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I don't know who to talk to, so why not HEE. Tonight has been a night of nights. I'm trying to mentally prepare (Though with little success) for my upcoming schedule: 4 days in a row, all 6+hrs each (2 are actually consecutive with school days) plus family holidays and graduation/prom stuff. On top of that, I found out the horse I had to sell for not only my betterment but hers, and who I loved almost as much as a heart horse for some, was sold once more to someone I don't know. My old horse, Emma, was a stubborn ass sometimes but I loved her so much. She was my go-to for everything and she tolerated it. She was my 15th, roughly, birthday present from my grandmother who tried to support my dreams as best she could. But, instead of taking this young and of potential horse, I got depressed and had extreme anxiety for the longest time (Still mostly do). Now I think I've failed everyone, like I've wasted my entire youth doing nothing but be lazy. Everybody else had tons of friends, fun hobbies or well-off families. I didn't and I think I kind of fell back on that as an execuse for my lack of actions. I wanted to rodeo, to follow my mom and her old friends (She did Dandies if I remember right), and to grow up being with the animals and doing things I love. That time was filled with nothing. Absolutely nothing. I didn't accomplish anything. Today, realizing I am but a few weeks away from leaving behind everything I knew or was familiar, I realized I could have done more and I blew my one chance. Animal science/FFA was a passion that I never indulged in, rodeo or any kind of riding also fell through. Today made me realized I failed so many people and things I loved. My dog isn't getting as much as I know she should/could be getting, I failed Emma and didn't fight or try enough. And even though I got into my dream school, I feel like I am failing my mother and grandparents. I let every low down excuse get the better of me and I wasted my chances, and I can't get that back. Even work is dragging me down and I'm not sure I can continue. I should have waited to get this horrid job a bit longer. Not to mention I feel myself falling, but I can't stop it. I have no motivation anything anymore, and my grades are slipping. I have no clue what to do and I can't keep fighting with myself everyday. I'm exhausted constantly both mentally and physically. I can't fight the fog that is in front me, or maybe I don't want to because it's a reprieve from everything. It leaves me numb. I don't know, but I figured someone might have some possible answers or help. |
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I think I get somewhat where you're coming from. The fear of failure is a terrible thing, especially since it usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when you get so frozen by it that you do. I have an autism diagnosis, and for a long time I was afraid I wouldn't be able to keep up socially. I used similar excuses to the ones you list for why I wasn't doing anything with my life. Then last fall, the beginning of my senior year of high school, I realized all the opportunities I'd missed. I actually had failed myself, and I had a hard time dealing with that. The thing is, you can't have all the moments you missed back, but you can break the cycle and actually use the time you have now.
One thing that helped me was when I happened to read a book called Mindset for a school project. It talks about two basic mindsets that everyone has about things, a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. Those with a fixed mindset think their ability in an area is fixed from birth (inate talent), while those with a growth mindset think you can continue to grow your ability through learning. The interesting thing is that if you have a fixed mindset, you won't be able to deal with failure, because you don't think you can change the fact that you don't have enough ability. So the only thing you can do is hide the trait you think you're inferior in.
However, if you have a growth mindset, you'll believe that you can always get better through learning, even if you're absolutely terrible starting out. So failure isn't the end of the world to someone like that, it just means they need to adjust their learning strategy. One thing that really stuck with me was that the book said something like, "To someone with the growth mindset, the only true failure is passing up an opportunity to learn." It took some time, but adjusting what I considered failure was eventually really helpful.
The other thing that was really helpful mentally was learning to find and appreciate all the common amazingness in life. I don't know where you're at, but for me that means thanking the God I believe made and orchestrates everything. Things like a peaceful drive where your siblings for once don't squabble in the backseat, the sky finally being blue again, and an acrobatic classmate doing a random flip are worth sitting up and taking notice of. Your life could always be better than it is; you could always have done better, but it could always have been worse. There's always something good in your life if you can find it. |
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Caal... I am here if you need to talk! |
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Not sure if anyone wants an update to this but I'm going to give one so I can, again, talk this out to myself of sorts. I finally broke down the other night. Everything was rushed for Easter and my cake failed and I couldn't handle it anymore. I called in that night just to show up to work the next day and get fired (Not even at the start of my shift. More like the very end so I had to sit around for 30 minutes after this to work out a ride and give a heads up to family about the change in my schedule). At least now I can focus on these last few weeks of school and try to get back in with my councilor/therapist to see about solutions to some other issues I've noticed come up. A huge thank you to Eyrie for the advice and to Sporting Chance for the help! It means a lot honestly. |
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Caaldir, being lazy and having depression are two different things. Not wanting to do something is laziness, not being able to do something is depression. I know, I have been there. Hell, I still am sometimes. I had undiagnosed issues that caused much pain, depression, and anxiety. When I was in high school I even considered suicide. I never acted on it, but I considered it. If you ever need to talk, you can pm me anytime. HUGS |
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Partly Cloudy, Rain Possible
