Hoooo boy, this has been a week. It's either really early or really late where I am depending how you look at it, and I'm running on four hours of sleep, so please bear with me. This is gonna get ranty. Let's hope no one mentioned in this rant plays this game or reads this post.

I am considering switching barns. I have two horses in real life, both at different facilities due to their different training needs. There have been some... issues. If you experienced this, would you switch barns? I experienced none of this at my old barn, and I was there for about four years. I've been at one of these facilities for about ten months, and the other for about a month. I could really use some advice on how to deal with this situation. I'm in a tough spot. Here's what's going on.

I moved to pursue further education, and I took my older horse with me. I ended up working at my barn, feeding and doing basic farm work. When coronavirus hit, my trainer/boss and I discussed what would happen. Because I am most likely at higher risk of developing complications from coronavirus and was around a high volume of people due to dorm living (even after dorms were kicking people out, over a hundred still stayed here), we decided it would be okay if I stopped working for a while. In May, we talked and I was supposed to get my job back this month. When I said I would be able to return to work in June because most of the people remaining on campus were returning home, she said okay. Then when I talked to my boss a few days ago, she said she had filled the position and I probably couldn't have it back. This wasn't in line with our agreement. But okay, maybe I misunderstood something. I'm not angry, but I am tired and I don't know what to do. I don't think I can do anything.

I also have a tough time scheduling lessons. Oftentimes she doesn't get back to me, or if she does, she seems upset with me. She's an experienced trainer and a good teacher, but sometimes I have some trouble in lessons because she only tells me what I'm doing wrong and I can’t tell when I’m doing the right thing. It's hard for me to tell where I stand with my trainer, and it makes me anxious. She always seems frustrated with me. I try my hardest in lessons. I do struggle because I have a lot of old injuries, but she doesn't seem to understand that. If I am in pain, I have to work through it. I understand to some degree. I'm schooling fourth level dressage. I have to work hard. However, I have genuine physical limitations. Sometimes I can really try, and my body just won't let me do the thing. I haven't been at the barn much in the past couple of months due to a combination of coronavirus, a bad mental health flare up, and serious physical pain flare ups but I'm still trying my very best in my riding, and I've able to do more lately. I haven't had a lesson with this trainer in a couple of months due to coronavirus, but I am trying to schedule another one. She hasn't gotten back to me in several days, though.

The assistant trainers don't seem to like me at all. I don't know what I did, but they seem to have a problem with me. They're constantly coming up to me and talking to me in an irritated tone and they tend to be pretty patronizing. They've made mean comments about my tack when I forget to clean it (which isn't a common occurrence), or my boots (old, need replacing, I can't afford it right now). They also talk about my horse's mane. It's long, and they want it to be short. I don't want to cut it. They give my clothes weird looks, too. I don't wear anything dangerous. Just graphic tees and breeches, and nothing obscene or vulgar ever. They get upset with me for minor stuff, like forgetting to close my stall door while my horse is in the crossties or forgetting to hang up my halter. Totally my bad, don't get me wrong! I definitely can get a little sloppy. To be fair, I have some various learning disabilities that affect my attention span among other times, so remembering small tasks is much harder for me than most. They also speak to me like I'm stupid because my auditory processing is bad and they know it. It's hard to listen to and it makes me feel awful. They chat and joke with the other boarders, but they ignore me when I try to make small talk. Sometimes I literally get the silent treatment. I don't want to cause any trouble, so I try to go along with what they say, but that usually seems to just make them more annoyed. I don't mean to forget these things. I just do, no matter how hard I try. I make the same mistakes all the time, but it's not for lack of trying. I never leave major messes or create safety hazards. I'm never mean. I just can't seem to do the right thing. I'm on edge all the time. I'm very sensitive to the people around me, and this is hard.

There is a second main trainer at this barn who I do much better with. I love this trainer. She's fantastic. She understands my physical limitations, tells me when I'm doing something wrong as well as right, and she still makes me work hard. I improve a lot with her, and I like my lessons with her. I know this trainer likes me, but I'm so tense at the barn. I hate going. I really, really do. It upsets me, because I love riding and I love my horse. I try to go when no one is around, but it's hard. I can go to lessons with this second trainer and do okay if I tack up in my stall and avoid everyone else, but it's almost impossible for me to practice on my own without being incredibly anxious, even when I'm alone. I want to improve as an equestrian, but I hate this situation so much. This is my first time living totally on my own, too. I'm overwhelmed and alone.

There's another problem. My trainer's husband (the first trainer who stresses me out, not the second one) is very homophobic, and I am very obviously gay. I don't think he's noticed yet, but it's hard to have to hide away. My partner loves horses, especially mine. They'd love to be at the barn with me. It's nerve wracking being at the barn and waiting for my trainer's husband to find out. Two boarders have found out. I told one mostly out of necessity, and the other found out by accident. So far it's been okay with one of them, but I am very uncertain about the other. I'm exhausted.

