This has happened over 10 years ago and I'm still unsure how to crack the egg. I know that past behavioral problems are hard to solve, but I'd just like to ask opinions from more experienced people. I'll try to describe the situation as detailed as I remember.

Disclaimer: I know that it was very irresponsible of me to accept this horse and whenever this memory comes to me I feel awful about it. I don't need any more punishment, I'm punishing myself enough x)

The background:

So when I was 13, I had a super abusive stepfather, both emotionally and physically (physical abuse was mainly directed towards my mom and brother, also our animals whenever we had any). Sometimes he came up with stuff that were actually cool but then he proceeded to ruin it all anyway not long afterwards. One such things of his was when he heard that one of his colleagues had horses that he needed to sell because he was moving and had no place for his horses in the new home. Only one horse remained unsold, a 1,5 year old filly, which my stepfather thought would be nice for me to have - since I loved horses so much. We spent the summer preparing for the filly: we built a small paddock inside our garden, we repurposed the old piggery into a large stall and we found a source for hay, oats and straw. Our house had a large garden, but obviously not large enough to fully support the movement needs of a horse. It was okay to keep one horse there for most of the day, then had it work on a lunge near the forest we had closeby (seen on the picture below). My best friend at that time had two grown horses at her house in the same style so she and her family helped us out too. We then traded the filly for a TV and some small amount of cash, and we brought her home.

There were already some red flags about this filly. The owner said it was an Arabian-Muraközi (a Hungarian draft horse breed) mix. But when you looked at her it was clear that she never saw a draft horse. Her build was very light and slim with a traight head. This blurry, low quality picture is the best I could scrape together as I lost all my pictures of her somehow...

The owner also said that he rode the filly already, in walk and trot.

Anyway...

On her first night she was super nervous in the stall, she kept kicking the door with her front hooves - more like a scratching movement? - so I slept in front of the stall on a few wooden crates to pat her nose when she stuck her head out to look around. She calmed down with one pat and went back to her business inside.

Everything seemed to be going well, even my stepfather looked like he enjoys having the filly around. Despite me not being a morning person I woke up every dawn before school to tend to the filly.

The problems start here. My stepfather, knowig nothing about horses but being the control freak he was, planned out my work around the filly. Every day I had to clean her stall twice, once every two days even fully change the bedding. Every day she got fed twice, morning and evening, hay and oats. Even though she wasn't working hard most of the time, she got quite a lot of oats. I cannot give an exact amount, I just know that I've seen my friend feeding the same amount once a day to her 10 year old mares who have been ridden under saddle every day.

Another problem was that the garden where we made the paddock for the filly, we also had a small amount of land which we lent to a neighbour and he was growing alfalfa there for his pigs. Obviously the filly tried to reach the alalfa through the fence, and she did break through quite a few times. The fence wasn't strong enough to hold her back when she leaned at it with her full weight. A friend of my stepfather's visited us during summer and he also mentioned that such a fence is nothing to a horse, but my stepfather - what a surprise - didn't listen. As a solution, he had the filly tied to the tree in the middle of her paddock via a long lounge while we weren't around so she couldn't break through.

He also brought some dried corn stems from his grandmother's garden and left in the paddock so the filly could chew on it instead of thinking about the alfalfa. He also had me keep a contsant supply of hay pile inside the paddock for the same reason.

Sometimes when his friends were visiting, he grabbed one of the corn stems and used it as a whip to "lunge" the filly in the small paddock just to look cool.

The main issue:

After a month or two, I was picking up the empty corn stems from the paddock. The filly was out on the paddock too, going about. My stepfather and brother stood at the gate of the fence. At one point the filly came up behind me, reared and pushed me forward with her chest. She didn't do anything else, just pushed me once and trotted away. (As she landed her hoof scratched the side of my right ankle which makes weird clicking sounds to this very day, but this seemed to be an accident.)

Then while I took the filly next to the forest for the lunging work with my friend, she did the same thing while I led her. She came up behind me, reared and pushed me with her chest.

The third occasion was the last as my stepfather deemed the filly too dangerous to keep, with my sister (who is only half sister of mine, him being her father) being only 3 years old and all. The third time happened while I was sweeping the garden with a broom. I saw the filly at the gate so I came to her to pat her. She accepted the pat, but when I turned around to go back to sweeping, she reared again. This time, however, she broke through the gate. I panicked a bit but mostly because I was scared that she hurt herself somehow. I checked her legs and led her around a bit to see if she's lame, but she seemed fine. So I took her into the stall and the moment my stepfather saw the broken gate her fate was sealed. She was sold very soon afterwards.

So my question is, what is this behavior? Was this play? She showed no signs of aggression at all, and it was always just one push, then she just trotted away. I appreciate all the help in figuring this out. This issue came up today with my psychologist and apprently I'm still whipping myself too hard over it...

