand Uri to do something or stop doing what he was already doing. Just obviously getting worse, his perception was changing.
About the 3rd or 4th night I was there, after his dad had left for his actual job, Uri came to me and asked me to set an alarm for 8 am because they had a zoom meeting at 9 am. Done, went to bed, me and baby had a stomach bug so my stress levels were disrupted. Me and Baby were in the other room, Uri slept in the living room. I woke up to literally the entire house shaking, things slamming and stomping. Uri was gasping and panicking from being scared awake. I dont know what his dad did, but just the scariest noises ( if you have trauma responses to stomping and loud banging sounds, you know). I just stayed put in response, it woke baby up. The time read 7:25am. A few moments later Uri came into the room and said his dad wanted him to wake us up cause they had to use the room. I didnt feel good and I had work in a few hourse, things were to intense for me so I decided I was going to go home. A truly impartial decision, but I think it may have upset Erik. He even said to me,
"You guys dont have to get out of the room now" even though thats why he just told Uri to come wake us up.
No specific plan was discussed between Uri and his Dad other than being at the meeting at 9am. Uri was genuniley curious what they were going to do in the hour and a half ahead of the meeting, and probably a bit concerned as to why his dad was so intense on being up immediatley. So Uri said " I dont see why we have to get up so early, I had an alarm set for 8am" And his dad cut him off and aggresivley shouted,
"We're doing this on my time!"
At this point I stepped outside to start the car, and when I came back in, things had exploded. His dad was screaming,
"F*** You! F*** You, Your a little B****. We had plans! We had Plans!"
They only discussed the meeting being at 9am. I later found out that Uri had just told him that he was coming with me, but his dad didnt let him explain that he was planning on coming back before freaking out. Uri just wanted the car. Things were bad and scary, Erik was moving everywhere, yelling and stomping. Things are kinda a blur. I think I remember Uri remarking how he just asked a question (about the time and plan situation). Uri tried saying that he would've gotten up, because his dad started targeting and gaslighting him on how he "wouldnt have woken up, hes never woken up" May I remind you that Uri had been there for his dad in those months more than his own kid. At some point I said,
" Your not being very considerate Erik"
I dont know if this was the right thing to say. I dont think I had enough time to explain what I meant. I meant that he wasnt taking the time to consider the situation and what was actually happening. He just exploded,
"F*** You Too! You Know Nothing! We had Plans!"
After this, me and Uri stopped talking, packed up, and left. Right before I walked out the door his dad remarked,
"Im never making plans with him again"
It was all really confusing, it came out of nowhere, and most of all it was scary. Both of us have trauma, and have worked really hard to stop the cycle. We did not appreciate him doing that in front of the baby either. She was silent the whole time :( Erik then texted us (quote for quote)
" I will never make plans again ever dead to me. This ends our relationship. No going back"
I begin to feel that I have interjected myslef to much. Maybe I made things worse, or just shouldnt have said anything. And I think I may have made another mistake. We had forgotten our Xbox and some movies, and baby loves her movies. Assuming he really didnt want any contact, I thought sooner than later would be best to grab the forgotten. So I texted him.
"We forgot our xbox. Can we please come and grab it?"
He responded, " Wow."
I replied "Dude your scary. Extremely reactive, things wouldve been fine. You know that. You need to get some help, I dont think anyone can work with someone who treats people like that. Can I please come grab my movies and Xbox"
A little harsh, I was in my emotions, and shouldve explained myself better.
He said "F*** off, You know nothing, you dont respect me"
I tried explaining " Uri wanted to be there for the meeting dude. Every night I was there I heard the way you talked to him. The person you asked for help. Your general approach to things is reactive."
He begins to make less sense "Just cuz you dont care or respect me dont ask me for anything we are over" and continues "I'll say it another way. Your both to selfish you hurt me. This isnt mutual friendship. Im not going to trust you anymore. Being friends shouldnt be painful. I'm done with you both. I dont even understand your messages? If everything was fine then why wasnt it? Because you were awake at 7:30 and not 8:30? Not being at he meeting not keeping your plans, leaving. Reacted accordingly. I regret every nice thing I ever did for both of you." (His son is not his friend, completley different relationship)
Uri then responded "I never even said I wasnt coming to the meeting. Also you screamed at Mack that we had plans but you never told me exactly what your plan was. I was gonna make it to the meeting fool and wake up on time. you were acting hella weird. I didnt even do anything wrong. All I did was try to talk to you and you started getting furious. Have fun being a loner a**hole."
This is where things take a scary, even more confusing turn. His dad basically leaves us a suicide note. Im going to leave out some sensitve induendos
"(remark about saftey). You said you were leaving. You said I have to beg you to wake up, beg every microstep to sit down. I cant beg you to follow through. You showed me you absolutley sont care about anything but 30 minutes of sleep and your Xbox. Dont end up like me and your mom ( a sharp blow because Uri's mom died when he was young) I have nothing left, dont let my cat starve"
I personally think something serious is going on with Erik's health. I personally have risked my own saftey, comfort and sleep for Erik consitently since i got with Uri. Uri has only ever tried to run away from his dads rage, and always had an understanding why his dad did things like this and still wanted a relationship with him. He was always respectful, and I personally dont think I've shown any malice, dispresct, or uncaring torwards Erik. I love reciprocative relationships. Nothing was ever discussed or heard about a specific plan for the meeting, both of them are awful at planning anyways, they legit dont know how. And why dont I know anything? Am I missing something?
I honestly have never met anyone with a bigger stick up the a** than Erik. Foods not perfect? Your stupid. Took to long? I couldve done better. Have a different opinion? Thats not right, your dumb. Oh but Im not going to make or get my own food, Im not going to do my adult duties myself even though I can do them better. Im not going to do research or support my loved ones in their personal journey.
I really dont like dragging out the bad in someone, but he really has the audacity to call us selfish, say that we dont care. He doesnt show gratitude or understanding. He doesnt acknowledge what we have done for him and how we've sacrificed. But he also doesnt remember shutting us down whenever we had a new career idea? Or not remembering his impatience to our kindness? It was literally impossible to have meaningful conversations with Erik, all he would do is push his own wants and interests on you, and when you didnt seem interested or aggreeing, he would just insist that its the only way, or make up bad facts about the topic, like carreer salary and work hours for example, with out any evidence. ( I want to express compassion to Erik during his time of mental ailment, I understand how those things can effect peoples minds)
Im sure its obvious by now that I have some issues with Uri's dad. But what about Uri? I've been trying to check in with him, asking him how he feels and if hes okay. Hes worried and confused as well. He doesnt want their relationship to end with a death. I hope he doesnt blame himself, I dont even know how he handled staying with his dad that long with that treatment. Uri is hurt and im sure feels betrayed, after giving so much time and effort. He hasnt talked about it much, but rants about it every so often. Hes typed a few paragraphs to his dad, but doesnt want to say anything until we know Eriks status. I cant imagine hearing your father say that he has nothing left, after shoving you out of his life. All i feel is anger. The night of the text concering his dad's saftey. We reached out to Uri's sister, and called in a wellness check. The cops said he wasnt there or didnt answer, but Uri's sister was able to make contact, but she said nothing helpful. Me and Uriah dont want to exacerbate things, so we have not reached out.
So yeah, pretty tense and scary and unfortunate, but thats not even the end. This part is more about me. On top of having the flu, a sick baby, and dealing with a lazy co worker and a different sexist co worker, me and Uri got in a fight last night :( Im like..really upset. I dont feel at home anymore. We were about to go and eat. But I didnt feel good, we had already bickered, and I wasnt feeling hungry anymore. I suggested he just go. Then Uri just started make mean comments about how I can never keep Baby's blankets clean, or how he can never come home to what he wants. But he doesnt help or do his part, I hate to admit it but sometimes he cant even take care of the baby properly while im at work. He gets to do literally whatever he wants, go wherever he wants, I never bring up his faults to directly attack him. Then he brought money into it, saying how he has all the financial burden, how he pays for everything. He does, like hes been making the higher wage, and takes care of the bigger bills. And I dont want this to be this way, I even give him the money I earn every night, but I thought we made a plan! see how it comes full circle? May I explain :
We decided we were both going to get new jobs. We are a poor family but not poor enough to qualify for state assitance for day care. But we cant gain traction, havnt been able to save much so our plan was for him to get a new job, Ill keep my current job, then after his first paycheck once we know a stable schedule and hopefully have enough for at least the first month of day care, I would begin my new job. At the moment I only work when hes with the baby. Our goal is to be making 30k a year between the both of us. So I was really confused and hurt when he said this, I knew he was just trying to hurt me. And I couldnt take it. I told him to give me my car keys, and said that i was just going to go. He tried fighting me, but I stood my ground and told him i just need to get some space, I need to get out of the house. He freaking threw the keys and then smashed my collectable horse models that had been gifted to me by family members for birthdays and christmas over the span of my entire life. I just...I dont understand. All I wanted was some space. Ive never destroyed anything important to Uri to hurt him or gain control of him. I dont go out of my way to make him feel inadequet, even though he never does mutual chores. I never bring up when he didnt even have a job and spent all day playing video games and still didnt do mutual chores or take care of his baby. Thats enough comparing. This life isnt for me. He said hes sorry but its not the first time hes targeted something sentimental, I just dont feel safe or valued. I dont feel appreciated, and my home doesnt feel like a place for me. I brought this unto myself, and Im the only one who can change it. I think me and him are too different. In different places. Hes not very considerate, and its not what I want in a relationship. I dunno guys. Just rough. Having a hard time seeing my own feet through the water. I dont know where I stand in all this. Opinions and perspective aare appreciated, as long as theyre delivered respectfully.