Now for horse #2, my two year old. I bought him earlier this year. He's been at the center of a few unfortunate events at his facility. He came to the facility from the breeder with lice. The breeder didn't notice lice on any of their horses until a couple of days after my horse had arrived at the new place. He came from out of state and I wasn't there to inspect him when he got on the trailer. I paid for the treatment for him and the other horses at the new barn and provided assistance with the treatment itself. The lice cleared up quickly, and the horses look fine now. My two year old is very inexperienced, so I'm working on his manners. He's nice enough to handle, but he just learned how to lunge. The other day, he spooked badly at something while we were lunging, and he bolted. I couldn't get him back, lost my balance and fell over. He got loose and went over/through the arena gate. My partner and I fixed the broken gate within a few hours of the incident, which required power tools and no less than three minor miracles. I told the barn owner as soon as it happened. Finally, there was an incident with hoof trimming. The owner asked me if I had left a check for the farrier in the barn. I was not aware that I was supposed to leave a check in the barn. No one told me. I had assumed that I would receive an invoice via email or text. I should have asked, and it will be paid right away. However, I don't have a checkbook, so I asked the barn owner if there's a way to pay him virtually. She said no, but I could venmo her and she'd pay him. That's fine, and I'll just get a checkbook for the future. I don't know why I haven't gotten a checkbook. I guess it just never occurred to me that anyone still uses checks. I hate to cause her any extra hassle, but this genuinely did not occur to me.

My mother texted me about an hour after the farrier conversation. She told me that the barn owner emailed her and said that her barn may not be the right place for my horse. She has my mother's email because my parents hauled my two year old to this barn and they needed information from her. I don't know why she's emailing my mother and not me. She hasn't said a single word to me about this, in fact. I don't know if she's trying to spare my feelings or something, but I am confused and a little offended. I am the horse's owner. I am the one responsible for him. If she has a problem with me or him, she should be talking to me. I am still financially dependent on my parents, but all practical matters are on me. My parents don't mind supporting me, and this has all been worked out already. They know dressage is a big deal to me, and they want me to succeed in academics and competitions. Point is, though, I am an adult. I live on my own. My parents are not responsible for my animals, and they don't even live in this state. I don't know what the barn owner told my mother yet. I'm guessing she's upset with the various incidents involving my horse, which is fair. There's definitely been some bad luck here with the lice and the gate and some oversight on my part with the farrier. Still, I've done everything I can to keep things as smooth as I can. This barn owner also recently found out I'm gay. Total accident. I can't help but wonder if that plays some role in this. Maybe it doesn't at all. Maybe I'm just on edge. Honestly, I have no idea.

I know I'm not entirely in the right here. Please don't respond to tell me what I did wrong - I already know. I promise I'm doing my very best. I'm very tired from all of this, and I'm wearing thin. I feel awful about the entire situation. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if there's more I can do. I don't know if I'm reading too far into all of this, or if I'm being too sensitive or what. I'm generally pretty thick skinned. I've never experienced anything like this before.

If you were me, would you switch barns for one or both horses? Is this as bad as it seems to me, or am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Please let me know.

Have a cookie if you read this far.

<takes cookie>

Wow.

The entire time I was reading this, all I could think was "girl, get out!!!!" (Assuming you're female)

For the first barn, I would definitely leave ASAP. The homophobic husband could potentially be dangerous, especially if the rest of the barn is already hostile to you. Unfortunately, their behavior isn't exactly out of the ordinary for what I assume is an upper level dressage barn. In pretty much all disciplines in the equestrian world, there is still a lot of prejudice and if you don't fit the mold of wealthy, white, abled, etc. then you just don't fit in. They probably have expectations about the "type" of person who would come into their barn, as well as expectations regarding nice clothes and very particular barn manners that are honestly exclusionary. But they aren't the only place with this attitude, far from it. I know you'd hate to leave the second trainer there, but the rest of the barn environment is too negative to stay, IMO. Maybe if you find another barn that trainer would be willing to come to you, or you could just trailer in for lessons?

As to the second barn, that was an underhanded move, I'll agree. The barn owner may have made some assumptions about "who's really in charge" in the relationship between you and your parents, but she really should have brought up her concerns with you in person. I would confront her about it and try to see if a reconciliation is possible. Maybe this is a one time thing, maybe not. I would be wary of a pattern of her going behind your back and generally not wanting you around the barn. For this horse, keep an eye out for a new barn but don't necessarily move now.

Good luck, stay safe, and I'm so sorry that such a storm of bad luck has come your way!

So a couple of options for horse #1

•

1. Get out, find a different dressage barn to train at.

2. Stand up to them. The Equestrian world runs on money, wealth. They expect high dollar breeches, boots and a snotty attitude. So give it to them. Talk back, show them you can't be walked all over. During your lesson when you trainer says your doing something wrong ask what and what can you do to fix it. Etc

•

Horse #2

•

1. Talk to your barn owner. Tell her everything you wrote. Then see.

2. Get out.

Agreed ^.^

As well as what emerald said.

