Hi. I'm not really sure what to say for an introduction, other than this is something that has been weighing on me for some time. These are MY personal experiences and opinions before anyone gets mad.

If you don't know - which you probably don't - I have been horse riding and involved in the equestrian world since I was a very small child. Riding since I could walk and all of that. I have loved the horses from the very beginning, from the moment I met my first pony, like most kids, I was hooked. Now, as an adult who has finally decided to make an exit of this world and completely dismantle my lifestyle, I've found myself wondering what changed.

Where did it all go wrong?

Let me fucking tell you, because I've had a lot of time to think about this. But before I say anything, I want to make it clear I still adore the horses, I'll never stop loving them, but it has become blatantly apparent that somewhere down the line I fell out of love with the sport and especially the people. And I want anyone reading this (if anyone is) who feels the same that it's okay to fall out of love with something that was essentially your entire life! But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll get to the part about upending my life and comforting other "life upenders" after I've made my grievances and pointed enough fingers (admittedly a few at myself).

Firstly, and maybe the most depressing; the people. Starting from the very beginning, I used to be an avid pony show jumper, like, I was kinda good, had mostly bad days but I ended up on a podium or two. Now, I was an awkward kid and had always struggled to make friends (still do) but I did not make a single friend after 10 years of ponies and juniors. Friendship is a two way street, nobody made an effort with me either, I maybe had two conversations with strangers throughout that whole time. Im not stupid, I could tell they thought I was strange, and hell, they were fucking right, I am strange but it's something my current group of friends love about me (that and I'm also hilarious but I digress). Nobody ever gave me a chance, nobody ever even gave me the opportunity. I mean, as an adult and reflecting back, I know why, I was very obviously not wealthy and I always looked a little goofy. Like I said, I'm kind of strange and my parents absolutely did not spend the money on nice show gear or anything like that. My mum, bless her, would pick out some less than flattering jackets and jodhpurs, never owned a pair of decent long boots either. And these people were not nice, really cliquey and snobby. Of course I didn't really know this as a gawky teenager, since I'd never really come into contact with genuinely nice people my age. One specific time I remember, this was one of those rare occasions I ended up on a podium, and this was one of those podiums where they handed first place a bottle of champagne or whatever the fuck it was. I remember hearing second place, an awful girl decked out in Animo say to first, "dump it on her head I dare you" and kept egging him on. Sure as hell he did target me with that champagne. He did it infront of everyone too, including my mum. Maybe to them it looked like two friendly rivals messing around, especially since I casually hopped off the podium and forced a small smile for my mum when she asked me if I was pleased. She could tell though, mothers are a step away from being omnipotent. At the time, I brushed that whole thing off. Quite literally suppressed it. Sometimes I wonder how much else I suppressed over the years.

The shitty people in the equestrian world most definitely don't begin and end with snotty teenagers whose egos are so big they obstruct low flying airplanes. I've had snotty trainers who weren't much better. And there's plenty of snotty parents. Seriously, the parents could arguably be the worst, I understand why my parents never really mingled with them and always kept to themselves. It's the two faced bitchiness and jealousy. And don't get me started on equestrians on the internet, honestly the worst group of people ever. And by equestrians on the internet, I don't mean our lovely little community on HEE, I mean the insufferable, keyboard warriors. The judgement on every little fine detail. Nobody in the equestrian community is ever happy online. I think as someone who has taken a step back from the equestrian world over the past year, I'm in the unique position of simply just be able to observe. And I just wish all these awful people who call themselves equestrians, from the snotty teenagers to the keyboard warriors, could see how they look to an outsider. Does it ever occur to you why our three biggest disciplines fell out of the public eye and are no longer broadcasted to the average Joe? Because a lot of us suck. And not only do we suck, but so many are so ridiculously out of touch with the outside world. Also, the superiority complex equestrians have over non-equestrians??? Wtf is that all about?? I’m baffled, truly.

For a bunch of people who preach about patience and kindness for the horses, we have an outstanding lack of it for each other.

I've always felt like I've never quite fit in, and maybe I'm a little bitter about that. But I'm also so glad. It's made me who I am today and I like myself alot more today than I ever did in the past. I look back at my teenage self and I wish I could give her a hug, tell her she grows up to be really cool, maybe not to these snotty girls, but definitely to everyone else she meets.

This is getting a little longer than I anticipated. I didn't expect to get so passionate. I've said my part in the equestrian community, but I've got a lot more to say about the sport and how it destroyed my confidence and mental health. I have a feeling this is going to be wildly unpopular, maybe if it isn't I'll write a second part, maybe I'll write it anyways ;) Thanks for reading.