I forgot to mention that Erik asked Uri's sister for Grandpas number because erik was thinking of deathly harming grandpa. I havnt been able to not glance at my door when Im home

MyFiance(Jacob)

So Jacob on monday we were just sitting when I went to run a errand to go get groceries and pay my car bill when i got home i asked him multiple times to feed the Damn horses when he didnt!,i asked him again the next morning eventually getting anoyyed and Heading out to feed HIS horses,I come back inside and say to him "Why dont you feed your own horses!?" He replied."I wanted to watch football" So apparently Football is more important to him then his own Horses also My brother(Lucas) Keeps coming over with no reason.Like if your here help clean out the god Damn Barn.And of course my Fiance dosnt clean it out with me.Im just so done with them.

Ugh, and it adds up too. I can understand the resentment that might be building. Its unfortunate that our faults often effect those closest to us. It's a personal responsibilty to promote higher thinking, which includes empathy, compassion, and mindfulness of how we effect our environment. I'm sorry that your boundaries arent being respected, I always struggle with the internal change things like this envoke. But being done is a good place to start. Very selfish on his part

Alls jacob does is sit and play video games all day!i have no clue why i decided to say yes to marry him. hes a Smelly Fleabag that just sits eats chips,osnt help with dinner or laundry and makes me clean up after him!

Well, now we know what to watch out for right? lol, its always meant to be, just maybe not forever. Apart of the journey yeah? good people treat others the way they themselves would like to be treated, it sounds like he doesnt deserve someone to make dinner and clean up after him

Thats what im saying!

Thats what im saying!

Have you confronted him about your hurt?