I would say to get out of the first barn ASAP, and the second barn, you should be able to leave if things dont work out.

I'm sorry to hear how much bad luck has been dumped on you.

I hope you can find an awesome barn <3

Okay. Thank you, all of you, for the advice. And yes, I'm female :). That's pretty much what I thought. I talked to my mom tonight about moving barns, and we are planning on it.

.

I also got the info from barn owner #2 on why she wants my two year old out. She said that she's not comfortable with me working with him because she thinks I'm stressing him out by separating him from his pasture buddies to work with him. He actually comes right up to me in the pasture, walks calmly to the arena, and is happy in all of his work. She said that he needs to be in a stall if he's going to be worked, and that he's too young to be working at all and should be left to grow up. She thinks that having to work and living in a pasture is bad for him. I would like to say here that I am not riding him. I lunge him, take him on walks, work on standing tied, put light objects on his back like my jacket, and I'm teaching him to flex left and right. He is usually "worked" for fifteen minutes a day. Furthermore, at his age, I don't want him in a stall because his joints need to develop. I am very confused by her statement considering that he's happy, he's doing age appropriate work, and he's been making huge improvements. He lunges well most days, he controls his emotions, he doesn't buck, he accepts things on his back, he's soft to flex both ways... And it's only been a month of training. Her argument was that he broke a gate when he spooked, and because of that he's too stressed. I don't even know how she came to this conclusion. He's a baby. Sometimes babies spook. Sometimes babies misbehave. You need to have a good sense of humor when you're working with babies because this stuff happens. He isn't the first young horse I've worked with, and he isn't going to be the last. I'd like to add that her young horse is over sixteen hands, three years old, super pushy, and never worked with. She plans on sending him elsewhere to be started undersaddle within the next few months, but hasn't done foundation work with him. I understand that everyone has different methods of training their young horses, but what I'm doing isn't hurting my boy. He's getting a good foundation. Just because she wants to use a different method for her horse doesn't make my method wrong. Furthermore, it's not really her business how I train my horse. I will be moving him as well once I find a good enough spot because this isn't a conflict I'm willing to deal with. Wow, what a freaking nightmare this whole thing is.

Oh my goodness. That's a tough person to work with. This sounds like a not good situation, and I'm glad you will be able to get out. What you are doing with your 2 year old sounds great. You're giving him a foundation, which is awesome. I hope that once this whole drama is over, things will get better <3

I agree, barn owner #2 sounds like she has some... interesting... ideas as to how young horses should be handled. Doing 15 minutes of in hand work in addition to pasture time is IMO ideal for a young horse! Its unfortunate that the horse had to spook so badly that it took out a gate, but sometimes sh*t happens, if you'll excuse my language.

You should definitely go someplace where their ideas on training and horsemanship match up more with your own.

I honestly understand and relate with you a lot, I know what it's like to be constantly trying your best to no avail. Please move barns, a positive environment is the best thing for both you and your horse, it'll be the best for you mentally and for you to improve. I hope you find a peaceful and positive place to continue your training. I understand the kind of exhaustion you're feeling from all of this and I just want you to know it really does get better, can't talk from experience because I'm not quite at that "better place" yet but it's the hope for that that keeps us going and keeps us trying. Please keep trying and don't feel like it's your fault, it honestly sounds like you've had a mixture of bad luck and a bunch of terrible snobby equestrians. You're gonna do great, don't worry! :D

Thanks again, everyone! So a little update. I think I found a place to move both horses. The owner believes that two year olds are indeed capable of doing basic groundwork, and she's been recommended to me before. I actually had my older horse at her place in the fall for a brief period of time, and that went fine. The owner is really friendly, and she seems more laid back than my two current barn owners. Her students are also competing well at high levels. She's more expensive, but I guess my sanity is worth it. My mom decided to talk to my old trainer to see if moving sounds worthwhile. My old trainer is usually of the thought that if you can't stand the pressure at a barn to get the training you need, you should suck it up, get a thicker skin, and do what you have to do. This time she seemed to think that the situation is ridiculous and said that I should move. That says an awful lot coming from her.

.

Unfortunately, someone in the dorms came down with coronavirus, so I'm staying the heck inside for the next couple of weeks. I don't think I've been exposed because I don't think it's in my building. I want to be cautious anyway. I wouldn't want to inadvertantly infect anyone else. So at the very least I'm away from the barn drama for now, but I also can't move my boys until around July, and my two year old is probably going to have some opinions the next time I work with him. Oh well.

Best of luck! The money is worth the price for a decent barn, I promise. There's nothing better than the relief of knowing that your horse will be taken care of, and that you'll be treated well as well.