To add, I did quit horse riding not because of the people, although having no equestrian friends didn't help. It was quite literally sucking the soul out of me. I loved the horses but I didn't love anything else about this lifestyle. And it took me 2 years to come to terms with the fact that it was making me miserable and it always would. I'd dedicated so much of myself to it, I'd worked so ridiculously hard to be good and felt like I was still never good enough. I've finally let it all go and now I'm moving across the world to Canada and becoming an electrician next year when I get home again. Life is weird and it's totally okay to completely upend yours. It's totally fine to disrupt everything. You've got to do what's best for you and sometimes that means giving up everything you've ever known and worked so incredibly hard for since forever. It be like that sometimes.

As someone who has been in the snobbiest part of the equestrian for around 10 years (I'm 16 and compete with NSEA ((National Schools Equestrian Association)) I can totally see where you're coming from.

It took me years to get anyone to notice me at all. I never grew up with very much money, with both of my parents being military, so I always had to work so hard even just to be a reserve. I've noticed that horsey people (Especially competitive) have a type. Sporty, well-behaved and all-round good-looking horses, so when I rocked up on my traditional cob, I'd always get odd looks. I was only actually put on a team once I got my new mare, who looks the part.

If i met young you we'd be besties <3

I don't know if you're into it, but maybe try western? Not competitively unless you want to, but to fall back in love with it?

I've noticed the majority of western riders and trainers are super fun and laid back and not very judgey

My barn sadly closed and while looking to board at other barns a show jumping one said they wouldn't allow me to board because they didn't like that I had a thoroughbred! 😂

I didn't even want to join their show team lol!

This isn't to say that there aren't very snobby western riders, my trainer near got into a fight with one who started shit talking me and my horse, but outside the halter and western pleasure world, I'd said that the majority of people are quite lovely, and maybe a change of pace would help you?

Even riding English at a western barn :)

Anyways I hope you're able to somehow keep horses in your life and I'm sorry those nasty people sucked out the enjoyment of horses. Sending hugs!

I noticed something similar with a friend. She started at a terrible barn, ended up at another shitty barn, and kept leaving barns and finding shitty ones until she got fed up with the whole thing and left the sport. I got a lot luckier with finding good barns and ending up with supportive trainers, and my foundation was good enough that when I ended up at shitty barns I knew they weren't normal and just left. I think if you start shitty, you think that's normal, and it's harder to get out of that rut.

I'm really sorry that this is what happened to you. Those people sound absolutely awful, and it's hard to forgive and forget those experiences and they can discolor the way you view horses as a whole. I hope you find your group one day. It may take time. ♡

I really appreciate the kind words, thank you all for that. I don't think I ever see myself getting back into it, I just don't have it in me. You really do have to sell your soul to it and as much as I love the horses I'm not willing to dedicate all of my free time to them again. Or spend all of my money on them, especially in this economy. It doesn't appeal much to me anymore. It looks like I'm going to be working full time for the rest of my life as well. Maybe if I win the euro millions and can retire young lmao.

As for finding the right people, honestly feels a little impossible too. I'm alternative, tatted and pierced and I don't think I've ever met another equestrian who shares my interests outside of horses, at least in the show jumping crowd. Maybe it's just because I live in Ireland and there's such a small pool of showjumpers. Maybe I'm just prejudiced or maybe I don't give people enough of a chance. But It doesn't really matter anymore, since I've decided to go in a different direction in life.

Edit: Want to add that this doesn't effect how I feel about HEE and it's community. I love it here and it's always been a safe space for me. I genuinely appreciate everyone in the community as well<3

It sucks, it really does. I've had many many riding school changes in my few years of riding. I've never owned my own horse but the 'clickey' groups are definatly still there.

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The most recent riding school I have moved from did go down hill quite quick. The way the lessons were structured you rode in a group of five with riders of similar ability. I was with a group of other girls, we were all pretty quiet and we just stayed out of each others hair to start with. As we got more comfortable riding with each other we would sometimes chat and congradulate each other etc. We weren't ever super close but atleast comfortable with each other. However two of the girls (probably the loudest and most outspoken) started 'working' (how much actuall working they did we dont really know) and started taking extra lessons. Now, I have nothing against this, getting better at something you love doing and enjoy is something I'd encourage. But they got to the point where they thought they had more 'experiance' and were more 'entitled' because of this.

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They were good riders, we were all good riders. But it got to the point where they were doing things in the lessons the rest of use weren't doing because they were riding the 'better' horses and were more 'experianced'. I would have happily cantered by my self (I have the skill and confidance to) but because I didn't have the same 'experiance' as they did I "always needed help". The other three of us were walking in circles as they did other things.

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It got to the point in lessons where we werent improving and our instructor didn't really care, as long as we stayed on the horse. Me and one of the other girls have ended up moving to a new riding school and are doing so much better (in only about three rides there).

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If your still wanting to take part in someting horsey, you could try taking lessons every once in a while just to have something to do around horses, if you can find a nice riding school that is. They can be a pain to find as well. It sucks it happens to the best of us.