Kuewi KNN Stable said:

1) horses are herd animals and not meant to get keeped alone.

This applies not only for adult horses, but especially for young ones.

2) horses need space to move - not just 20 minutes running in circles on a lunge.

3) young horses need mates to play and get rid of their energy.

If there are no mates around, they would try to "play" with anything or anybody around.

4) horses need propper (!) education.

Sorry, but to me it sounds as if you tried your best, but none of you were experienced horsemen who knew how to train a young horse.

Besides I assume she was maybe an Arabian - Nonius mix ;)

Shingashina said:

The rearing into you is a sort of play thing. I see it a lot with my horses from little babies up to almost 2 years old. They've never directed it towards me, but they've always had friends. Horses are incredibly social and need interaction with others for good mental health. It's especially important when they're young to be around other horses and learn was is and isn't acceptable behavior. A lot of the time, they copy what an older horse does so they know what they can and can't do. If there isn't an older horse around, they're going to test whatever else they can interact with. If a foal rears into its mom, the mare may tolerate it from a very young foal, but she'll get mad and correct the foal if they have a bit of size on them. Her rearing into you and trotting away was her trying to play with someone in the way she knew how to play. She reared to instigate play, then trotted away in hopes you would run after her. Foals do a lot of running With each other when they play, and that's one of the ways it stats. With the amount of oats she got daily and the lack of exercise, she probably had a ton of energy that she was desperate to burn off. Her desire to just run around and play freely could have also been a factor in her escapes to the alfalfa field. It's not exactly that the horse did a bad thing, but she was trying to play and you didn't let her know the first time that what she was doing wasn't ok. I think correcting something like that would be pretty easy though. Take a horse like that and put it in a fair sized pen next to other horses for a few days so she can settle, then add the horse to mixed group. In my herd, I have horses that range in age from yearling to 25 out together. There's 15 of them. Most are mares. They're a very quiet herd and get along shocking well. The pair of 2 year old geldings can be obnoxious, but they have each other and their yearling sister to play with, as well as their grandma to discipline them. They get their play, their education, and their exercise all in one since the gang is in a pasture with plenty of room to run. When I work with them, they're very calm and have never done anything like what you described. It's just very important that a young horse has plenty of play time, space to run around, and at least one other horse to teach them how to be a horse. Without that, they start looking for alternate outlets to express themselves, and they don't always choose the right way to do it.

Rainbow Equus said:

What everyone else has already said is very sound advice so I won't reiterate on the filly's behavior.

I think the most important thing now is to forgive yourself for not knowing better in the past. It seems to me that you were trying your best with the knowledge that you had. No matter how experienced you are with horses, we all still make mistakes sometimes. It's great that you've been able to acknowledge and learn from it. <3

Allow yourself to extend the same empathy that you have towards the filly onto youself. After all, both of you were in the same boat 10 years ago just trying to figure things out.

HRS said:

Thank you for your support <3 I'm trying my very best to forgive myself. All I hope for is that she ended up in a good place and I didn't ruin her forever. Someone said that once a mare "grows on your head" she stays that way until the end of her days. That one sentence gives me a lot of regret cause who knows if she learned to rear at people because of me?

Rainbow Equus said:

What everyone else has already said is very sound advice so I won't reiterate on the filly's behavior.

I think the most important thing now is to forgive yourself for not knowing better in the past. It seems to me that you were trying your best with the knowledge that you had. No matter how experienced you are with horses, we all still make mistakes sometimes. It's great that you've been able to acknowledge and learn from it. <3

Allow yourself to extend the same empathy that you have towards the filly onto youself. After all, both of you were in the same boat 10 years ago just trying to figure things out.

The Lady of Fangorn said:

HRS said:

Thank you for your support <3 I'm trying my very best to forgive myself. All I hope for is that she ended up in a good place and I didn't ruin her forever. Someone said that once a mare "grows on your head" she stays that way until the end of her days. That one sentence gives me a lot of regret cause who knows if she learned to rear at people because of me?

Rainbow Equus said:

What everyone else has already said is very sound advice so I won't reiterate on the filly's behavior.

I think the most important thing now is to forgive yourself for not knowing better in the past. It seems to me that you were trying your best with the knowledge that you had. No matter how experienced you are with horses, we all still make mistakes sometimes. It's great that you've been able to acknowledge and learn from it. <3

Allow yourself to extend the same empathy that you have towards the filly onto youself. After all, both of you were in the same boat 10 years ago just trying to figure things out.

I agree with the consensus that she was trying to play. It's not your fault that you didn't know any better. Also, almost any bad habit can be trained out of a horse- especially a young one- with a little work. Since she wasn't trying to be malicious I'll bet a snickers that someone was able to teach her not to rear